There I was, setting thetable for dinner for my master. I look outside to see my husband, Jericho,harvesting sugar out in the fields. I hated being a domestic slave while he wasin the field working so hard. Sometimes I just wanted to go out there and help him. He looks so damaged and worn out sometimes from the hardworking and the whipping. A few seconds later, his master, Lord Rolle, came and gave him 7 flesh burning lashes. I closed my eyes, I couldn’t bear to see him in such pain. This entire sugar plantation is tearing my family apart. After I finished setting the table, I laid down in my bed and cried for about 35 minutes thinking of the pain I suffered since I’ve been here on the plantation. Some nights, I would be carried into my master’s room so that he may have his way with me. If I refused, I would be hanged. I probably should’ve accepted the death penalty. I would much rather die than to remain living my live in a cage.
As soon as the sun arose, I got up to set the tablefor the masters. One good thing about working in the household, I got to workwith my sister, Krisandra. She was quite a beauty. I always secretly envied herimpeccable features and her long gorgeous African hair. After we served thefood, she came to me and said,
“How did you sleep last nightsister?”
“Not good at all, saw Jericho being whipped yesterday!”
All of a sudden, Master Jacob rose up and said
“Not enough sugar in my tea, you stupid niggergail!”
Then he spat in Krisandra’s face. As much asshe wanted to cry, she stood still and walked to get him another cup of tea. He eyed me from head to toe, I stood still hoping he would leave me alone, then to my relief master Lord Rolle dismissed me to my room. I then became concerned about my sister. I hope they would not bother her anymore. To my surprise, I saw Jericho to my window! He brought our two children Aniska and Kinto. I hopped through the window in over excitement to see my family again. This was also dangerous, If any master found out that they weren’t working on the plantation, there’s no telling what they’d do. None of that mattered. The most important thing was that my family was alive and well.
“Is everything okay, honey?” He said.
“I am well, once you are all well.” I replied.
“I missed you all so much! We must pack our thing and leave this plantation at once.”
Before I could finish conversing with my family, I heard a loud scream, followed by a gunshot. I kissed my family goodbye and climbed back into my room to see what was happening, I came back into the dining room to see Krisandra dead on the floor, blood gushing from the left side of her head. I gaped as I gazed at my daughter's lifeless body. I had the feeling of shock, anger, and unbearable pain at the same time. I burst out into tears, then suddenly master Jacob said
“Shut up, you black piece of crap”
I stopped crying and laid a kiss on her forehead for the last time before they took her to be cremated.
I went back into my room staring at the window,wishing Jericho and my sweet children would come back. I needed them, just like I needed my sister. We shared everything and every secret since we were toddlers. It was not fair for them to take my sister away from me like that. Itwas like the plantation owners were killing everyone that I loved one by one. Idid not want them to hurt anymore of my loved ones. My sister’s death reminded me of my mother’s death. For running away, her nose and ears cut off, ankles cut, leg cut off, hanging on a meat hook through the ribs. I watched all of it with my own eyes. It was torture to my soul. I did not want to take this anymore, I packed up my thing sat 2am that night to find Jericho.
I found him in his hunt that he and the children lived. To my surprise he was not asleep. He kissed meand said,
“What are you doing here beautiful?”
I smiled and said “Did you pack your things?”
“We must leave tonight.” I said.
“I have everything packed justas you said, I want to leave here much more than you do.”
We got Aniska and Kinto and headed north. I didn’t know where we were going, but I just wanted to be far away from the hell that they call aplantation. To my surprise, about twenty soldiers came out and swarmed around us. I had no I idea what to do. Jericho stood out in front of the children and I. Seconds later I was snatched by one of the soldiers. I guess life off of the plantation was too good to be true.
The next morning,I woke up in front of my master, Jacob. Before I could speak, he gave me onelash with the whip. The pain was so excruciating, my body started to tremble. I was stuck with thirty-nine lashes. Then I looked up to see my children being sold to another plantation.
“NO! NO!”
I screamed. Then I was hit withanother lash of the whip. I couldn’t hold back my tears. I looked over to my right and saw my husband. It was a relief to see that he was still alive. They dug a very deep hole in the ground and made him climb inside. That was the last of him. They buried him alive. I had no choice but to watch. My tears poured harder and harder as I watched them bury the last person that I held the most near and dear to my heart. I’ve lost all of my family, what do I have left? My husband and also my soul was buried alive.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
So sad but I love it!!!!!
Wow it was good, your story is like really real it reminds me of slaves in the back then. It was sad in the end, her sister get shot, her children get sold and her husband buried alive and her soul too. I can't write like you do, writing historical fiction short stories, you should keep writing and make a nice happy ending and you should publish in real life!
Hello! I'm not used to reviewing historical fiction of realistic fiction, but here it goes!
I really liked this. I don't really know anything about this kind of thing, but I can really tell that you've done such a good job here! (I'm in envy; I can't write historical fiction!) You've done such a realistic portrayal here. I can really tell why this is one of your favorite things to have written.
Your description was good, but you could do with a little more. It's good either way, but maybe a bit more could really support your story.
I would recommend that you could fix some things. Dialogue is a big one. You need a new paragraph every time you do dialogue. This includes when you say that someone 'said something'. Does that make sense?
I even found myself a bit confused by some of the ordeal. In my mind, I picture the main character as a young boy. But by the end, I realize that they're most likely not a boy (Assuming by 'I looked over to my right and saw my husband.' I don't believe that same-gender marriages were legal at this time.) and have a daughter.
I thought that Krisandra was their sister.
This could all be my mistake. If so, I apologise.
Also, I found some words were blended together.
These recommendations aside, your story was really good. I congratulate you.
I hope my review proved suffice!
-Holographic Laadybug
Hello, Jelly here to review.
The concept is interesting but I think the presentation could be done a bit better.
The best advice I could give is work on the pacing. The story moves extremely quickly and feels like all of these events take place in one day. I recommend taking the time to really flesh out the content and characters. Showing not telling will certainly help in your endeavor. Really showing their suffering will make them and the story more believable. It'll help with development and mend the flow of the story as well.
Sorry this is so short. Everyone else seems to have given you some great advice so this is all I really have to say.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi, Duncan here for a review! So this is a good story and I am going to talk about some of the wonderful things you have done, and some areas you may want to edit.
I have to say I like how the narrator's emotion is portrayed. You have tried to input as much as possible into your story, and I appreciate it a lot throughout the story, especially those in the last three paragraphs.
I am going on with the nitpicks. Hope you find them helpful.
I think Krisandra is the narrator's sister...? It is a bit confusing here.
The first thing and the easiest to fix is punctuation. Every now and then you missed out spaces and commas. You may wish to proofread the whole story to fix them.
The second thing is that I would have loved to see more elaboration on the setting. How does the environment affect the mood and the flow of the story? Imagery is especially useful for stories expressing emotions. Perhaps you could describe more about the space where the narrator was being lashed (that would be the ending scene), or actually the fields. Right now I feel that I cannot really put myself into the story yet without some concrete description of the setting.
I like how you gave us information about the narrator's life bit by bit, but I think you could develop the character of Jericho and the children better. This helps us understand and experience the excruciating pain the narrator feels at the ending, and it could strike a more powerful chord.
So I think that's all for now. Keep writing!
Hello there, Luata here for a review! I see that felistia caught most of the obvious grammar mistakes that I saw, so thank goodness I get to skip that! Onward and upward!
Overall, I liked the idea of the story, but I thought that the plot moved along a bit too quickly. Maybe a bit of elaboration and taking things a bit slower, it would allow more character development.
Please allow me to reword this for you. You can take or leave any of my suggestions, I apologize if I come across to harsh! Seriously though, this is a good piece, so please, only use my suggestions if you want to. Anyway, rewritten, I would write it as follows: There I was, setting the table for my master even as I look outside to see my husband, Jerico, harvesting sugar in the fields. Oh how I longed to help him, he seemed so damaged and worn from the harsh labor and frequent beatings. Even as I watched, Lord Rolle, his master, emerged to give him seven lashings. My eyes burned with tears as I watched him endure the pain, reminding me of the pain I've suffered since I've been on this plantation. Long nights carried out in the mater's room so that he may have his way with me, knowing if I refuse, I would be hung. Sometimes, I would rather be hung then remain living in this life.
Other than that, I have no other nitpicks! It was a good piece and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
~Luata
Hi Shauna242, Felistia here with a short review on your short story.
Nice story, very interesting. I will start with the nit-pick
You have a few grammar problems. The first one is in the first sentence of your story. (There I was, setting thetable for dinner for my master.) You forgot to leave a space between the and table.
(Jericho,harvesting sugar out in the fields.) There should be a space after the comma.
(domestic slave while he wasin the field) There should be a space between was and in.
Just a suggestion, when writing a story you should write numbers not like this 35, but like this thirty five.
( I got up to set the tablefor the masters.) There should be a space between table and for.
( I got to workwith my sister) There should be a space between work and with.
(After we served thefood) There should be a space between the and food.
(How did you sleep last nightsister) There should be a space between night and sister.
(much asshe wanted to cry. Itwas like the plantation. Idid not want them to hurt anymore. He kissed meand said. I have everything packed justas you said. he gave me onelash.I was hit withanother lash.) Same as before.
(we served the food, she came to me and said,
“How did you sleep last night sister?”)
It should be written like this. (After we served the food, she came to me and said, "how did you sleep last night sister?") There are a few more of the same mistakes in your story.
One more thing, I think you should rate this 16 and with Violence.
Other than that it is a great historical story and is full of emotions. How you told the story was great and the mistakes are easily fixed. Well done, I hope to see more of your work soon. Have a great day\night.