Hi there Shatabdi! Tuck here with a review for you this ReviewDay.
You had some beautifully descriptive lines in here that made this a pleasure to read. You also did an excellent job of using strong verbs and generally communicating very effectively. The historical fiction setting was an excellent choice, as it allows you to bring to light some of these battles and explore them in all of their gutsy glory.
That being said, I noticed that you have a tendency to write with very short and to-the-point sentences. I think it would benefit your writing tremendously to explore some variety in the length and structure of your sentences. For example, this paragraph:
could becomeThe General entered the core of the army. Millions of cannonballs blazed the bloody ground. The troops included ally and foe turned into pieces at once. The shields were trying to barricade the flying arrows in the air. The vile burnt smell darkened the evening air. There was nothing but only dead Danish soldiers. The Norwegian troops hacked through the enemy lines and mowed down every single body standing in between them and victory.
The general entered the core of the army. Millions of cannonballs blazed the bloody ground, turning allies and foes alike to pieces at once. In a panic, soldiers raised shields in an attempt to barricade the flying arrows. The vile, burnt smell darkened the evening air. All around, there were only dead Danish soldiers. The Norwegian troops hacked through the enemy lines and mowed down every single body standing in between them and victory.
The difference there is subtle, but powerful. Longer sentences tend to work well for sentences that describe something and show a lot of detail. Shorter sentences tend to work well for brief, sharp actions. Ideally, writers will strike a balance that uses this small device to further intrigue and captivate readers.
I also believe it may be wise for you to introduce the main character sooner. I noticed that throughout the beginning of this story, there was no particular person that the story was following. It was just a description of the scenery and the battle that was taking place. The issue with this is the reader has no story they can follow; it begins to feel more like a history textbook than a fantasy story. One of the main reasons readers continue to read past the first chapter is because they can connect with the character and they then "root for" the character to succeed. Since you don't introduce your main character til more than halfway through this installment, it's more difficult for people to emotionally connect with those characters.
Finally, I think you could have used this opportunity to show even more description. You're off to a very good start with the description, but I think you could take it further. Especially in fantasy-type stories, I like to feel that I am inside the world, and it's easiest to do that in stories where there is an abundance of description. Of course, the danger is this is that your story can become slower-paced, but I think you have room to add some more description without erring on that side of the line. Perhaps you could describe the armor of the soldiers in more detail, or dedicate a paragraph to the landscape, or talk about the weather in-depth. These are all just suggestions to guide you in the process of adding some more description, if you feel that that is the best route to take with this story.
(A quick aside, I did adjust the rating on this work to 16+ for mentions of violence. I did this based on these guidelilnes so that users who do not wish to view literary works with certain content have that option. If you have any questions about why I did that, please feel free to let me or another YWS staff member know -- we're the ones with green names!)
Overall, your writing was solid and enjoyable, and the choice of genre was very appropriate for the story that you are telling. I believe that varying sentence length and structure, introducing your characters sooner in the story, and incorporating even more description into this story would strengthen your story. You should certainly be proud of this, and I hope none of my critiques have discouraged you from writing, since you clearly have a gift for words. If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to reach out, and I'd be happy to clarify!
Best,
Tuck
Points: 31500
Reviews: 561
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