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The End

by SharpHost


As I looked at my caved in cheeks and hollowed eye sockets, I couldn’t determine whether I’d ever return to my old life. Yesterday, a man told me that Hitler committed suicide, while the Red Army invaded Berlin. The war should be over soon. When I got back home, my home was taken by another family. For the last year, I’ve been homeless. Being homeless felt terrible, but being in a camp was hellish.

While I was on the streets, I learned how greedy people are. Everyday, only 1 out of 10 of the people passing give me money. I only manage to eat two meals a day, but the camp taught me to live through one meal a day. As the journey went farther, I lost my faith in God. He not only let my family die, but he left me to slowly rot. Everyday, I wonder how much closer I am to death.

One day, as I walked down the streets of Sighetu Marmației, I saw a man. He looked like my father, but one of his eyes were missing.. I walked closer to him with my heart beating extremely fast. Each step made me more excited. “Father?,” I asked. “Who?,” he asked with a strange face. He must have gotten amnesia. It was my father! His voice, his face, it must’ve been him.

Over a few weeks, I tried to explain everything that had happened to him, and who he is. Overtime, he started to learn his name, but not mine. As the weeks went by, I started to give up on my father. I cried believing I was forgotten. I realised that this was worse than death. I couldn't take life anymore.

As I was walking to the cathedral, I thought of the end. I walked into the cathedral. The priest by the door smiled at me. After he disappeared from view, I sprinted up the stairs. I was getting out of breath. Once I got to the top, I walked to the edge of the roof. When I was about to jump, the priest suddenly appeared behind me. “Do not jump!”, the priest exclaimed. “You have so much to live for!”. I knew what to do. I made my decision. 


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11 Reviews


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Sat Jan 21, 2017 9:22 am
AkankshaD wrote a review...



Dear Sharphost ,
This literary work reminded me of the book," The boy in striped pyjamas". Dark truth of the holocaust and mass killings of hundreds of Jews.
Your style of writing is light hearted and simple. But I like the simplicity you have.
But , honestly, I don't think that is an article. Rather its an insight of what happened in the concentration camps. I would have liked it more if you had written your feelings about this or you could have used this article as flashback or something.
I felt it to be incomplete but you made a fairly good attempt. And one more comment if you don't mind, I don't think your age is unknown.
Well , keep trying.




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11 Reviews


Points: 310
Reviews: 11

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Sat Jan 21, 2017 9:21 am
AkankshaD says...



Dear Sharphost ,
This literary work reminded me of the book," The boy in striped pyjamas". Dark truth of the holocaust and mass killings of hundreds of Jews.
Your style of writing is light hearted and simple. But I like the simplicity you have.
But , honestly, I don't think that is an article. Rather its an insight of what happened in the concentration camps. I would have liked it more if you had written your feelings about this or you could have used this article as flashback or something.
I felt it to be incomplete but you made a fairly good attempt. And one more comment if you don't mind, I don't think your age is unknown.
Well , keep trying.




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Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:11 am
alexblackwell wrote a review...



Hey there SharpHost!!
I liked the essay, I will review it as I read again, Sentence by sentence.
''caved in cheeks and hollowed eye sockets'' I really liked how you describe the speaker's face.
''Hellish'' I learnt a new word from you.
''....passing give me money..' I think it should be, ''..Gave me money..'' I may be wrong.
''... camp taught me to live through one meal a day..'' I personally think a better structured sentence would be, '' I only manage to eat two meals a day, but the camp taught me to live with one.'' I would rather use the word ''Survive'' for the impact.
The ending though is a little weird. If the speaker chooses to live, the ending is appropriate. But, if the chooses to jump, a dead person cannot write, can he?
But I think it is okay, it is for the reader to decide the ending.

Summing up, it is an nice poem. There is always room for improvement, no matter who the author is.
Looking forward to reading more stuff from you.
Have a nice day!!
Cheers!
Alex Blackwell.




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Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:21 am
Lordofkittys wrote a review...



Hi, I will hopefully offer you some helpful tips to improve this piece. I think this is solid start, but there are some definite problems. I think the most prevalent issue for me was the length. The story went by super fast which didn't really allow any real attachments to the character. There were also several gaps in the story that seem quite crucial to the story like how he got home and more on his life with his father. I don't think the story's length has to be quadrupled or anything crazy like that, but some extra details here and there would definitely help build up the tension and emotions in the story.

I also agree with Lupa in that the ending seemed quite cliche and anticlimactic. I don't necessarily think ending it with a suicide is a bad way to end it, but it should be built upon before it happens so it has more meaning. Overall, I think some additions here and there would do some great things for the story. It has the potential to be a tearjerker, it just needs some extra oomph. Keep writing and have fun doing it!




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Wed Jan 11, 2017 3:10 am
Lupa22 wrote a review...



Hey, SharpHost! Lupa here for a review! Let's get started...

1) in the first paragraph, you seem to have a huge time-skip right in the middle, which is jarring and not too good to have. The first three lines are about before the war ended, the fourth line is about your main character finding their home taken over by another family, the fifth line is present day (or as present as you can get in historical fiction :)), and the sixth line is back to past tense again. Smooth out the time lapse in between those sentences and make it clear to your reader what's going on.

2) In the second paragraph, you went into a lot of detail describing the hunger of your main character, but the details are unrealistic. For example: "Everyday, only 1 out of 10 of the people passing give me money." First of all, why is your main character counting the exact number of people giving him money on the streets? Second of all, that's a lot of people if you think about it. Lots of people are going to be passing him on the streets, so 1 out of 10 isn't bad. I suggest taking out that detail entirely.

3) You have some HUMONGOUS cliches in your piece that kind of make me want to cringe. Your title, "The End," basically gives your whole plot away, and the main character thinking of "the end" in the last paragraph is a cliche. Then, here comes the big one: "“Do not jump!”, the priest exclaimed. “You have so much to live for!”. I knew what to do. I made my decision." What the priest says is almost completely unnecessary and does nothing to the plot, so I think you should delete that part.

Overall, there were some major things to fix, but I think you've got a good base--it's just how you build on it that counts. Keep writing and improving on YWS!

XOX,
Lupa22





Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana