Published July 22, 2010
I dropped the body on the ground with a thud.The man I just drank from rolled on and into the river. I didn't look back but climbed up on the tallest building, away from the scent of blood. I don't want to be the one hurt tonight by Riley, our clan leader. It isn't easy being in Riley's clan, but anybody would rather to stay, instead of risk of being caught by the mortals. All I know about Riley, is that he didn't create us for nothing. There is something big coming as he always says.
I looked down at the other vampire's fighting and killing each other for blood. Now, as far as I know, the one who killed is going to get in trouble with Riley. After a while we all got enough blood and went back to our hiding. When I pushed the door open everybody turned our direction, even Riley. He was angry. Or rather furious than angry? He was by me in a split of a second, holding me tightly by the neck. I was hanging in mid air trying hard not to shiver in fear and failing awfully.
"Did you have to bleedin' kill Diego?!" he yelled, swivelling me and shaking me from side to side. I breathed and shook my head quickly. "What?!" Riley demanded as he banged me on the wall. It wasn't too rough, like he always does to other people, but still, it hurt. I let out a small yelp before screaming in fright,"No! It wasn't me! I swear, Riley it wasn't me who killed Diego! But I did see it! I had no lighter I swear, I gave it to Marco to burn of the rest of the bodies! Riley I swear!" Riley let go of me, dropping me to the ground. I shot up and calmed myself down.
"Who was it that killed Diego?" Riley asked in a calm voice but people ignored him and kept talking. He tried again, this time yelling like a fierceful lion,"Who killed Diego!!!" Everybody looked at him in silence. There came a gasp from a corner. A gasp so soft only I could hear it. There was a girl in the corner, a book in her hand. Her long wavy hair looked so delicate as she covered her mouth with her free pearl white hand. There was pain in her eyes. I looked at Marco, knowing it was him who killed Diego and yelled out ,"It was Marco!" Riley nodded to me, pleased.
Marco then attempted to rip me up into pieces, but before he could tip me he was dragged back by Riley and had his leg ripped off. Marco screamed in agony, struggling with the pain. Riley walking up to me had a smile on his lips. He whispered,"Thank you, Opel." and walked off. I turned to look at the girl, who was watching Marco screaming and groaning in pain. I walked up to her and sat beside her on the floor.
"This Diego guy...You know him?" I asked. She turned to me and nodded. "I'm Opel. What's your name?" I asked again,my arm stretched out for her to shake it.
"Listen, I know how you feel. It's really hard to trust anyone here but you can trust me. I know what you are going through," I said with the warmest voice.
"Bree, " the girl replied shortly. She blinked and repeated herself, "My name is Bree Tanner."
"Nice to meet you. How long are you a vampire?"
"Three months. How about you?"
"Eight. I never saw you before. Are you always here?"
"Yes. Best way to stay out of trouble!" we both laughed at that comment. We talked on,into the morning. Until Riley came in the door with a scared look on his face. He yelled for everyone to get up and walked around for a bit breathing heavily. Then he stopped in the middle of the big circle we formed and begun with a stern voice.
"Listen all of you. There is a war coming and we are setting off today. Many of you will die and my advice is; try not to let the Cullens or the dogs kill you. Now let's go. We have a journey to complete," Riley finished with a warning growl at Marco who was still on the ground from yesterday. I looked at Bree who was looking really confused. Frightened, with shaky hands, I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. Then I forced a confident tone, "There are more of us than them. We have more chance of winning. Don't be scared. It didn't seem to calm her down much. Bree just swallowed and nodded as I helped her up.
All of us followed Riley, in silence, none of us dared to say a word as we knew how stressed Riley was. From time to time I glanced at Bree and she glanced at me. I sometimes smiled and sometimes blinked to her even though I was scared as well. I'm not a confident person. The most I fear of is not loosing my life, but of being such a chicken and run away from everyone, let them die. I still remember how it affected my human life.
I remember that my dad left my mom when I was six. It really hurt me and my mom.Mom burned every picture with dad on it, and put it in the bin. When I was sixteen, I had my first love. His name was Justin, he turned my world upside down. It was like he only existed. I loved him to death and would give anything for him. But one day, my mom invited him for supper. I helped her prepare everything. One big mistake I did was put red wine as a drink beside each pearl white plate.
It was twenty to eight and he was late forty minutes. Me and my mom tried calling him, his parents, his sister with no particular result. We were about to call police when he arrived, all dressed up, in a white suit. He looked like a prince, all he was missing was a charming white horse. Relived, we sat at the dinning table and begun to consume the wonderful meal my mom prepared. Once Justin started on the wine, he didn't stop. He asked for more and more until he got completely drunk and got out of control. When my mom refused to pour more wine into his cup, he slapped my mom across the face.
I reached for the phone to call the police, but he was there before me smacking the phone into my face.Terrified I kicked his guts and ran out the door, leaving him with my mom. I ran as fast as I could. Shocked by the dead end I turned and was about to run when I saw a blond man looking at me with a smile. That blond guy was Riley. "Oh! Please help me! My boyfriend got drunk and I ran away but my mom is still there! Please!" I screamed grabbing his shirt hysterically.
He just grabbed my head. I didn't know what to think. Rapidly he pushed my head back and bit into my veins. The pain was unbearable. I'm sure I will never forget it. I was disturbed by Riley."Wait. Don't go any further. Get ready to fight," Riley told us. Out of a sudden the Cullens came out looking scary. After them werewolves. Riley moved back. We weren't meant to know about this. "Fight. I'm going to stop the human. Go!" Riley yelled running off as we ran the opposite direction towards the enemy. A black headed girl stopped me, grabbing my head.
Swiftly I tripped her up on the ground. Not letting go of my head,the girl managed to crush my skull slightly. I was about to step on her head when I stopped to think. They didn't do anything to me. How could I kill a stranger? Why am I supposed to kill a stranger? I looked down at the girl, she was frightened for her life. Slowly I took my leg away from her face and put it down on the ground. I helped her up, then I backed away a metre or two. The girl looked at me for a while,then running off to kill another newborn.
Without thinking, I ran into the bushes to hide. I sat down and looked around at the bloodbath. Should I go join Riley's side or the Cullens side? Or should I back away?
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140,529 Literary Works • 673,398 Reviews
As "thegirlandthepen" has already described almost everything I would not go in whole details. But there is one thing that I always notice in your writings. See, when you put a comma(,) or a full stop(.) you have to leave a space after that. Whenever you write something you don't leave the space after comma and the full stop.
I am not good at Fan Fiction either but one thing is sure, that you've done it very well. But when writing your stories there is one thing that I would say that you should keep in mind. Don't always use vampires, these plots are getting crowded and gradually(which I don't think will take much time) people will stop taking interest in them.
There are some other things about your YWS profile but that I will tell you personally instead.
Hey there, my name is Eddie and I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you today.
I'm so pleased I've come across another Twilight FanFiction, I'm an avid reader and writer and there seems to be a shortage on YWS 
Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions
Nice action packed opening sequence, however the part I just underlined doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe 'It isn't easy being in Riley's clan, but everybody would rather stay a part of it than risk being caught by the mortals.'
When you started this sentence with 'Now, as far as I know...' I was expecting a big long description or explanation, instead it ended faster than it started. I would suggest to elongate this section. You could maybe write a little bit about the newborns' uncertainty to just exactly why they had been created.
Simple sentence poorly written, try re-working this. 'When our thirsts were fully satisfied...' etc.
I don't mean to be picky, but I'm not entirely sure 'bleedin' is the kind of slang Riley would use. Take into account that firstly; he's American. Secondly; he's a Vampire, don't you think 'bleedin' is kind of ironic? When writing FanFiction its crucial that you retain the characters' voices, which I know is near impossible seeing as everyone's writing style is different. It's hard but fans of The Twilight Saga will tell you the same, if he isn't believable as a character, people probably won't read or review it.
Okay, that has got to be one of the most pathetic pep talks I have ever heard. I don't mean to be rude, but I would re-consider this. Think about the fight that is about to happen in the clearing, think about how carefully and meticulously Victoria and Riley have been planning this show down. Surely the newborns need a little more than that. Maybe Victoria finally makes an appearance and gives them a grilling of her own? Just a suggestion.
Love how you added in a flashback to her human life, really gives you a feel for the character.
I can't help but think what Mother would let her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend drink at 16, not only that but red wine. Some alcopops I would have expected, I know parents do give alcohol to younger children nowadays, it just doesn't seem very realistic, just a thought. Perhaps Justin snuck the alcohol in anyway as he was so nervous about meeting her parents?
Not only is this a poorly structured sentence, its also a huge anti-climax. To twenty or so newborns, six vampires with golden eyes that had never seen before and a huge pack of wolves must seem utterly terrifying. Describe in detail every thought and emotion running through your MC's head, there is no build up, so the appearance of the Cullens' and the wolves is neither threatening or shocking.
This is a promising start, although it needs a lot of work and looking over. It's definitely worth carrying on, I love the idea of a newborn thinking mid-battle about why she is doing this, it is a strong idea it just needs a little something extra. You need to work on your sentences and structure, you need to think about the validity and the correctness of your writing. This piece needs to match what happens in Eclipse pretty closely, unless you are changing the plot then of course, you are free to do as you please. But I would suggest possibly watching this part of the movie as of course the battle isn't exactly described in the books. I hope you don't think I was being mean in my nitpicks, because believe me I'm not. I enjoyed this I just have a habit of picking out everything that I don't like, or I'm unsure of etc. I will always give you my honest opinion in the hope that it improves you and your writing. Also your character wasn't very definite, I couldn't sympathize with her because I knew very little about her, except from the flashback. Think about adding in subtle hints and gestures to get that across.
Good luck!
xo
Thanks for advice ziggyfred I will keep this in mind+
Hello there
I will just outline a few problem areas
I have a problem with this sentence. The body made the thud right?
So, this has potential. However, it's very disappointing for a first chapter. There is no suspense first of all; this is what I would expect to find when the story has long started. You did not introduce your characters all that well and you did very little storytelling, very little use of imagery. These are some of the elements needed for the wow factor so that I can continue reading. Besides, this is a fantasy story, and very hard to please considering the fact that it's about vampires. But keep at it, just consider revising the first chapter that's all
Keep writing.
If I'm correct in guessing what this is based on, then it's good. It is based on The twilight saga I think.
As far as vampire stories go, this could go various ways, which is what a good fantasy story needs.
I am not a fan of FanFic or twilight, but you have done quite well here.
If this was me, I would try and right a vampire story based on what you can think of, because it will be just as good.
Tell me if I am wrong about anything, and I will correct the review.
Keep writing
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666