A window's reflection is close to a mirror's
So close in fact, that you could look in it while shaving
Because you don't have a mirror in a bathroom in a home
So you use a window
From a store
Filled with things you can't afford
Which is sitting on
A very busy road
That a white car just happens to be driving on
And in that car is a girl
Who catches your eye through your reflection
And even though your shaving in a window from a store
You look at that girl and smile
And she frowns
So now she's laying in bed, thinking about that moment
Next time I'll smile.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I found this poem extremely relatable and kinda funny
I loved the topic upon which the poem is based. The fact that something so simple can be written into a poem is something to think about.
I think you could improve it in several ways.
First, you could be a bit more descriptive of how the homeless guy is feeling.
Even though your poem has got a nice ring to it, I'd have liked it more if expressed what they guy was feeling when he looked into the mirror or when the girl didn't smile back at him.
Second, you could be more subtle when you're changing from the guy's POV to the girl's. It seemed a tiny bit sudden and again, I would've liked a bit more description about the emotions she was going through when she frowned or when she lay in bed.
Last but not the least- the ending. I loved it. But despite the nice ending, the poem seemed a tiny bit incomplete. Maybe you could've written a line or two about the homeless guy so it gives the reader a sense of closure. But that's entirely up to you. If your aim is to keep the reader wondering about the possibilities, then I think it worked out quite well.
That being said your poem had a depth that could be felt in the first read itself.
It made me think of how different a window's reflection is to the mirror's. How it showed the inside of the store filled with things unattainable to the homeless guy; himself- something he was hoping to see and the girl's reaction to his smile- a frown.
I think it's funny in some ways and has a tiny bit of sadness in others. The topic itself makes the poem a little light and all in all, makes it a good read.
Thank you for your piece of art, Shanticlear. I enjoyed reading it.
[ Edit ]
Hey! Cello here!
I really enjoyed this. I can't put it into words but... *likes*
What's the point of a review without critique though?
Let's start-
I would suggest changing this to 'if you don't...'. With the point of view, it sounds better. Another thing, maybe try 'have a mirror, or a bathroom, or a home'. Just my opinion but I prefer it this way.[/quote]
I 'balance' the poem, I would make these lines one. Making new lines makes the reader pause and a pause isn't needed here.
In the next few lines, you show that she feels bad. Try to include that emotion here too. 'And out of instinct, she frowns'. She didn't mean to frown. It just happened.
Change 'I'll' to 'She'll' in order to keep to POV. Also, I might suggest mentioning 'the man shaving in the window' again. You had repetition of this earlier and I think it would be god to mention it again at the end.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hello dear,
I read your poem and it took me some time to make a view on your work, at last i got on some points. You need to learn from other professional writers. I appreciate your title "A window's reflection " . It seems quite emotional in its name . And your plus point is that your title and story behind the poem matches. But going through your work there is no rythm nor any rhyming , no music it is a art without background music. So work on it , you have creative and emotional brain. Keep it up.