love can be pure only
if you are with somebody
that cares about you
it's okay you don't have
to lie we all been in heartbreak you know
it's true but it's okay
God is always with you so take deep breathes
1,2,3
say let go and be free
You went outside
to feel the warm
summer breeze hitting your face
as you see the bees make a trace
as you suddenly calm down
you turned that frown upside down
you had forgotten about
what love is
here's some advice
don't push it so fast
take it easy
slow and stay with the flow
love is hard
I understand
I been there before it was
not worth it so don't
waist your life
trust me
it feels like
you have been stabbed with a knife
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Shamiaya! Welcome to YWS!
Your poem takes a neat twist on "Love"; instead of showing us how love feels, for the most part you give advice on how to be out of love and to break free of it. Sometimes love can be suffocating, but when this happens you describe how beautiful it is to break free of this constraint:
Your focus on nature imagery portrays the calm of letting go very well, and the rhyme scheme also adds a bit of a humorous element to it("calm down/upside down") which gives the reader a relaxing feeling.
I also really liked your repetition at the beginning("it's okay you don't have / to lie we all been in heartbreak you know / it's true but it's okay") because repetition is also a way to get people to calm down. "It's okay" is a phrase we often use when people apologize to us, and people who have suffered heartbreak often apologize without needing to, so the repetition of "it's okay" reminds us that it's not our fault.
I have a couple of critiques related to what luminescence said about enjambment:
In your fourth line you end on "have", which links the reader to your next line. Sometimes it helps to break off at a point like this, but here all it does is leave an unnecessary space when you are reading the poem. I would actually suggest breaking up the lines like this: "it's okay / you don't have to lie / we all been in heartbreak you know". This way you stick with one subject per line, and aren't breaking up a thought half-way through. You do this again six lines before the end, and you should take another look at it and try to find a way to break the lines so your thoughts flow a little better.
One other quick thing I would do is add commas right here:That gives a nice pause there when the reader is reading it.
My last critique has to do with your ending; throughout the poem it seems as if you've been doing a lot to calm down the reader and help them break free from suffocating love; however, this last line is almost like someone dumping cold water over you to wake you up. On my first read through, I wasn't expecting it at all, and it felt out of place for me. You are introducing violent imagery at the very last line of the poem, and while this can be used to great effect, I think you should stick with the imagery you used above and instead of talking about how it feels to be in a break up, talk about how it feels to move on from it. The poem shifts topics to drastically for me, but it's up to you if you want to change it
Overall, great job for your first published work! You're already using a lot of the basic components of poetry(figurative language, literary devices and contrast), and I think you have a lot of potential for developing them!
Happy Writing!
Excellent work you've got there I would say. It won't hard reviewing your work, seeing that the words used are a lot more plain and simple.
It's more like an advice on those who think they aregoinf through a lot of trauma resulting from the dampening nature of what and whom they think they love.
You know, one thing about me is that I do more of amazing than reviewing and all the same it's still more like it.
Many can't catch up with love and so that get drowned in it.
It's good when you related it to yourself that you've been there before. Well I think you were writing about yourself.
In an overview, I think you should make good use of your punctuations as a good poet you are.
Nevertheless, that would not in anyway stop the nice flow of the poem.
Kudos.. Keep the spirit going.
Hi, BrokenHeartsAri here for a short review!
So first welcome to YWS if you ever need anything you can just walk over to my room being that we live together.
So.....I loved this poem I wasn't expecting this when you said you were going to write a poem. I enjoyed reading this.
My favorite part was
love can be pure only
if you are with somebody
that cares about you
it's okay you don't have
to lie we all been in a
heartbreak you know
it's true but it's okay
because God is always
with you "
You know I'm Not good with deep breathes. But this is your poem and I enjoyed reading this.
I hope whoever else reads this will love it just like I did.
Keep up the great work-BrokenHeartsAri
'Ello there!
First of all, the all-caps title does nothing for you. It might actually make some people turn away and not think about going back, which is most likely something no writer would want. I love expanding styles and trying new things, but some styles aren't the best choice for some kinds of poetry, all-caps being towards the top of that list.
I'll also bring that up with the ending being changed so suddenly. It's nice to have aesthetics and formats that differ, but they need to be eased into instead of clashed together. If you had more free-thinking with italics and bold, it would seem more natural with everything else going on right now, but that's just my thoughts here though.
Continuing from the last line, removing the punctuation would make it flow better with the rest. I see it's trying to add some emotion or some effect, but personally it doesn't make the poem look any better or worse; it can go either way, but if you keep the punctuation, maybe attempt adding more throughout the whole poem.
I don't think breaking at points like "a" or "the" work well because it just cuts off the flow and has no extra meaning. The usage of enjambment in a neat way is something so fragile, and it can be messed up so easily, so I suggest working on that area.
Good job ~
L