“What We Never Said'' (part 3)

Hey there, Shakthisinha! This is Alex, here for a review. We're trying to clear up the GR completely this weekend, but it never hurts to get an early start. Plus I saw yours were the only lyrics in the GR so thought I'd clear out that section easy. Without further ado, let's get right into it ~

So I actually read the previous parts and I love the concept! I did actually like the first one the most, but I guess this one still holds its own just fine as well. A cold father is no new idea, but you carry it exceptionally well. The series has the quality of a story, something people also associate with my poetry so I might be a little biased here though. I actually find it quite resonating to the father-son duo in my NaPo murder mystery musical, you could definitely check it out if the suggestion interests you.

I'm actually a little confused about this being lyrics, really. They feel more like poems to me, did you have a reason to argue otherwise? I guess the first two could still qualify, given they're high in emotions and I could see that being channelled into a song. But with this one, I fail to see the melodic vision as you don't mention any music specific either. It could be very well that you don't compose (same here), but I think the reader still needs something to feel it's meant to be sung and not just read, as the current format hardly suggests so. There are a lot of composers here, I think you should consider collaborating with someone to breathe a little more life in your project.

Your name flashing
like a memory I had buried.

I sense a plot hole here! You said the protagonist deleted their father's name flashing on the call? You could change it to number and the details would not longer contradict. Just a slight slip up, happens to the best of us! I do love the imagery of the second line, by the way. Linking a human action to something abstract- classic for a reason.

“He kept your childhood drawings
in his wallet.”

They said you would smile
whenever someone asked about me.
Said you called me
“my greatest achievement.”

I do like the direct tone here! The contrast is sharp and ambiguity is given no room as the protagonist learns the truth from his father's perspective. The actions are incredibly sweet, I really sympathize with the father.

I did not know
I was loved
in past tense.

I feel like the last line comes a bit too raw to chew here. It's relevant of course, but not really poetic if you get what I mean. I do have a few alternatives that mean the same, but feel free to keep your version if you like it this way:

All this while that I have lived
Your love warmed me and
I didn't even know it, but now
That I do, it's too late because
You're gone and I'm freezing

I feel like you could add such metaphors to bring out the grief more. Simple language is good, but sometimes you need a little sugar to make it sweeter.

Closing opinions- I do believe this song / poem came across as too literal here. It needs more hooks to appeal to the reader better. It works still, and it's all that bad. But I had high expectations front the first two pieces and I doubt this one lived upto them. The series also has one terrible flaw of pacing. The protagonist's perspective had such potential, and I didn't see the narrative expand on it after the first work. I feel like I didn't have enough time to relate to the protagonist before the other side was forced in sight. It just felt less rewarding, that we didn't get to sympathize with the protagonist a lot, before we were told he was right which I don't even believe to be true. The father may have loved him, but his lack to express it caused much difficulty to the protagonist which is reason enough for valid resentment. The dynamic could be a little more complex, while also keeping it's morality. But overall, had a good time reading this! That's all I have for now, keep writing. Until next time ~

Love, Alex

Son

The call came
on an ordinary afternoon.
Your name flashing
like a memory I had buried.

this poem is a deep and grieving process of a son a mother, a father or a friend.

Gone?
Without hearing me forgive you.
Without hearing me say
that I waited, too,
for you to try.

this part fills quite important; the tension of a argument or a fight happens.
and was unfortunate to pass without a worthy apology

I found your old diary_
numbers, expenses,
my school dates circled in red.
Beside one entry you had written,
“Someday he will understand
why I had to be hard.”

That day
was the day you left

those words really hit deep, the way they're looking back at there old belongings unable to
let go

really touching and a good way of describing the setting for anyone who has never lost a loved one, most people that have lost friends loved ones and have attended a funeral will know the person that is speaking about the person that is now passed away will basically never tell the truth of the real person

keep up the good work