Greetings, editor.
This is a poem from my story, told from the point of view of a guy, not a girl. I'm not happy with it, so any advice as how to make it better would be appreciated. Thanks!
The shadows creep upon the ground
And from the sky a fog drifts down
Before me lies a barren land.
Leafless shrub and thorny grass
Rotting trees of ages past
All rooted in the earth and sand.
Straight through this land my path doth lie
Under dull and cloudy sky
I cannot, will not, turn back now.
Beyond this land are mountains tall
From past the mountains comes a call
Of meadow green and leafy bough.
My homeland calls me to its heart
To stay in peace, and ne’er depart
At last my roaming days are o’er.
When I, at last, behold the face
Of one I love, her warm embrace
Will comfort me forevermore.
I’ll walk with her through pastures fair
And breathe the dewy springtime air
And nevermore I’ll be alone.
My eyes are fixed upon the road
I’m carrying a heavy load
But I don’t care. I’m going home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi Shafter,
Still it is very entertaining
I love the whole scene and imaginery been created here, I like your rhyming structure, but the rhyming itself is pretty average, your usage of words is too simple and doesn't quite fit the whole complicated scene you've created.
Now if this is for a story I would say leave it, because the story probably covers it up and this poem just adds up to it. But for poetry alone, this is well average I suppose
Cheerios, Chandni
Loved it darling!
Sorry, I'm not much help at criting poems and I know you don't like it when I don't have anything constructive to say--but hey. I like it, so there!
Thanks for moving it!
I wasn't sure where to post it, so now I know. Merci.
Cheers! ~Shafter
*moved to other poetry*
This is in the wrong section.