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If you give a company your email...

by Shady


Credit (or blame) to @soundofmind for giving me this crackbrained idea


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Wed Dec 22, 2021 4:59 pm
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Ichthys says...



I love it! If you give a mouse a cookie, it'll bankrupt you with its need for a constant supply. If you give a website permission to use cookies, it'll bankrupt you through peer pressure to buy things you don't need (like cookies for a certain little mouse which has been secretly using your computer). Either way your wallet is doomed ^^




Shady says...


Where's the lie?



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Wed Dec 22, 2021 3:05 am
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Seirre wrote a review...



Heyo ShadyVypy! I totally could not resist the urge to review this satirical beauty, so here I am :3

Concept wise, plot wise, content wise, this whole thing is 10/10. I love the use of alternating font sizes, and also the mega dramatic accompanying images - they work together to create the vibe that the story is taking itself very seriously, but in a satirical way, if that makes any sense at all. I have actually never read the original version of this? Whoops - so I can't really comment on how good a parody it is in that regard. But taking it on its own, it stands up by itself quite well which I think is an important marker for any good parody/spin-off.

I really really love the photos you've chosen, especially of the lego person and the little girl with all the hands pointing at her. Like she's 100% about to be peer pressured into buying something by all those disembodied arms.

Nitpick wise, I just had a couple of small notes~

If you give a company your email,
they're going to ask to enable unnecessary cookies.

Technically, the subjects in these two clauses don't really match? I.e. a company = it, not they. But I also think saying "it's going to ask to enable unnecessary cookies" doesn't have quite the same ring to it ?? Something to consider would be introducing a new subject to the second part, like "the techies are going to ask to enable unnecessary cookies" or something, so then "they" in all the following sentences make sense. (Techies being the first thing that came to mind, I'm sure there are much better options!)

Then the bigger corporations will begin stalking you,
to make sure they don't miss anything.

Since this is not a poem, I'm gonna let myself critique the punctuation here xD Grammatically speaking, there shouldn't reallyy be a comma after "you". I can see why you put it, as it kind of indicates that the idea continues after the photo, but personally, I just think it would be cleaner to not have the comma (especially since elsewhere you use flawless grammar).


Also, can I just say that the level of personality you give to the companies and "bigger corporations" is hilarious?? Something about how you phrase stuff like "They might get carried away and start showing you..." & "they'll get excited at the interaction" makes the companies sound so childish and just absolutely cracks me up xD

Overall, this was a joy to read c: This isn't the longest review I've written, but honestly this piece is already golden so I just don't have that many critiques for you. On a related note, reviewing this made me hanker for some good ole angsty Shady poetry to review ~ I might have to bully you into writing another angsty poem for me :3

All the best,
Sierra misty




Shady says...


Sierra misty!! <33

HOW HAVE YOU NEVER READ IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE?!?! That's just......... I am horrified.

I love the use of alternating font sizes, and also the mega dramatic accompanying images


Aha tank u, this is sheer laziness but I'm glad it enhanced the artistry xD I used AdobeSpark to make each "page" of this with a ~ s i m i l a r ~ vibe of the original, and was fully aware the text sizes would be different between pages because of differences in how many words and the size of the image etc etc and decided I couldn't be bothered to care.... and it turns out people really like it xD So, win-win

Also, you raise fair points! The first line of the OG is "If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk" and then goes on to continue using "he" pronouns throughout. So... yeah, I was having the same trouble of "it" not feeling right but what is a company's pronouns? lol I like your suggestion of introducing a nerd squad presence ^^

Thanks for the review! I appreciate it <3

On a related note, reviewing this made me hanker for some good ole angsty Shady poetry to review ~ I might have to bully you into writing another angsty poem for me :3


:eyes: it HAS been a while, hasn't it....? *strokes nonexistent beard*



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Thu Dec 16, 2021 9:54 pm
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R33SE wrote a review...



Hey there ShadowVyper, R33SE here for a review!!

Disclaimer:

Spoiler! :
All of my reviews are based on firstly, my understanding and knowledge of technical writing, traditional prose and creative/theory writing. While I do have many, many years and thousands of hours of study and practice, understand that I am certainly not a marked professional, so some things may be more a matter of opinion.

And secondly, creative writing is no different than a painting, and is hard to judge based on any strict criteria. I simply attempt to understand your purpose for the piece, and review based on how effective you were at creating the experience for your reader that you wanted to.


Please feel free to leave feedback!! I love to have conversations about literary works and learn new things.

Hopefully you find my opinion and insight helpful in your writing journey! So without further ado, let me begin:


PROSE/RHETORIC: Image
Spoiler! :
Hard to say much about this considering you are literally doing a spoof, but that's why I put five stars because you obviously reincarnated that children's book well.

BUT, in certain areas I most certainly can sense the heightened level of disdain as the email turns into cookies, morphs into an entire campaign to get you to buy that product!

GRAMMAR/STRUCTURE: Image
Spoiler! :
If we look at this objectively, I would point out that the grammar doesn't compare 100% to the original book, specifically in the area of using/not using conjunctions. In every case, the original will use "he'll" and "he's", which you do most of the time, but at certain points choose to break them apart.


DEVELOPMENT: Image
Spoiler! :
And chances are if they begin listening to your conversations again, they're going to want to give another company your email.
I did notice that you broke the string at the end here. Whereas, in the original book, the story comes full circle and ends with a final sentence that is the exact reverse of what it began with, it "cookie, wants milk" to "milk, wants cookie", your ending differs in that it does not directly reflect how the story began. A simple thing, but perhaps a necessary fix were you to ever shoot for a New York Times Bestseller ;)

INFLUENCE/IMPRESSION Image
Spoiler! :
I love, love satire! And this is a very pure example of it. I'm laughing on the outisde because it's hilariously funny and relatable...and I'm crying on the inside because I just spent 3 hours last week unsubscribing from pointless websites on my work email that I KNOW I never visited or even google searched. Such is the life of a modern, technologically advanced world. 5 stars for this idea!


In conclusion;

Loved it! Obviously reviewing such a simple, satirical piece might seem a little redundant, but I enjoyed the read, and the obvious effort you went through just to create and upload all the images.

MERRY CHRISTMAS




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Thu Dec 16, 2021 2:40 pm
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wow... too true.




Shady says...


*tips hat*



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Fri Dec 10, 2021 4:06 pm
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GoAmazons says...



Amazingly done. I Love the way you made it graphic and screaming. The font is so big, I got scared even haha. Great job!




Shady says...


Haha tank u



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Fri Dec 10, 2021 2:12 pm
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momonster says...



i cri so beautiful




Shady says...


:%u2019)



Shady says...


%u2026 it apparently does not like apostrophes. Just imagine the smiley instead xD



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Fri Dec 10, 2021 3:28 am
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ChieRynn says...



the variation in the text size for emphasis is the best part of this 10/10




Shady says...


Image



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Fri Dec 10, 2021 2:44 am
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starlitmind says...



Wow. What a masterpiece.




Shady says...


Image



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Fri Dec 10, 2021 2:41 am
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soundofmind says...



This is amazing. I love it... golden




Shady says...


i am 2 pleas




No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance