Published March 21, 2013
We Rise In Darkness
The shadows coiled and writhed along the grounds. It came in a wave, living, moving and searching. It slipped through the graves, finding all but what it searched for. Atop a hill, centred in the cemetery a lone grave stood, bathing in the silver glow of the full moons light. The tombstone was unmarked, faded with age. It was the first to ever have been placed there. And that was what the shadows sought. From all directions, it sped up the hill, a great tumbling mass of darkness. It rose in the air, forming a point before piercing the grave beneath. It vanished, leaving no trace of its presence. All was still and silent on the surface again, but not so beneath.
Moments after the darkness vanished, a hand exploded through the surface of the grave. Black talons dug into the ground. The grave collapsed in on itself and flew outwards. The shadows circled around an unseen being. They settled on the form, solidifying as black armour. Large, feathered wings, blacker than the midnight sky, stretched out, loosening a fountain of soil from its grooves. Piercing red cat eyes glowed murderously. Fangs flashed from beneath the black, lipless skin. ‘Narsak draknorn,Hea drekka lashifned. Wrans remorn fiey klet bieak jarn orna vengoal!’ Shadowangels, I have returned. Rise brethren and we will have our revenge! The shadowangel hissed in a deep, layered voice, booming across the cemetery and the small town beyond. It raised a black sword, seething shadows. The tip faced the full moon and the shadows erupted, circling far above. Thunder cracked across the sky and the air was filled with desperate wails. The portal was open. Hundreds of Shadowangels darted into the cemetery, screeching in sheer delight. Their leader, standing on the grave took off, flying towards the road beyond the cemetery gates, where a lone human awaited it.
The angel stopped before him, flexing its claws. The human bowed. ‘Master, you have awakened.’ He whispered. The Angel studied him for the moment. ‘You were the being who returned me to this miserable place of a planet?’ The human nodded. ‘Why?’ He looked up the great angel, ‘I know you seek to summon your master and teach our race, and all others in the universe that you rule, and you alone and I wish to assist you in bringing such terror.’ The angel paused, before grinning at its new ally. ‘Only when your rivers run red with human blood and death rules can my master rise. There shall be none left living, but you will have the honour of first blood spilt.’ The human looked up in fear as the angel raised its taloned hands. With a single swipe, the head was severed and the body collapsed, spraying blood across the already dying grass. The angel screeched and pointed with its sword towards the town just beyond. The other angels laughed and sped towards it in a great, streaming black mass. Their reign of terror had begun.
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139,732 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
I really like this. A novel sounds good. You have really good imagery and the mood is unbreakable. You did a really good job at making the cliffhanger. Novel please.
I think your idea of making this into a novel is a good one. The short story above could be your prologue. I like the brutality of the angle and you described him beautifully, I could just see him in my mind, the look on his face when he rose from the ground and when he severed the man head off. I really liked it!
The short was good, and the brutalness of the angel seems more realistic then most of the other stuff i have read. There are some people that would make the evil one feel pitty for the one before them and take them in but in reality they would be killed. though the idea of making the dark angle speak properly to a lower human makes it seemed forced. he wouldnt see the human as worthy or as a being that he would talk to on an equal level. just thinking out loud but i liked it.
Very dark tone, dark indeed. This had me leaning forward in my seat. Can't tell if it's my fever or your story that sent a chill up my spine either. This was a great story beautifully written, and I only managed to catch a few nitpicks.
So let's get started. You wrote, "Atop a hill, centred in the cemetery a lone grave stood, bathing in the silver glow of the full moons light." First of you have centered spelled wrong, and secondly (this is a recommendation) instead of using "bathing in the silver glow of the full moons light" try "basking in the silver glow of the moon's light." sounds better and more sophisticated.
This next part I understand where you where going with this, but it could have been executed better. You wrote, "The grave collapsed in on itself and flew outwards." how does it collapse inwards and fly outwards? Again I understand what you where going for, but it could have been executed better like this " The grave collapsed in on itself and then flew outwards." I added a single word.
That's all I could find, but I'm sure someone else can find something I missed. It was a good story, and It intrigued me a lot. Though the plot was a bit unoriginal, but as a writer we run into that. I'm not say your story wasn't original, I'm saying that the idea of a human raising something from a grave is overused. On top of that having whatever was risen kill the riser is also very cliche. Well I'm glad to see this story, and I hope to see more from you in the future.