Published April 15, 2007
A soft cough makes the lad look up, and then his eyes widen and he tries to get away from her. The her with a long cape swirling around her booted ankles, the her in a crimson corset and black laces, black fishnet stockings clasp her long legs and the single, white glove on her hand, a splash of colour yet somehow all the more chilling for it. all mortals know and can understand, on an instinctive level, how a vampire is their predator.
“Wh-who are you?” He stammers out, his voice still containing a boyish quality.
“I am either your saviour or your death.” Comes the calm, and somewhat cold reply. A wind blows in through the window, ruffling the pale, pale woman’s long cloak. He shivers violently, rubbing his bare arms in an effort to get warm but she doesn’t notice the cold, or doesn’t seem to.
“What do you mean? H-how did you get in here!”
“You have reached the end of your pitiful existence, one way or the other, the only choice you have really is how you will go.” She replies, extending a white hand, silver in the moonglow from out the barred window. Her eyes dark, fathomless, bottomless as his fearful eyes look up at her “You can join me, accept my gift, reject it to be destroyed by your brethren, or become my meal.” She continues, her full lips moving in her face, black in the moonlight.
He blinked, stunned, but already his mind was processing the information.
He most definitely did not want to die, by any method, so that only left one option, accepting this…gift of hers. “What kind of gift?” he asks suspiciously, slowly standing.
Her lips curve into a triumphant smile, he’s hooked. Now all she has to do is reel him in…”Immortality, of never having to eat cooked meals again, the flesh of any creature, plant or animal. That is the gift I’m offering you.” She murmurs softly, walking towards him, her hand still extended.
“What’s the catch?”
“You’ll never see your friends again, nor the sun.”
“Alright…I guess, it’s not like I’d be missed.” He reaches out and takes her cold hand, hard, like marble. He spares almost a whole second in hesitation once his hand’s in her grip, but then she’s pulling him into her embrace and all else is forgotten.
The vampiress almost purrs, he’s hers! Enfolding her arms around him, she holds his fragile mortality, the brief spark of that flame of life against her immortal coldness, savouring the warmth. Then, her grip changes, one cold, slender hand holding his shoulder the other tilting his head to the side, baring his sweet throat to her. Her lips brush down over his cheek, his ear, kissing, caressing the lad before they settle on the frantically beating pulse in his neck.
He shivers, a faint fission of fear as he realises that she is a lot older than he thought, not in her twenties, but older, ancient, hundreds of years old. Then, the sharp kiss, the pain of her teeth sinking into his neck, puncturing the artery, the drag of her mouth as she draws his blood out of his veins and into her, a much needed and desired meal.
Vision darkening, the lad sways in the immortals grasp, just shy of fainting when her lips and mouth withdraw. Her tongue grazes over the wound, healing it as she opens her wrist, setting it to his mouth. Instinctively, the newly made vampire sinks his teeth in, feeding hungrily on the offered blood, filling his veins with her dark, soulless blood.
He shudders, his mouth releasing her wrist and she seals the wounds, releasing him. He stiffens, back arching, a cry of pain echoing through the prison, a weeping cry of immortal agony as he dies, shedding his mortal life like unwanted skin. Rising, trembling from the floor he runs his tongue curiously over his teeth, gazing up at the beauty before him as a strange new hunger fills his mind.
“Come.” She says, extending her hand once more “Now we Feed.”
First pre-edit edit, in the process of rewriting
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139,455 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Who cares? I don't.
"Lad"? I giggle.
A few things here.
First: a Mark Twain quote: "Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'"
Second: No. Just no. It's completely pointless.
Could you work that in as you go? This really seems like the wrong place for it. I also know what scruffy 19-year-olds look like - I'd much rather know what the vampire looks like.
What is with this whole lad thing? Incidentally, this is probably the best place to start the story.
"Wh-who are you?" he stammers in a boyish voice.
"I am either your saviour or your death," comes the calm, and somewhat cold reply.
The word "cold" gets bandied about a lot, hence it doesn't give much description.
You go on to make the same grammar mistakes with the punctuation in dialog. "That's it," she said. "That's it!" she said. "That's it." The words were venomous.
Self-explanatory.
Two tenses in one sentence makes my head hurt. It could be the Gwen Stefani and lack of sleep, but, yanno.
I can't see a reason for it to be in present tense, so I guess it's personal preference, which is fine.
Is this capital for the hell of it?
And yes, it's a generally accepted fact that becoming a vampire isn't just a sort of 2-second presto thing. It's the climax. Work it.
Hmm...I'm not entirely sure what the meaning of 'yank' is...but sorry bout the spelling thing...it always messes me up...that kinda thing. I appologise for the misinterpritation.
If thats the case then this makes no sense...meals usually have something to do with feeding...Actually, I have not read Anne Rice, I tried desperately and couldn't make it through.
And you say, that neither of them had eaten...
-JC
Point one, I'm aussie, you're yank. Which means 'neighbourhood' is spelt correctly, for me.
The fledgeling bites and drinks their sires blood otherwise they die die, not mortal die.
Point two, I wrote it at 11pm, after being up since 6 the previous morning. Thinking was not my forte at that time, hence why there are some gaps in the tale.
Point three, names would have unnecessarily complicated the tale that was purely for the Turning, not a proper tale as such. Hence why she had to take him out to Feed, that was just the Kiss and the Turning, duh. Neither of them had eaten by the end of that so...
And no, he hadn't been made a vampire completely. Haven't you read Anne Rice?
Oh, and thanks, I know it was a bit fast paced, if I was more awake I would have dragged it out, made his acceptance a complete seduction on her part but....tiredness took a toll and I couldn't be bothered.
Like I said, I was tired, and my writing suffered for it. I never intended for this to be anything other than a short story, considering that I write novels that are 72pages+ long.
Otherwise, thanks for the review heh, I'll change that semi-colon to a full colon...
Hmmm...let's start this party with some boxes!!!!
Incorrect use of the semicolon!
The semicolon has two main purposes:
1. It binds two sentences more closely than they would be if separated by a full stop/period. It often replaces a conjunction such as and or but. Writers might consider this appropriate where they are trying to indicate a close relationship between two sentences, or a 'run-on' in meaning from one to the next; they do not want the connection to be broken by the abrupt use of a full stop.
2. It is used as a stronger division than a comma, or a "super comma," to make meaning clear in a sentence where commas are already being used for other purposes. A common example of this use is to separate the items of a list when some of the items themselves contain commas.
Places not to use it...
at the end of a paragraph.
It could just be me, but I find the use of the word lad a bit awkward or weird here.
Spelling. Neighborhoods.
pale when used twice in a row here works, but interrupted the flow of the story for me.
Paragraph one- Happened way too quickly, you might want to draw out the actual act of becoming a vampire for at least a few minutes.
Paragraph two- Once again, moves a tad bit too fast.
Them together- Confusing. So, in the first one, she feed him because he's an new vamp...
and then he's mortal again, dies, and becomes a vampire...again?? It just doesn't make sense...
Okay, you're getting way into the vampire stuff here...didn't they just feed? I think the problem is you're getting to involved in the act's of being a vampire and what it entitles and because of that the story is suffering gaps where you could add in something.
Okay, there are a few things I think should be said... this is a tad bit...cliche, in an almost cheesy way. What a lot of people are looking to read is stuff they've never read before. You don't want to read something and have an itchy sense of deja-vu do you? Well, I don't.
This story has a load of potential, you can keep the classic vampire idea's without necessarily keeping the classic vampire story. It's one of the hardest things to write about, next to good romance.
I love your writing style and use of description. Your dialog could use some work, but other than that, with a few alterations this is a beautiful story.
Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or stuff like that. Sorry if I seemed a tad bit harsh. It was not my intention.