No words, no voice,
No other choice,
Direful stranger came,
There is no one to blame.
Now he is here, between,
Makes everything darker than it is seem,
No words, no voice,
No other choice,
Silence is here.
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
This is your first piece of poetry wow? its really good. the sixth line was a little confusing.
. I really enjoyed this it had so much information in just one line.Happy writing.this story is very intriguing. I cant wait to read more of your work.
This is your first piece of poetry wow? its really good. the sixth line was a little confusing.
. I really enjoyed this it had so much information in just one line.Happy writing.
Wow. That's what I have to say. This is an amazing first effort in poetry, especially since it's not only a narrative-style, but a rhyming narrative-style. I like the usage of stuffed words; it made the poem more intriguing than it would have been had you chosen to use them. A few corrections I would point out- your sixth line, "make everything darker than it is seem", would mesh better with the poem if it was "make everything darker than it seems" or "make everything darker than it would seem". Other than that, I don't really have much else to correct. I like the poetic elements you used; the rhyme was straight, but not tacky like many straight rhyming poems are. The 'aa bb' pattern worked well here. Your repetition from the start to the end was nice. Assonance in the words added to the effect of the poem. Overall, I have to say, nice work, and I encourage you to continue writing poetry.
Au revoir,
-xxFleetingEternity
Thank you very much
Hi there Shadowman
If this is your first poem, then well done, great effort!
Sometimes rhyming schemes can seem cheesy or corny when used poorly, but I think this one works well.
This line:
"Makes everything darker than it is seem"
It sticks out because it is slightly longer than the others, and also it doesn't seem to make sense? I think it should be:
"Makes everything darker than it seems".
I really like the repetition of the first two lines, as this makes the final one, "Silence is here", more effective and powerful.
Overall, this is an intriguing poem, and ambiguously charming as it is quite mystical. I find myself wondering what your inspiration was, and what the deeper meaning is?
Great job, I really enjoyed it!
Keep writing!
Bethan
Thank for the critique.
This sixth line- I see a mistake now, but poetry is very hard to translate. Originally this poem was written in Croatian.
Actually, I wrote this poem when I had strife with my girlfriend and someone close to me died.
Wow, I'm sorry to here that, but the poem is truly lovely. And well done for translating it so perfectly from Croatian, I had no idea!