A flower.
Ha.
Insignificant- correct?
Pointless beauty in a world of war games.
Bold poppies, gushing in red- Flanders-
The bloody flowers spilling forth between icy lips.
Lilies. Gentle bloom, veils between the living
And those below the bedded soil. I stroke the velvet white petals,
Leaving it next to drop at that fatal sign of stone.
I look back:
Hold a buttercup to your chin.
Golden glow flows against your pale skin.
You laughed; so like angel song.
Beauty sound to kiss my ears.
You- a teenage youth; in one moment thrown back
To a child, as we ran through empty
Glowing grass growing fields,
As we pick the flowers.
Finding then a four pieced clover.
Greening good luck you plucked from
Earth to give to me.
Your wish- to bring me, hold me close
Bind me by veiling my lips with yours.
So, with a star-ish rock encased in banded white gold,
Comes to me One Rose.
Redder still than poppies were,
Though blood comes not to weaving thoughts…
Just a love, with kissing petals
Unbound from a bud
To flourish forth and…
Finally wilt: like you…in your casket…now.
But Our Love- unlike those flowers dead-
Falls not in your last, your final, season.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'll admit, the first time I read through this, I was ambivalent. Then I read it again, and I began to like it. A third time through and, though there are things that could do with significant tweaking (your line breaks, for one), I started to fall in love with it. The first stanza I'm not so sure about. "Ha?" Um... it's not exactly poetic, now is it? And the line breaks are pretty wonky here. Also, when using dashes, please use two hyphens (read: -- instead of -). It makes it much easier on the eyes and when you use only one hyphen, I can't help but stop and wonder if it's meant to be a dash or a hyphenated invented word. You don't want the reader to stop and have to thing about something like punctuation--it should just flow. I'm also uncertain about the phrase "teenage youth" in the fourth stanza. It feels redundant and unnecessary. Besides, it's much more pleasing to the inner ear as: "You--a youth; in one moment thrown back." Feel how the rhythm falls right into place? And it's got those lovely paralleled sounds in the beginning of the line.
Personally, I think the first four stanzas are the strongest. After that it gets kind of repetitive and unnecessary. The first four, however, are lovely, and I think that if you scaled the poem back to just them and did a little tweaking, this could be absolutely stunning.
Happy writing!
Oooh a complex poem.Nice. The imagery in this poem is very vivid and the irregular form works really well. It seems a little fragmented in places and skips from place to place but the semantic field of flowers is an interesting choice and a good contrast against war and death. Basically I loved it, keep up the good work!