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Young Writers Society



The Charm of Deception - Chapter One

by Shady


The hot summer sun was unmerciful as filled the small clearing, making sweat tickle Rana’s neck. She leapt forward and swung the sword over her head with all her might. It clattered against Jaerek’s sword loudly, then glinted off. He lifted his sword in an attack, but Rana was too fast.

She whirled in a circle and brought her sword around in a back-handed blow towards his abdomen. He blocked at the last moment, over-extending himself in the process. She stepped forward and stuck her foot out to trip him as he stumbled forward. He rolled over onto his back, just as she brought the tip of her sword down on his collarbone.

“Alright! My turn!” Wyl said eagerly, jumping to his feet. He grabbed a wooden sword from the rack and started forward, feral grin on his face. His black hair was a knotted mess atop his head and sweat already glistened on his dark skin. “I’ll show you two how real warriors do it.”

“You wish,” Rana snorted, stepping back. She bent down and helped Jaerek back to his feet, then turned towards Wyl. She swung her sword in a circle, partly to show off and partly to stretch her sore shoulder. “I could take you all day any day.”

“You talk big,” Wyl said, weighing his sword in his hand. “But you’ve yet to beat me.”

She glared up at him but couldn’t argue. In the dozens of times they’d sparred, he always came out as the victor. But, it was hardly surprising. Where Jaerek was slender and only a little taller than her, Wyl was already the size of a man.

He was only three years older than Rana and Jaerek, but already had broad shoulders and a deep voice. Their juvenility clung to them, while it seemed like Wyl’s was pushed out with the sprouting beard on his chin. He still refused to get grown up friends, as his father desired.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to hurt your delicate little man pride,” Rana said dismissively. “It would embarrass you if I beat you.”

“Really? Is that true, Jae?” Wyl asked, turning towards Jaerek. “Does it hurt your pride every time she beats you?”

“Shut up,” Jaerek grumbled, walking to the edge of the clearing. He flopped down unceremoniously, tossing his sword down beside him as he crossed his arms with a scowl. His brown hair was every bit as disheveled as Wyl’s, and the sweat on his brow made the dirt stick to his pale skin.

His friends laughed at his distemper, then turned towards each other.

Rana swung her sword again, looking for any weaknesses in Wyl’s defenses. She never found any, and she doubted she ever would. All of her swordsmanship lessons were by secret, to avoid her father’s wrath. Wyl actually had an instructor to train him and had been receiving lessons for several years already.

“Ladies first,” Wyl said mockingly, bowing slightly.

“After you,” Rana retorted. She smirked at the glare she got but didn’t wait for a response. Instead, she leapt forward with a thrust towards his abdomen. He blocked easily and returned a volley of blows. A strike towards her side, an overhanded blow, a pass towards her legs.

She blocked each blow, then made a backhanded blow towards his ribs. Their battle was even more intense than her and Jae’s had been. She was the fastest of the three, but Wyl was the strongest. She didn’t find it difficult to get her blade between herself and Wyl’s sword in time to block his blows, but it wasn’t easy to keep him from overpowering her.

As the seconds stretched into minutes, their breaths began coming in pants and their bodies were slick with sweat. Neither was willing to surrender. Rana’s arms began to tremble with the effort it took to keep Wyl’s blade from pressing through her defense.

Wyl brought his sword down over her head. Rana threw her own sword up to block the blow, eyes growing wide when the blades both came down to hover uncomfortably close to her neck. She pushed against the swords with all her might, but they only wobbled even more. Wyl caught her eye and smirked.

She frowned at him, determination renewed. She suddenly jerked her blade downwards as she ducked forward, letting his blade crash down where she’d been standing moments before. She caught her balance and whirled around as Wyl stumbled forward. He turned and instantly made a thrust towards her abdomen, over-extending himself as he misjudged the distance between them.

Rana saw her chance.

A few weeks previously she’d seen Aldik, the War Lord of her country, teach Jaerek a technique that would be perfect for this moment. Father had been around during the lesson so she hadn’t gotten a chance to practice it, but it seemed easy enough – and Wyl wouldn’t know what to expect. Maybe, just maybe, she could get the upper hand and actually beat him. For once.

She rushed forward and rolled across his back before he could recover from his own attack. Rana landed on his right side and brought her sword up towards his chest, but she was a moment too slow. He saw the millisecond of unbalance just after she landed and pushed her to the ground before she could finish the attack.

She let her head fall back against the ground and huffed a sigh as she looked up the length of Wyl’s wooden sword. Defeated. Again. Wyl smirked, amused at how easily frustrated she was. He beat her every time they sparred, and yet it still seemed to come as a surprise to her.

“That’s not how it’s done.”

They all tensed as a deep voice filled the clearing. Aldik came striding forward, arms crossed, shaking his head. He was tall and well-muscled from the many hours of training he did with his troops. His skin was tanned nearly as dark as his brown hair, his piercing green eyes peering out from under bushy brows.

Wyl stepped backward hastily, sword falling to his side, eyes on the ground. Rana scrambled to her feet, trying to glare at him despite the way her heart raced at his sudden appearance. Jaerek jumped to his feet, looking between Rana and Aldik uncertainly.

None of them had the courage to answer. Aldik was swift to mete out judgment against a smart mouth, and none of them dared risk invoking his wrath – or worse, risking him telling any of their fathers. They waited in silent anticipation to see if Aldik was going to chastise them for rough housing or join in to give pointers.

The Algnesian king approved of Aldik giving his son lessons, but he thought it was poor taste to instruct Wyl. He didn’t think it was proper for a Latian prince to be educated by an Algnesian War Lord.

Rana’s father was merely an Algnesian lord, but he was the king’s head advisor, so he could usually cause trouble when he was upset. And he didn’t approve of Rana’s training. She was entirely too boyish to suit him as it was, and he did his best to discourage her strange interests.

“You need to bend your knees when you land,” Aldik said, locking his eyes on Rana. “If you stay off balance, you’re going to get pushed over – every single time.”

“Yes, sir,” she murmured, embarrassed.

Aldik turned his attention towards the boys. They both avoided his gaze, allowing Rana to be the focus of his attention for as long as he wished. Finally, Jaerek had the courage to meet his gaze, still uncertain as to whether they were in trouble or not. “What are you doing here?”

“The kings wanted a bit of grown up time and told me to go play,” Aldik answered playfully, demeanor softening. “Figured I knew just where to find the children who would play with me.”

“We’re not children, you know,” Wyl said.

Rana and Jae exchanged a glance, knowing fully well Aldik did that just to rile them.

“No? Well you’ve certainly got enough to learn before you can call yourself warriors. Your skills are disgraceful.” Aldik turned his attention on Rana. “Especially yours, young lady. We need to work on that move before you embarrass yourself anymore. Pick your sword up.”

Rana picked up her sword and began brushing herself off as Aldik walked to the sword rack and chose one of the heaviest swords. She sighed as he stepped forward and lifted the sword, watching as she reluctantly stepped forward. She hoped he didn’t plan on whacking her too many times before she could figure the move out.

She swallowed hard and lifted her own sword. They all knew exactly how this match was going to go, and she wasn’t eager to be tossed to the ground in front of her friends. Again. Aldik over-extended himself and waited for her to make her move.

Rana moved as fast as she could, rolling across his back and bringing her sword up in an attempt to smack his chest with the wooden blade. He swiftly drove her to the ground, knocking all the air from her lungs as her back struck the packed dirt. He tapped her forehead with the tip of his sword. “Bend. Your. Knees.”

Aldik pulled his sword away. Rana resentfully stood up and brushed her tunic off, then picked the sword up again. She groaned inwardly when she saw Aldik was re-set, ready to knock her over again. She stepped forward and waited for him to over-extend himself. She rolled across his back and brought her sword up, being careful to bend her knees.

She overcompensated.

She realized she was leaning too far forward, half a moment before it was too late. She couldn’t bring the sword up fast enough at the angle she landed at. Aldik grabbed her arm and pinned it straight out from her body, taking control of the sword. He yanked her arm behind her back, disarming her, then pushed her into the dust face-first.

“Better,” Aldik said. Rana rolled over and stood up, glaring at the back of his head as he strode away from her. She rubbed her chin, her tongue throbbing from her teeth sinking into it as she fell. “But still useless. No point in doing that move if you can’t get a surprise blow in… but, then, I guess I can’t expect much. You are just a girl, after all.”

Rana grabbed her sword and lunged towards him with an over-handed blow, aches forgotten as indignation rushed into her at the insult. Aldik whirled around and blocked the blow, smirking. He knew exactly how to get her riled.

He gave the swords a push, making her stumble backward. She started forward again. They fought for mere seconds before he deposited her on her back heavily. She grunted as her shoulders struck the ground, making her even more sore than she had been.

“Well? What are you waiting for?” Aldik taunted, gesturing for the boys to join in the battle. “I can take all three of you young’uns at the same time.”

Wyl lunged forward. Aldik easily blocked his blow and returned with another hard blow. Aldik whirled around just in time to block Jae’s blow, then gave him a push – creating just enough time to block Rana’s thrust before turning his attention back towards Wyl.

Aldik was careful to spar with each of them based on their ability. His blows were hard and fast with Wyl – leaving huge bruises any time his sword made contact with flesh. With Jae his blows were hard, but he didn’t strike so fast, giving him a chance to block most of the time.

With Rana, he was careful not to hit as hard as he did with the boys. He would toss her to the ground and rub her nose in the dirt, roughing her up a little bit, but he didn’t want to hurt her. Bruises rarely lasted more than a few days when Aldik inflicted them.

In a matter of moments, Aldik had them all on the ground. He turned in a slow circle, smirking at each of them smugly as he made eye contact. “Children.”

Rana pushed herself up and lunged at him. The boys quickly followed suit, leaving Aldik with the task of trying to keep up with a coordinated attack from them. This fight stretched on for a while longer than the first, intensity growing more and more with each moment that passed.

Aldik threw Jae to the ground. He whirled around just in time to catch Rana’s arm as she tried a back-handed strike at his ribs, then threw her towards the edge of the clearing. She landed heavily and skidded to a stop just in front of the weapon’s rack. She scrambled to her feet, determined.

A moment later Aldik tossed Wyl into her, sending them both tumbling to the ground in a knot of limbs and swords. Rana struggled to her feet before Wyl could and ran towards Aldik’s turned back with her sword lifted over her head.

Aldik grabbed Jae’s shoulder and pushed him backward, making him trip and fall. Aldik saw the shadow on the ground in front of him and whirled around, expecting to find Wyl. Rana leaped in the air, sword still lifted high, and brought it down on Aldik’s head as he spun around.

She was half a moment too late. Instinctively, Aldik ducked under the blow and brought his sword around to her right side. The blade landed solidly on her ribs, making a sickening thud. She grunted and fell to the ground, not even making an attempt to catch herself. She writhed in pain, clutching her throbbing side. She couldn’t breathe.

“You killed her!” Jae said, rushing forward with wide eyes.


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Mon May 14, 2018 4:12 pm
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Teddybear wrote a review...



Okay, I like it. Now I'm going to pick it apart.

First things first, I praise you for your skill in writing fight scenes. You clearly know what your characters are doing and have at least the normal human understanding of the laws of physics, so everything comes off as plausible. My only issue with it is, you don't set it us well enough. It's all well and good to kick off your story with clashing swords and battling opponents, that's good, sets the mood for some epic stuff to come, but you need to set up the stakes. The most common mistake when writing fight scenes isn't the scene itself, that could be a freaking masterpiece, but if the stakes aren't set up properly, there's no depth, no emotion. I realize that in your opening scene all that's happening is a friendly fight between friends, but there can be something at stake there too. What does your character have to lose from this fight? What do they have to gain? In this example, what's at stake could just be bragging rights or a bet made on the outcome, but there's still SOMETHING. If that isn't established, for the readers, all they're doing is reading about a couple of people bashing on each other for seemingly no reason, they don't know what the consequences will be if the protagonist loses, so they won't be interested to see if they do. I recommend using the inner monologue of your MC to establish this.

I really don't have much more to add, your characters were okay, I don't have enough information to make an accurate assessment of them, but they were set up adequately well. Your setting could use some work, but I'm not really one to judge there.

Overall, not a bad story, a few little touchups but nothing major that needs fixing right now, all things you could leave to the final editing stages, just keep this in mind while writing future scenes to lessen the load while you edit (assuming you want to revise this at all).




Shady says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it! :)



Teddybear says...


You are very welcome, this is kinda a brain break for me during school so I probably need it as much as you (my brain never really takes a break, so this is the closest thing I got)



Shady says...


Makes sense haha



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Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:37 pm
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Hattable wrote a review...



Heya, Vyper!

Saw you posting a bunch of chapters for this and thought I'd try to review it from the start since you're not super far along yet.
My reviews are typically grammar-based, but I'll try to get some content comments in at the end. Hopefully those are good.


Starting off real quick, the first couple paragraphs of this chapter feel like they've got an overabundance of the word “sword”, which is hard to avoid when everyone is using swords, but maybe you could swap a couple uses of the word with another name (weapon, blade, etc).

The hot summer sun was unmerciful as filled the small clearing, making sweat tickle Rana’s neck.

Looks like you're missing a word here. I'm guessing you meant “as it filled the small clearing”?

“No? Well you’ve certainly got enough to learn before you can call yourself warriors. Your skills are disgraceful.”

This should be “yourselves”, rather than just “yourself”, unless you didn't mean to make warriors plural and just wanted Aldik addressing Wyl.

She swallowed hard and lifted her own sword. They all knew exactly how this match was going to go, and she wasn’t eager to be tossed to the ground in front of her friends. Again. Aldik over-extended himself and waited for her to make her move.

Initially I read this as “Again, Aldik over-extended himself” before realizing the period was there. I'm not sure how proper this suggestion is, but I think the last sentence in this quotation could work as the start of the next paragraph rather than the end of this one? It feels like a slight shift in the focus on the paragraph, so I figure it'd work well with that change, but I could be wrong!

She groaned inwardly when she saw Aldik was re-set,

Wouldn't just “reset”, unhyphenated, work here?

She stepped forward and waited for him to over-extend himself. She rolled across his back and brought her sword up, being careful to bend her knees.

So how this goes is clear to me, but it could probably do with being written out? My suggestion is just to add “When he did, she rolled” in that second sentence. It's up to you, but I think it makes the scene flow more smoothly. Without that bit, it plays out a bit like she's waiting and then just rolling over his back when he's yet to over-extend?
-shrug- Clarification is always nice.

She realized she was leaning too far forward, half a moment before it was too late.

This is a bit nitpicky, but I feel like switching the sides of this comma could read nicer? Especially with the previous and following sentences both starting with “She” as well-- the constancy of sentences starting with “She” gets a little grinding.

Bruises rarely lasted more than a few days when Aldik inflicted them.

I'm taking it that this is in reference to the bruises he gives Rana, but it sounds like any bruises he gives in general, and it makes him sound soft? Which is contadictory to how he's been behaving. Maybe add “her” before bruises, to signify that the bruises she receives rarely last long, whereas the bruises on Wyl, for example, would last longer.
If that's what you're going for, at least. That's what I got from it, but I'm not sure.

The blade landed solidly on her ribs, making a sickening thud. She grunted and fell to the ground, not even making an attempt to catch herself.

I take it that they're sparring with wooden swords? Which, I supposed it would still be called a blade, but I can see some readers getting confused by this. Maybe specify “the wooden blade” here, or something, so they don't think Rana's been obliterated (since Jae's cry at the end doesn't really help, lel)

And that's all for grammar biz!

I really enjoyed this chapter. The pacing and flow were both done really nicely, and you're great at writing sparring scenes. The action is good and paced realistically. We aren't just slugging along through some sword fight.
Your characters are good, too. I like Aldik and his relationship with the kiddos, and even the little banter (if you can call it that) between the kids at the start is good. It feels like they've got a relationship already, which is difficult in the start of a story, even if they've known each other forever. It's a great start and the characters feel realistic. Real enjoyable read.
I was a bit confused by a War Lord having personally interacted with these kids, but then you mentioned that Wyl is a prince? (I think that's what it was at least) so that makes a bit more sense.


Overall, great work! I hope this review was helpful!

- Hatt




Shady says...


Thanks for the review! You caught a lot of things I missed, and I appreciate the help. I'll definitely go through and edit accordingly.

Yes, Wyl is a prince. Jae is also a prince (of the country where Aldik is the war lord). Rana's father is the head advisor of the king of that country (Jae's father), so they grew up together. Wyl is from another country but is visiting. So they're all nobles, which is why they interact with the war lord. I'll see if I can make that clearer as well, since I could see how that could be confusing.

But thanks for the review! It was definitely helpful <3



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Sun Feb 25, 2018 2:20 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, ShadowVyper. Happy Review Day! Because this chapter is so polished, I don't really have any small comments, so I'm just going to focus on more general areas and tell you what I liked and what I think could use improvement. Let's go!

Writing Style

On the whole, your writing style is great. Easy to follow, clear and polished, and I think you have some nice, succinct bits of character description in here. You handle action really well in the sense that it isn't confusing - I have a pretty good sense of where the characters are and how they're moving around each other. However, I do think your style is a little on the distant side. The difficult thing about writing action is how to make sure that it's clear without being clinical, and I think yours just edges towards the latter. I'll take an example to illustrate:

Instead, she leapt forward with a thrust towards his abdomen. He blocked easily, and returned a volley of blows. A strike towards her side, an overhanded blow, a pass towards her legs.

She blocked each blow, then made a backhanded blow towards his ribs.


Here, you're only describing what they're doing, not how it feels to do it. You have scope to talk about how exhausting or painful it is to block Wyl's blows; you could describe how she jars her wrist twisting the sword around, or how the strike to her side seems to shudder all the way through her. In general, I'd just like you to delve a lot more into Rana's physical experience of the fight. Root yourself in her perspective. Talk about the sweat sticking her shirt to her back or the dryness in her throat from panting so hard, or the hair hanging in her face that she can't even sweep away. I want more specific detail. By giving us that, we'll be able to orientate ourselves better in the story and relate more to the fight.

Character

I do have some sense of most of the characters' personalities, but nobody has really grabbed my attention. At the moment, Rana in particular feels like she's falling prey to cliché, because modern fantasy is full of tomboyish, easily-riled female protagonists who always have to prove their strength among the boys. She doesn't strike me as that unique. Of all of the cast so far, Aldik interests me the most - I like how he's quite stern and cutting while also being caring, and he seems to have a sense of humour about him as well.

Plot

Probably my main issue with this as an opening chapter is that it tells us virtually nothing about the main plot. It feels like the characters' everyday, not really a deviation from their status quo. All we learn is that the main character is a girl who likes to fight and her father doesn't really want her to. There's a brief mention of kings which captured my interest, but it still doesn't tell us much about the world or the story.

You need more mystery. The entire chapter is pretty much one long fight scene, and action isn't ever that great at holding my interest for more than a short burst. A good novel introduction typically invites the reader to ask some kind of question. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone makes us ask why Mr Dursley keeps witnessing such strange things throughout his day, then later begs the question of who the baby is and how he has come to lose his family. Northern Lights makes us wonder what will happen to Lyra if she is caught in the wardrobe, and also asks the question of why the Master of the college is trying to poison her uncle. By coaxing us to ask questions, the novel keeps us interested.

As it stands, I don't think this opening chapter makes me ask any questions. Nothing is really left unanswered, and Rana isn't caught in a conflict that could cause her serious problems or harm. The jeopardy is fairly low-level.

So, how would you fix this? One solution would be to shorten the fight scene and introduce some other kind of scene that links more clearly to whatever the main plot is. Another solution, one I'm more fond of, would be to re-frame the scene you have in a slightly different way. You mention that Rana has to train secretly to avoid the wrath of her father, right? Well, one way to make the scene more exciting would be to have that wrath feel more like an actual threat. If she sneaked out in the middle of the night to spar with Jae and Wyl, having to take care not to be discovered, the scene would have a lot more tension. Just a basic idea, obviously, but it might give you some inspiration.

However you decide to do it, I think you do need to re-approach this opening in a way that feels more purposeful. I want there to be more of a sense of cost and threat, however low level it is. I'd also cut back on the amount of fight scenes, personally, because I think they can get a bit tiresome when there's so many in quick succession. Especially when it isn't a real fight - they're just sparring with each other, so there's no real sense of danger.

I'm going to draw my review to a close here. To sum up, I think you've got a good style and a concept with a lot of potential, but it might be an idea to reconsider how to approach this opening scene. Maybe think about Rana's character, as well. I have no doubt that she can develop into a unique personality, but my first impression of her is that she does adhere to a lot of the stereotypes you see in fantasy with female protagonists. Personally, I am quite tired of fantasy novels that are set in patriarchal societies. It just seems like we never see anything else.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Shady says...


Hey, thanks so much for the review! You brought up a lot of helpful points and I%u2019ll definitely take them into consideration when I%u2019m revising. I appreciate you taking the time to really delve in and help me with characterization. ^^



Panikos says...


You're welcome! Good luck with it! :D



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Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here to provide feedback. Please note that the reason for my comments is to render assistance in improving a writer's writing ability and never to offend,. But if I do so then please accept my apologies beforehand. That having been said, here we go.

The story is interesting and promises much adventure revolving particularly around what seems to be the main character Rana. As a bilingual reader the word Rana means frog. So for me that caused a slight pondering. Conveyed a frog-like appearance actually. But that's just bilingual me.
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/the-m ... -rana.html

I love the way it ends with Rana hurt. It is a perfect incentive to read the second chapter to see what happened. I also like how you describe the movements of the fighters as they skillfully thrust and parry with the wood swords. A female MC also lends attractiveness to those of us who find such females fascinating and attractive due to their seif confidence attended by female delicacy. Mia Jovovich, Siguorney Weaver, are two examples of how popular this approach can be.

Five characters

Rana, Whyl, Jaereck, Aldik, Jae


The action was interesting as the participants displayed different abilities. However, Please note that as reader all I hear are names. I couldn't provide these names with such things as skin color, race, facial features, hair length and texture, attire, or provide them with general or immediate location. Such brief descriptions would greatly enhance the scene by making it more vivid in the reader's mind.

Also, if it was mine I would not introduce too many characters at the outset.

The reader's brain might experience imagery overload and things might start to blur. So in this case less is more. I would focus on Rana to the exclusion of all others since she has been introduced as the MC and the reader expects the story to revolve around her and all other characters are expected to be of secondary importance. At least until they can be slowly introduced in subsequent chapters.

Your depiction of the swordplay is impressive and I am sure that the story is one that will offer those who enjoy plenty of action a treat. Looking forward to reading more of your work




Shady says...


Thanks so much for the review :) That's interesting about Rana, I had no idea that it was a word in another language. I was just using it as a nickname of Darrana. Also good point about the descriptions -- I've got more physical descriptors in chapters two and three, but you're right, I do think having more in chapter one would be an improvement.

If you are curious to read more, I did just post chapter two and it could use another quality review ;) Thanks again~



Radrook says...


Just reviewed chapter two.




Is that a carrot?
— WeepingWisteria