Heyo!
Trying to get to these while they're still in the Green Room 'cause I need my KoTGR shield and whatnot. Here we go!
She gratefully walked into the room and briefly surveyed the room.
You've got a wobbly repetition of room here. Using both “gratefully” and “briefly” also feels kind of weird, and I know that she's grateful to arrive at the room so she can be alone, but her attitude towards the castle and the people within it probably wouldn't be grateful, so having her enter it gratefully feels a little bit out of character here, to me at least.
He bowed again and backed out of the room, closing the door as he went. She hesitated a moment, then walked to the bed and sat on the edge.
The previous sentence, as well as this one here, both feel quite tell-y, too. I can't really think of how you'd be able to make these sentences show instead, but yeah--
Rana started, jerking her hand to her sides, then forced her shoulders to relax.
Did you mean to make “hand” plural? Or “sides” singular.
The door swung open and a boy who looked no older than she was herself came teetering in, stumbling under the weight of her chest.
So, “no older than she was herself” sort of stumbles through a bunch of unnecessary words. You could easily leave it as “no older than herself”-- that would benefit your flow and get that concept across more concisely.
Also, I know “chest” here refers to her trunk of belongings, but it just sounds kind of weird. Maybe you could swap it out for a synonym? You don't have to, though-- it's just me. Using body part names for things like that can be weird.
Synakrein quickly strode across the room and sat on the edge of the bed on the side opposite her.
I think a comma after “bed” could make this sentence flow more smoothly. It's not necessary, though. I just felt that the sentence was going a bit fast, without punctuation, but as you can probably tell, I'm a big supporter of
Or was, she thought. Until you had to show up and ruin my perfectly good plan.
This feels telling on a whole new level, what with the character herself telling us. I understand that you've got to get across to the reader that Rana has some sort of plan (to escape, perhaps? If you mentioned such a plan in previous chapters, I've since forgotten – (at no fault of your writing)). But, oh! So having her think it so directly feels, like, “Hey! Look! Character has things!”
I'm not really sure how to articulate why I feel that having her tell us is so bad. You might be able to just stop at “Until you had to show up” and then have her, after this interaction, mourn the demise of her plan.
Synakrein moved too quickly to stop, even if she’d known what he planned to do.
“Too quickly to stop” sounds like he's moving too fast for him to stop himself, if that makes sense? Like if the Flash or Sonic lost control and just went nyoom and couldn't stop themselves. But I know that you mean he's too fast for anyone else to stop him. Maybe it could help to say “Too quickly for her to stop” or something to that effect. Though, it could end up getting rather wordy, so you'll have to be careful with that--
“Your book,” he said, holding it up. “What is it”
There's no ending punctuation! Not even an incorrect period!! Oh no, how will we know what he's saying! But nah, yeah, you missed a thing there, lel.
“Oh that, it’s just, ah…” Rana hesitated, smiling blandly.
I will say that you haven't had her do that much until just now this chapter. Though, at this point, the chapter has been less dialogue-heavy. Just noting it here in case I catch any more instances of it and need to reinstate my note of too much stuttering.
“‘Chapter Nine - The Art of Ambush and Camouflage’,” Synakrein read. Rana felt the smile melt from her face as she stared at the prince with wide eyes. He looked up to meet her gaze. “Interesting title for a romance.”
That's not how you romance.
“Did you honestly think that you’re the only one who can read Shirrian?”
I think this should be reworded to a more past tense applicable sentence. Present tense works just fine in dialogue, not matter the tense of the prose(?), but that isn't why I bring it up. It just sounds more natural to me for it to be worded like “Did you honestly think that you were the only one who could read Shirrian”.
“And I’ve got a fair bit more resources than you, as the crown prince… How did you learn, anyhow? That guard of yours teach you?”
Unless Synakrein knows that Denton is Shirrian, he should probably drop a mention like, “I know a Shirrian when I see them” (though that sounds witch-hunty) or “He's Shirrian, isn't he?” – otherwise it feels like Synakrein knows more than he should? Which could make him an interesting antagonist, but this just feels like such a stretch unless he notes that he knows Denton is Shirrian.
She didn’t expect her knowing a language would be counted as a bad thing
I think this would read more neatly with a “that” after “expect”. It gives you another word in there, but makes the sentence feel less choppy and oddly-worded.
“What’s your name?”
“Nikolas, ma’am,” the boy answered.
“I’m Rana,” she offered awkwardly. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he answered respectfully. “It’s through these doors here.”
So this is nit-picky, but I feel like Nickolas would be more taken aback by the prince's guest attempting small talk with him. I don't think it would be considered exactly “proper” for a servant to be speaking so casually with a noble (or any guest of the prince. I clarify this because I don't really know/recall if Rana is exactly a noble?)
Nickolas handles the situation pretty well, if his thoughts are like these, but it might be realistic for him to say something about her trying to talk to him. (“There's no need for that, miss. In here,” [gestures her into dinner room], though that does sound a bit rude if you think about it)
All very nit-picky, though. Just something you might consider, but I don't want to enforce these things if Synakrein is more lax with his servants (which may very well be the case. I've yet to see him interact with any).
Directly in front of her was a large wooden table filled with covered platters, with three chairs around it.
(Repetition of “large wooden” in reference to the doors, then this. Nit-pick, don't mind it too much)
“Filled with” is always a weird thing to say about tables, in my opinion. Because the table is more covered, isn't it? But the platters themselves are covered, so I can see the aversion to calling the table “covered”. This is all minor stuff, though.
What I really want to touch on is the bit after the comma. It might be the two “with”s so close to one-another. Something just feels off about it. You might consider rewording this to something along the lines of, “Directly in front of her was a large wooden table [you could always specify the wood, by the way; “large oaken table”, for example] laid out with covered platters and hosting three chairs around one end.”
I may have taken some liberties with it, but it's just an example. I had a bit of trouble with actually figuring out how to reword it once I decided to try, haha. I'm sure you could come up with something neater, though!
“Oh, yes! Your hospitality is delightful,” Father said eagerly. “You have the most beautiful country, Prince.
Sounds like Father is the one hoping to be courted, to be honest – lel
Rana toned him out as he kept talking,
“Toned” doesn't feel like the right word here. “Tuned”, maybe?
When it came to being in the presence of royalty, there was no lines he would not cross in an attempt to make them think well of him.
This should be “were no lines”.
Rana looked up and locked eyes with the prince for a moment, then looked back to her plate and continued eating in silence as Father continued shamelessly complimenting the Prince.
I notice that you flip-flop between “prince” with a lowercase P and an uppercase P. It would be best to figure out which you want to use and stick with it. Personally, I think the lowercase is more proper, as it's not his name and it's just a title. If someone were addressing him directly as “prince”, then you would capitalize it (and definitely capitalize it if you're placing it before his name). But otherwise, in the prose, it should be lowercase. It's just like how you wouldn't capitalize plumber in “The plumber” or doctor in “The doctor”. Prince is just a title that he has, and it should only be capitalized when it's placed before his name, or being used alone to address him.
“Yes, of course,” he answered after a moment. “I have quite an impressive library. Would you like to see it?”
Synakrein offered his arms to Rana. “Shall we?”
Both?
“It’s an exotic type of meat, exclusive to my courts,” Prince Synakrein answered. “Perhaps I will show you tomorrow how we obtain it.”
Rana took a step backwards, looking at him suspiciously.
“I want you to come live with me,” Synakrein said. “I’m not going to conceal that fact… but I see that isn’t a welcomed topic. Very well. I will give you some time to yourself with the books. See you at lunch.”
This is a rather abrupt end to the chapter. I feel like we should get a glimpse of Rana's reaction to this, either in between his dialogue, or as he strolls away.
Also, as my image before implied, mega Beauty and the Beast vibes from the library portion, haha.
And that's grammar done!
This was a good chapter and a nice introduction to how things will be going in the prince's palace. You've progressed the plot somewhat, and set up the meat mystery (which I cling to more than I should, probably. It's got no plot-relevance, does it?)
The characters were nature and behaved as themselves, especially with Rana trying to talk to servants and Father blabbering away to the prince. Your pacing was flow were both very nice, as well, this chapter.
I feel like this was a bit longer than usual chapters, but didn't offer as much plot progression, though. We have her arriving at her room, the prince coming to visit it, breakfast, then the library, and each of these scenes felt rather short, but all bunched together made for a longer chapter than normal? It's not a bad thing, though.
I'm beginning to ramble aimlessly so I'll close off the review here. I hope this was helpful! Keep up the good work!
- Hatt
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