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Young Writers Society



The Charm of Deception - Chapter 7

by Shady


Rana followed a young man down several long hallways and up a flight of stairs, before he finally opened a door on her right and gestured for her to enter. She gratefully walked into the room and briefly surveyed the room.

“Your items will be brought along shortly, ma’am,” the boy said, bowing respectfully.

“Thank you.”

He bowed again and backed out of the room, closing the door as he went. She hesitated a moment, then walked to the bed and sat on the edge. She buried her face in her hands and breathed deep, shuddering breaths, trying to stay calm.

Before long, there was a knock at the door. Rana started, jerking her hand to her sides, then forced her shoulders to relax. She couldn’t be so edgy. “Enter.”

The door swung open and a boy who looked no older than she was herself came teetering in, stumbling under the weight of her chest. He gently set it at the foot of her bed, then straightened his tunic and turned towards her. “The prince is ready for you to join him at dinner, ma’am.”

“Actually, I’m not feeling very well this evening,” Rana said, laying an arm across her abdomen to strengthen her lie. “Please pass along my regrets to the prince, but I think I need some time to rest after the journey.”

The boy bowed. “Miss.”

Rana wandered around the room for a while, before retiring to her bed. She wasn’t sure how to get out of her dress without an attendant, but she wasn’t about to ask for one. Instead, she settled awkwardly back onto the bed and continued reading the book from Denton.

Before long, the light streaming in from the windows faded and she was forced to light the candle sitting on the table next to the bed. She was tired but couldn’t quite bring herself to fall asleep. It was near nine o’clock when there was a sharp rap on the door.

Rana quickly shut the book and shoved it under the pillow next to her. Her heart leapt into her throat, the fear from earlier suddenly grasping her again. She looked up breathlessly as the door swung open and the prince walked in.

She started to stand, but he waved his hand, stilling her. “No. Don’t get up.”

Rana hesitated, then tensely settled back against her pillow again. Synakrein quickly strode across the room and sat on the edge of the bed on the side opposite her. “I was concerned when you didn’t join us for dinner.”

“I apologize, sire,” Rana answered tensely. “I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Yes, that’s what my palace boy said,” Synakrein answered. He was silent for a long moment, eyes fixed on Rana’s face. She focused on keeping her breathing steady, forcing herself to maintain his gaze. “Are you feeling better now?”

“A bit,” Rana answered. Or was, she thought. Until you had to show up and ruin my perfectly good plan. “Thank you, sire.”

“Please, no need for the formality,” Synakrein answered. “You may call me Esmond.”

“Of course.” She offered a weak smile.

He was silent for a moment, eyes drifting down to the bed. Suddenly his eyes snapped back to her face. “What are you reading?”

“Sire?”

Synakrein moved too quickly to stop, even if she’d known what he planned to do. His hand slipped under the pillow and emerged with her book. She looked at him for a long moment, panicked, trying to think of an excuse.

“Your book,” he said, holding it up. “What is it”

“Oh that, it’s just, ah…” Rana hesitated, smiling blandly. “A bit of romantic fiction. I’m studying the classics with my tutor.”

“Yes, you mentioned,” Synakrein said, opening the book. “And your study extends to Shirrian literature as well?”

“Ah, yes,” Rana agreed reluctantly.

“‘Chapter Nine - The Art of Ambush and Camouflage’,” Synakrein read. Rana felt the smile melt from her face as she stared at the prince with wide eyes. He looked up to meet her gaze. “Interesting title for a romance.”

Rana opened her mouth to answer, but no sound came out.

“Did you honestly think that you’re the only one who can read Shirrian?”

“I didn’t think that was part of the standard education,” Rana murmured, dropping her gaze.

“Yes, well, you somehow managed to get that extended education,” Synakrein said. “And I’ve got a fair bit more resources than you, as the crown prince… How did you learn, anyhow? That guard of yours teach you?”

She looked at him suspiciously, uncertain about how much trouble Denton might get in if she exposed their secret. She didn’t expect her knowing a language would be counted as a bad thing — she already knew Niapian and Atraian from her formal studies — but it was always hard to tell what might anger Father. She didn’t want him asking questions.

“You’ve got secrets,” Synakrein said, setting the book down on top of her covers. “Very well. You can keep them to yourself, for now… I will send an attendant to help you get changed into sleeping clothes. Goodnight, Darrana.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The morning came too soon for Rana’s liking. Her sleep was fitful and she woke early, leaving her time to watch the sun rise over the jagged city. She got dressed and began reading her book as her room filled with light.

Before long, the palace boy from the previous evening appeared. “Breakfast is ready, ma’am.”

“Thank you,” she answered, standing up.

The boy bowed. “If you would follow me, I will show you the way.”

“Of course.” Rana stood and swiftly walked across the room. She followed the boy into the hall and walked down the long corridor with him. “What’s your name?”

“Nikolas, ma’am,” the boy answered.

“I’m Rana,” she offered awkwardly. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he answered respectfully. “It’s through these doors here.”

Nikolas pushed open one of the large wooden doors just in front of them, and held it open for Rana. She walked through, hesitating just inside the room. Directly in front of her was a large wooden table filled with covered platters, with three chairs around it. Prince Synakrein sat at the head of the table to her right, Father sat opposite him on the left.

The prince stood as Rana walked in. “Good morning.”

“Prince,” she answered respectfully, offering a brief curtsy.

Her eyes flicked around the room once more. There were torches on the walls, illuminating the room, but the walls themselves were painted dark and made the area feel crowded. Rana reluctantly walked forward as the Prince walked to the seat at the middle of the table and pulled it out for her.

She sat down, allowing him to push the seat in to the table. It always felt awkward to her when men insisted on pushing her chair in, but she was beginning to learn how to be graceful in accepting it.

Prince Synakrein placed his hands on her shoulders briefly, just long enough to make her stiffen, then walked back to his chair and took a seat. With a wave of his hands he ordered his servants forward. Several rushed to the table at once and began uncovering mounds of food and placing it on the plates set before them.

“Did you sleep well?” Prince Synakrein asked as the servants stepped away from the table.

“Oh, yes! Your hospitality is delightful,” Father said eagerly. “You have the most beautiful country, Prince. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to witness a glimpse of its majesty as we made our way to your gorgeous palace.”

Rana toned him out as he kept talking, trying to flatter the Prince. It was disgusting. When it came to disciplining her, Father had no reserves. When it came to being in the presence of royalty, there was no lines he would not cross in an attempt to make them think well of him.

“Do you enjoy the architecture of my country?” Prince Synakrein questioned as Father stopped talking. Rana looked up and locked eyes with the prince for a moment, then looked back to her plate and continued eating in silence as Father continued shamelessly complimenting the Prince.

After nearly half an hour of Prince Synakrein asking questions only to have Father answer them, he began to grow weary of the exchange. “So, Darrana… tell me a bit more about yourself.”

“Mm?” Rana asked guiltily, mouth filled with food. She looked at the prince with wide eyes, then chewed once more and swallowed hard. “Yes, sire… I, ah… enjoy reading, sir.”

An uneasy silence settled in the room as his eyes remained locked on hers. She swallowed the last of her food, wondering if she’d get away with the same answer this time. Her plan was to tell the prince as little as possible about herself.

“Yes, of course,” he answered after a moment. “I have quite an impressive library. Would you like to see it?”

Rana hesitated, glancing at Father.

The glare he returned told her she had to accept the invitation. She wanted to retreat to her rooms — to spend as little time as possible in the presence of the prince. But she didn’t have much choice. “That sounds lovely, thank you.”

“Perfect!” Synakrein said, wiping his hands on his napkin before tossing it onto his plate. He stood abruptly, and Rana followed suit before he could approach her chair. Father murmured his parting remarks, then took his leave. Synakrein offered his arms to Rana. “Shall we?”

Rana smiled politely and gently placed her hands on his elbow, then followed him out of the room. He was silent for the first hallway, but then began asking Rana questions as they walked. “Did you enjoy breakfast?”

“Yes, sire. It was delicious,” Rana answered. “What was the meat?”

“It’s an exotic type of meat, exclusive to my courts,” Prince Synakrein answered. “Perhaps I will show you tomorrow how we obtain it.”

“That would be nice, thank you,” Rana said.

“What types of literature do you enjoy?” Prince Synakrein asked, changing the subject.

“I, ah… have read many of the classics.”

“Very diplomatic answer. But not what I asked. I asked what you enjoy,” he said with a smirk. Rana hesitated, then cleared her throat. “There is no ‘right’ answer, you know.”

“Well… I’m rather fond of military books… as you know,” she answered timidly. “I’m not supposed to read them, but I enjoy the strategy.”

“Of course,” Synakrein answered.

He turned loose of her hand so that he could push open a large wooden door. He stepped back and held it open for Rana.

She gasped at the size of the library that opened in front of her.

“Wow,” she murmured. She looked in wonder at the hundreds of books that surrounded her. There were several interconnected rooms, every wall lined with volumes from floor to ceiling, with even more bookshelves filling the center of the room.

“Do you like it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “This is incredible.”

“You could read any you like,” Synakrein said. “I wouldn’t require much of your time. You should certainly be able to get through quite a number of these, I would think.”

Rana took a step backwards, looking at him suspiciously.

“I want you to come live with me,” Synakrein said. “I’m not going to conceal that fact… but I see that isn’t a welcomed topic. Very well. I will give you some time to yourself with the books. See you at lunch.” 


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Thu May 10, 2018 4:44 pm
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Hattable wrote a review...



Heyo!

Trying to get to these while they're still in the Green Room 'cause I need my KoTGR shield and whatnot. Here we go!

She gratefully walked into the room and briefly surveyed the room.

You've got a wobbly repetition of room here. Using both “gratefully” and “briefly” also feels kind of weird, and I know that she's grateful to arrive at the room so she can be alone, but her attitude towards the castle and the people within it probably wouldn't be grateful, so having her enter it gratefully feels a little bit out of character here, to me at least.

He bowed again and backed out of the room, closing the door as he went. She hesitated a moment, then walked to the bed and sat on the edge.

The previous sentence, as well as this one here, both feel quite tell-y, too. I can't really think of how you'd be able to make these sentences show instead, but yeah--

Rana started, jerking her hand to her sides, then forced her shoulders to relax.

Did you mean to make “hand” plural? Or “sides” singular.

The door swung open and a boy who looked no older than she was herself came teetering in, stumbling under the weight of her chest.

So, “no older than she was herself” sort of stumbles through a bunch of unnecessary words. You could easily leave it as “no older than herself”-- that would benefit your flow and get that concept across more concisely.
Also, I know “chest” here refers to her trunk of belongings, but it just sounds kind of weird. Maybe you could swap it out for a synonym? You don't have to, though-- it's just me. Using body part names for things like that can be weird.

Synakrein quickly strode across the room and sat on the edge of the bed on the side opposite her.

I think a comma after “bed” could make this sentence flow more smoothly. It's not necessary, though. I just felt that the sentence was going a bit fast, without punctuation, but as you can probably tell, I'm a big supporter of sometimes unnecessary commas. Oops--

Or was, she thought. Until you had to show up and ruin my perfectly good plan.

This feels telling on a whole new level, what with the character herself telling us. I understand that you've got to get across to the reader that Rana has some sort of plan (to escape, perhaps? If you mentioned such a plan in previous chapters, I've since forgotten – (at no fault of your writing)). But, oh! So having her think it so directly feels, like, “Hey! Look! Character has things!”

I'm not really sure how to articulate why I feel that having her tell us is so bad. You might be able to just stop at “Until you had to show up” and then have her, after this interaction, mourn the demise of her plan.

Synakrein moved too quickly to stop, even if she’d known what he planned to do.

“Too quickly to stop” sounds like he's moving too fast for him to stop himself, if that makes sense? Like if the Flash or Sonic lost control and just went nyoom and couldn't stop themselves. But I know that you mean he's too fast for anyone else to stop him. Maybe it could help to say “Too quickly for her to stop” or something to that effect. Though, it could end up getting rather wordy, so you'll have to be careful with that--

“Your book,” he said, holding it up. “What is it”

There's no ending punctuation! Not even an incorrect period!! Oh no, how will we know what he's saying! But nah, yeah, you missed a thing there, lel.

“Oh that, it’s just, ah…” Rana hesitated, smiling blandly.

I will say that you haven't had her do that much until just now this chapter. Though, at this point, the chapter has been less dialogue-heavy. Just noting it here in case I catch any more instances of it and need to reinstate my note of too much stuttering.

“‘Chapter Nine - The Art of Ambush and Camouflage’,” Synakrein read. Rana felt the smile melt from her face as she stared at the prince with wide eyes. He looked up to meet her gaze. “Interesting title for a romance.”

That's not how you romance.

“Did you honestly think that you’re the only one who can read Shirrian?”

I think this should be reworded to a more past tense applicable sentence. Present tense works just fine in dialogue, not matter the tense of the prose(?), but that isn't why I bring it up. It just sounds more natural to me for it to be worded like “Did you honestly think that you were the only one who could read Shirrian”.

 “And I’ve got a fair bit more resources than you, as the crown prince… How did you learn, anyhow? That guard of yours teach you?”

Unless Synakrein knows that Denton is Shirrian, he should probably drop a mention like, “I know a Shirrian when I see them” (though that sounds witch-hunty) or “He's Shirrian, isn't he?” – otherwise it feels like Synakrein knows more than he should? Which could make him an interesting antagonist, but this just feels like such a stretch unless he notes that he knows Denton is Shirrian.

She didn’t expect her knowing a language would be counted as a bad thing

I think this would read more neatly with a “that” after “expect”. It gives you another word in there, but makes the sentence feel less choppy and oddly-worded.

“What’s your name?”
“Nikolas, ma’am,” the boy answered.
“I’m Rana,” she offered awkwardly. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he answered respectfully. “It’s through these doors here.”

So this is nit-picky, but I feel like Nickolas would be more taken aback by the prince's guest attempting small talk with him. I don't think it would be considered exactly “proper” for a servant to be speaking so casually with a noble (or any guest of the prince. I clarify this because I don't really know/recall if Rana is exactly a noble?)

Nickolas handles the situation pretty well, if his thoughts are like these, but it might be realistic for him to say something about her trying to talk to him. (“There's no need for that, miss. In here,” [gestures her into dinner room], though that does sound a bit rude if you think about it)

All very nit-picky, though. Just something you might consider, but I don't want to enforce these things if Synakrein is more lax with his servants (which may very well be the case. I've yet to see him interact with any).

Directly in front of her was a large wooden table filled with covered platters, with three chairs around it.

(Repetition of “large wooden” in reference to the doors, then this. Nit-pick, don't mind it too much)

“Filled with” is always a weird thing to say about tables, in my opinion. Because the table is more covered, isn't it? But the platters themselves are covered, so I can see the aversion to calling the table “covered”. This is all minor stuff, though.

What I really want to touch on is the bit after the comma. It might be the two “with”s so close to one-another. Something just feels off about it. You might consider rewording this to something along the lines of, “Directly in front of her was a large wooden table [you could always specify the wood, by the way; “large oaken table”, for example] laid out with covered platters and hosting three chairs around one end.”
I may have taken some liberties with it, but it's just an example. I had a bit of trouble with actually figuring out how to reword it once I decided to try, haha. I'm sure you could come up with something neater, though!

“Oh, yes! Your hospitality is delightful,” Father said eagerly. “You have the most beautiful country, Prince.

Sounds like Father is the one hoping to be courted, to be honest – lel

Rana toned him out as he kept talking,

“Toned” doesn't feel like the right word here. “Tuned”, maybe?

When it came to being in the presence of royalty, there was no lines he would not cross in an attempt to make them think well of him.

This should be “were no lines”.

Rana looked up and locked eyes with the prince for a moment, then looked back to her plate and continued eating in silence as Father continued shamelessly complimenting the Prince.

I notice that you flip-flop between “prince” with a lowercase P and an uppercase P. It would be best to figure out which you want to use and stick with it. Personally, I think the lowercase is more proper, as it's not his name and it's just a title. If someone were addressing him directly as “prince”, then you would capitalize it (and definitely capitalize it if you're placing it before his name). But otherwise, in the prose, it should be lowercase. It's just like how you wouldn't capitalize plumber in “The plumber” or doctor in “The doctor”. Prince is just a title that he has, and it should only be capitalized when it's placed before his name, or being used alone to address him.

“Yes, of course,” he answered after a moment. “I have quite an impressive library. Would you like to see it?”


Image

Synakrein offered his arms to Rana. “Shall we?”

Both?

“It’s an exotic type of meat, exclusive to my courts,” Prince Synakrein answered. “Perhaps I will show you tomorrow how we obtain it.”

Oh my god, is it people.

Rana took a step backwards, looking at him suspiciously.
“I want you to come live with me,” Synakrein said. “I’m not going to conceal that fact… but I see that isn’t a welcomed topic. Very well. I will give you some time to yourself with the books. See you at lunch.”

This is a rather abrupt end to the chapter. I feel like we should get a glimpse of Rana's reaction to this, either in between his dialogue, or as he strolls away.

Also, as my image before implied, mega Beauty and the Beast vibes from the library portion, haha.


And that's grammar done!


This was a good chapter and a nice introduction to how things will be going in the prince's palace. You've progressed the plot somewhat, and set up the meat mystery (which I cling to more than I should, probably. It's got no plot-relevance, does it?)

The characters were nature and behaved as themselves, especially with Rana trying to talk to servants and Father blabbering away to the prince. Your pacing was flow were both very nice, as well, this chapter.

I feel like this was a bit longer than usual chapters, but didn't offer as much plot progression, though. We have her arriving at her room, the prince coming to visit it, breakfast, then the library, and each of these scenes felt rather short, but all bunched together made for a longer chapter than normal? It's not a bad thing, though.


I'm beginning to ramble aimlessly so I'll close off the review here. I hope this was helpful! Keep up the good work!

- Hatt




Bellarke says...


That is a realllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy long review.



elysian says...


^



Shady says...


Thanks for the review! :D

As always you pointed out helpful inconsistencies and oopsies Rana makes through my mistakes haha.

I agree with the bleh of her thinking about her plan. And the grand extent of her plan was feinting illness so she didn't have to see Synakrein haha. Not super deep or important. I'll definitely edit that.

Also good point about Nikolas and Rana's interaction. I was going for his answers being short and uncomfortable (like answering her questions with the bare minimum words possible, wishing she would just shut up and stop talking to him) but I didn't convey that very well. Synakrein is definitely not lax with... well... anyone lel.

Thanks for the comment on Prince vs prince. The reason it's inconsistent is I had no idea which one was right, so I was just guessing lel. That's helpful to know. I'll try to make it more consistent when I go through to edit.

I see how it's Beauty and the Beast-ish. That's not what I was going for, but you're the second person to comment on that, and I do see how creepy rich man with a palace and young book lover girl could be like that. Alas, Synakrein has no redeeming qualities, however ;)

Your suspicion about the meat amuses me. And you can consider this me refusing to tell you about it one way or another. Keep the intrigue alive. You've gotta read on to find the truth about it ;) -- though the answer lies in one of the chapters I've posted, so the answer is within your grasp hehe.

Thanks again for the review :) I do appreciate all of it. Looking forward to seeing your reaction to other to the next few chapters especially lol.



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Thu May 10, 2018 3:08 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



Hello! So I know I haven't read any of the other chapters in this novel, but I see you have a lot of chapters in the green room and I'll try my best to review what I can! So I am sorry if I don't understand some of the things going on, just ignore me if you know I'm wrong xD

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Grammar:

Rana followed a young man down several long hallways and up a flight of stairs, before he finally opened a door on her right and gestured for her to enter.


*no comma after stairs

“The prince is ready for you to join him at dinner, ma’am.”


*for

Nikolas pushed open one of the large wooden doors just in front of them, and held it open for Rana.


*no comma after them

Rana reluctantly walked forward as the Prince walked to the seat at the middle of the table and pulled it out for her.


*in

She sat down, allowing him to push the seat in to the table.


*into

With a wave of his hands he ordered his servants forward.


*his hands, he ordered

When it came to being in the presence of royalty, there was no lines he would not cross in an attempt to make them think well of him.


*were

Rana took a step backwards, looking at him suspiciously.


*backward

Story:

Rana started, jerking her hand to her sides, then forced her shoulders to relax


started what? I don't think this is necessarily wrong, I just never have understood this type of action.

okay, so I just finished and overall, I thought this was a nice chapter. I felt Beauty and the Beast vibes from this, which is tricky. I think that the fact that she likes military books makes it more original, and I'm intrigued to see how else you make it your own.

I think this chapter ends rather abruptly, which isn't bothering me that much, but I wish you would add a little more of her taking it in at the end.

Excited to read more! I didn't have much to say because I feel like your flow is very nice and nothing really stuck out to me :-)

- Del




Shady says...


Hey, thanks for the review! I appreciate it! :D

As far as "started" I meant that sort of jumpy thing people do when they're startled. Like you tense and kind of jump, you know? But "jump" doesn't really give the right feel to it in my mind since that makes me think of you actually leaving the ground, where she's just startled lol.


I also can see how you get Beauty and the Beast vibes from this chapter. I assure you that's not what I was going for, but if this is your first introduction to the story -- creepy rich man with a palace and young girl that loves books -- I do see how that could come across. Interesting perspective.

Thanks again for the review :)



elysian says...


Now that I've read on, I see that this story is nothing like Beauty and the Beast haha, so you can just disregard that



Shady says...


Haha! :)




If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke