Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure

18+ Language

Before The Dragon - Chapter 7.1

by ShadowVyper


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Time lost all meaning. Whether it had been two hours or twenty minutes, Jerica couldn’t have guessed. It was dark now. Candles were lit all around the room – it had to have been the attendants that did it, but she hadn’t noticed. She sat next to the bed, feeling hollow and vaguely sick to her stomach.

The physicians had re-stitched her wounds that popped open during the battle and also sewed her self-inflicted gash shut. They stabilized Rek and gave him medicine to help him rest, then took their leave; she’d sent Rek’s attendants out of the room as well. And now they sat in a deafening silence.

Her mind wouldn’t link coherent thoughts together. Instead her brain jumped from being angry at the Nykerian ambush; to terrified that Rek wouldn’t ever wake up; to angry at herself for not obeying orders; to wishing she hadn’t attended the meeting in the first place to be able to screw up; to angry at Rek for taking the blade meant for her. Her mind’s eye replayed the scene over and over again, the glint of the blade – the way Rek collapsed.

She took a deep breath, rubbing her face. Now that the fear of the battle had worn off, she could finally feel all the injuries she accumulated that day. She was glad she’d been numb earlier when they needed a blood donation. Her arm hurt now. Her fingers kept trembling and her forearm twitched for no apparent reason.

Rek groaned. Jerica was on her feet in an instant, stepping closer to his side. He sighed and settled. Jerica placed her right hand on his forehead; it was burning hot. She grabbed a rag and dipped it in the basin the physicians left on Rek’s bedside table, awkwardly wringing the excess water out with her right hand.

She pressed the cool rag against his forehead. He groaned again, softer, but didn’t move. She cleaned the blood and dirt splattered across his face, bit by bit, then rubbed as much out of his hair as she could. She set the cloth down and ran her fingers through his now-damp hair, working the tangles out.

I wonder if I could find a sorcerer powerful enough to trade my life for Rek’s. She hooked a strand of hair behind his ear, caressing his cheek. She could count on one hand the number of people who cared about her, and she was about to lose one of them due to her own stupidity. She’d kill anyone who laid a finger on him; and now she was going to be the sole reason he died. She took a shuddering breath.

The physicians had cut Rek’s tunic off. He lay now on top of his blankets, abdomen wrapped in bandages, chest bare and heaving. She could hear his breathing, soft but ragged, as if he was fighting for each one. Sweat beaded on his forehead again. She grabbed the cloth and dabbed his forehead, then rested her hand on top of the cloth, hoping the coolness would soothe his rest.

The door opened.

Jerica locked eyes with Derik. She pulled the cloth away and tossed it into the basin, stepping away from the bedside. She felt cornered, even though he was still across the room. She couldn’t tear her gaze from his face. “Derik—”

“Don’t.” His voice was sharp, unkind. Justified.

Jerica took another step backward, biting her lip. Derik walked around the foot of the bed and stopped where she’d been standing moments before. He rested his hand on Rek’s forehead then sighed.

“What did the physicians say?” Derik asked, keeping his eyes on Rek.

“They gave him pain medicine and something to help him sleep.” Jerica’s mouth was dry. “Now it’s time to watch and wait.”

Derik nodded, eyes flicking across Rek. He was silent for a long moment. Jerica wished she could comfort him. The only person in the world who could love Rek more than she did was Derik. She couldn’t offer comfort for a problem she caused.

“We’re going to talk.” He finally turned towards her, eyes dark and angry. “Wait for me in your room.”

“Sir.” She walked behind the chair next to the back – keeping as much space between her and Derik as possible. She cast one final glance at Rek, then walked into the hall and closed the door behind her. Dread filled her stomach, like a sludge that coated every surface of her insides.

When Derik wanted to change the location of their “talk” it never ended well for her. Never. She hesitated as she reached the staircase. I wonder how many Nykerians I could take out by myself. They wouldn’t be expecting it. Vanir no doubt told Lord Femola that Rek got stabbed, and who knew how many soldiers died during the ambush.

She could go out of the tunnel to the side of the city wall, make a big loop, and sneak in from the back. She’d be able to take out plenty of Nykerians before they could kill her, and then she could go into the afterlife to prepare Rek a welcome fit for a king. And avoid the talk with Derik. It would be win-win.

No. Don’t be a coward. You deserve every word Derik has for you. She sighed and started up the stairs towards her room. It would be wrong to deny him whatever catharsis might come from this “talk” they were about to have. She pushed the door to her room open. Her attendants leapt to their feet. She gestured at the open door behind her. “Out. Now.”

“Ma’am!” They scurried out, shutting the door behind them.

Jerica ran her right hand through her hair, chest feeling as though she’d put on a tunic that was three sizes too small. She glanced in the mirror. She was a disaster. Her make up had smeared across her face, lipstick and eyeliner blending together on her cheek. Dried blood coated her from shoulder to forehead and matted her hair down.

Her left sleeve was hanging next to her side, from where the physicians had finished cutting it up to her shoulder to be able to re-stitch her wounds. They hadn’t bothered dressing them, not that she would have allowed it even if they’d tried. Blood was still caked on her bare left arm.

A rap on the door.

Jerica sucked in a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst as she turned towards the door. The door swung open to reveal Akeno, large binder of files in his arms. He kicked the door shut behind him.

“What are you doing here?” She glared at him. Her emotions completely reversed, from anxious and tense to grateful for the comforting presence; jumbling on top of each other and making her unsure how she felt.

“My gods, Jer, you look terrible.” Akeno tossed his files down on the foot of her bed and stepped towards her. “What happened? I heard there was an ambush.”

“Why are you here?” She pressed. “You need to go. Now.”

“I’m here to check on you,” Akeno said. “I’m worried about you.”

“Well you should be worried about Derik,” she hissed. “You need to leave before—”

She heard someone shuffling down the hall. She cursed and grabbed Akeno’s papers, shoving them into his arms as she pushed him into the anteroom to her bedroom. Akeno scurried into the anteroom, eyes wide, as the door to her bedroom flew open.

Jerica took a step towards the door, intending to meet Derik in the center of the room, but her body froze up as she locked eyes with him. His brow was knit into a single line, eyes dark and angry. He slammed the door closed behind him, sending as shiver through Jerica’s stomach.

She snapped to attention, shoulders back and eyes staring straight ahead. Derik stormed towards her, seeming angrier the closer he got. He stopped his in front of her, uncomfortably close. Fear seized in her chest. Each second that he was silent felt like a thousand years. She swallowed hard.

“What the fuck, Jerica?” He bellowed, rage finally bubbling out into words. “You know better than to act like this! I trained you better than this. Being a General doesn’t give you authority over me, and you sure as hell do not get to disobey my orders!”

She swallowed hard again.

“What were you thinking -- taking out the physician tent?” Derik continued. “How did you think that was going to end? Your reckless, fool-hardy, stupid behavior got us into that War Council, and gave them the opportunity for that ambush, and then! Did you think it was a good idea to stop obeying my orders? Have you forgotten that I’ve been leading men since before you were born and know what I am doing? You got Rek stabbed, Jerica, because you couldn’t take a simple order from me. Rek. My son!”

She focused on keeping her face impassive, gaze focused straight ahead. She couldn’t bear to meet his gaze. Her throat constricted, tears threatening to spring to her eyes. He’s right, you crybaby. Shut up. This is your fault.

“How do you expect me to defend you in the Council meeting tonight, Jerica?” He rubbed his face, taking a deep breath before he went on, forcing himself to stop shouting. His tone was still harsh. “You know I’m not going to hang you out to dry in front of Levin and Biryn, but damn you, Jerica. You had better get your act together. One more misstep this war and I swear to the gods I’ll court martial you. Haider at least knows enough to obey orders, which seems to be more than you’re capable of, and I’ll gladly hand him the title I’ll strip from you if you keep acting like this. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir!”

A tense silence filled the space between them. Jerica could barely breathe; Derik’s chest was heaving. Derik’s gaze flicked across her. Finally, his anger seemed to lessen a bit; expression softening as he looked at her.

“What happened to your tunic?”

“My stitches popped open,” Jerica answered, finally turning her head to meet his gaze. She glanced away again, keeping her forearm turned away from him so he couldn’t see the new wound on her forearm. “The physicians cut the sleeve to fix them.”

“Alright.” Derik sighed. “Get yourself put together. I won’t have my General showing up to a Council Meeting looking like this. Take care of your troops. You’re not excused from your duties tonight.”

“Yes, sir!”

Derik started towards the door. “I had Dentin put your sword in your room in the barracks.”

Her sword. Oh, thank the gods they remembered to grab that. She slumped, flopping down on the chest at the foot of her bed. It’d taken her months to convince Levin to pay for her to get a custom-built sword. The standard stock swords enlistees used were so clunky and heavy and hard to use. Hers was sleek. She’d never convince Levin to buy her a new one, especially while she was still in everyone’s disgraces.

Jerica felt like Derik’s words were daggers that stabbed holes all over her, allowing the little energy she had left to slosh out of her and form a puddle on the floor. He’d managed to take all the guilt she had and wrap it up with a heavy dollop of shame. She sighed. Akeno appeared in the doorway of her anteroom, cringing. “Yikes.” 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1462 Reviews


Points: 83707
Reviews: 1462

Donate
Tue Oct 20, 2020 4:42 am
View Likes
JabberHut wrote a review...



Mmmmmm yessssssss what a juicy dramatic segment we have here. You did a great job with the emotion here. I don't feel like any of them were out of line, so you built up said emotions rather well. Seeing Derik's interaction with Jerica was actually scary now that we've gotten to know and appreciate Derik for who he is, so I 100% sympathized with him AND Jerica at the same time. You struck that balance between these two characters so the reader's so uncomfortably sad watching them fight.

So first, I TOTALLY saw a thing and I cannot resist bringing it up, and if you're like me, you expect someone out there is going to notice and comment on it:

Instead her brain jumped from being angry at the Nykerian ambush; to terrified that Rek wouldn’t ever wake up; to angry at herself for not obeying orders; to wishing she hadn’t attended the meeting in the first place to be able to screw up; to angry at Rek for taking the blade meant for her.


Someone had fun here!

You know me, I don't do grammar reviews nowadays unless asked, but I just HAD to jump in on this fun! I love semicolons, so hopefully my knowledge of them isn't outdated already. Semicolons used in lists is often forgotten and throws people off when they're used, but I'm totally on board with doing it that way. However, I think that's normally the case if any items in said list use commas in them. Scanning that sentence, I don't see a single comma there, so I already don't think there's any reason why you shouldn't use commas instead to smooth out sentence flow.

Grammatically speaking, the commas are probably not even needed. However, this is where a writer's license would come in as I'd argue the commas could be useful to help the reader follow along.

On a smaller note, each item does not match the first item of the list. I see the first item being "being angry at the Nykerian ambush," so the second item would be "being terrified that Rek wouldn't ever wake up" and so forth. It should follow the same structure for it to make sense. The idea is that the list items can be swapped with the first item of the list and still maintain the same structure. So I'd say remove "being" entirely from the first item of the list, or add it to the other items that follow. First item sets precedence.

But it's been a while since I studied punctuation, so I could be mildly off. Food for thought, if anything. :)

OKAY BACK TO THE GOOD STUFF.

What a strong start to this chapter. It's so sad and heartbreaking to see someone like Jerica at a loss for what to do but sit in her worry and guilt. It's a stark contrast to the Jerica we know, and her feelings are felt so strongly here. It really comes through, and I just felt so sad for her.

It's unclear how long she's been there, so take this next thought lightly. Derik's entrance into the room was very cold and also felt delayed. I don't know what Derik was doing, but Jerica is still a general, so while she's not as high rank as Derik, she's high rank and has duties to perform considering the state of things outside. Derik understandably was doing his job all while his own son could be dying without his knowing. So I'm curious why does Jerica have permission to sit with Rekard right now, wallowing in guilt and fear? It's not really apparent how she got away with being here this whole time, but I'm critical of her as a duty-bound general shirking her duties after having endangered her fellow soldiers like that. It just screams irresponsible to me. XD

That aside, Derik was definitely busy, so I thought he made a good entrance. I feel like someone would have sent word about Rekard's state or an update at least since Derik is Rekard's father, so I don't think he'd ask Jerica of anything but a recent update. I thought his anger was a really interesting scenario here but completely justified, and it really shows a new side of Derik's character. Throwing a character into such a situation is such a great way to establish personality. Derik loves[i] his son and trusts the doctors and understands his duties and he [I]still makes time to visit his son when he gets the chance. And how interesting it is that he gets so caught up in his grief after a time that he eventually gets caught up in his emotions and straight-out blames her and goes off on her for it -- I mean. This is just so real.

I basically just segued into the latter scene, but gosh, you wrote this so well. It was so sad and uncomfortable watching Derik go off like he did, but he was completely justified in his emotions because it was his own son. Derik has such a strong love for his family, and now his emotions are just unleashed, and Jerica is put into her place after her recklessness.

Then on the flip side, we have Jerica who is suddenly going over her own decisions and what's happened and how she ended up where she is and she just feels awful. She got so caught up in her own emotions during the battle that she didn't think through what the consequences could be. So now she's practically agreeing with Derik simply by not arguing with him on any front because she's admitting defeat and guilt and doesn't know where to go, but it's a new low for her and she's enduring everything thrown at her for it.

It was just done so. well.

It was sweet to see Josef appear when he did, though I thought his ending really broke the tension almost inappropriately for my tastes. But I'm also a very dramatic person and would really like the reader and the character to be left lingering in these emotions. Then again, I don't know Josef all that well, so maybe he's just naturally a humorous person. Maybe he likes to lighten the mood with a good laugh. I guess I look forward to learning who he is as a person and where he really fits, why he loves Jerica so much and how their relationship was built. It'll give more meaning to his place here in this scene. :)

Overall, I thought this was a great segment again. The emotion was just so strong here. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I cannot wait to see where this takes our characters now. Well done! :D




ShadowVyper says...


You struck that balance between these two characters so the reader's so uncomfortably sad watching them fight.


Image

So first, I TOTALLY saw a thing and I cannot resist bringing it up, and if you're like me, you expect someone out there is going to notice and comment on it:


Ahaha I did expect you to comment on it ;) And I'm glad you did! I was honestly struggling with what punctuation to put there. It felt like a huge run-on sentence to just have commas between each statement -- but then felt like a really awkward, disjointed passage when I tried commas. I'm honestly absolutely terrible at rules of grammar and my older sister told me when I was a kid "If you're not sure whether to use a period or a comma, that's where you use a semi-colon because it's kind of half-way in-between" and I have no idea how sound that advice is but it's gotten me this far ;)

It was sweet to see Josef appear when he did, though I thought his ending really broke the tension almost inappropriately for my tastes. But I'm also a very dramatic person and would really like the reader and the character to be left lingering in these emotions.


Fair point! Do you think it would be stronger to bring him in at the start of the next chapter instead? I kept going back and forth on it. On the one hand I definitely wanted to leave it with Jerica just feeling /bad/ and on the other hand I was afraid people would be like but what happened to Akeno did you forget about him???

His presence in the next half of this chapter helps with the plot, and I think it's important that he over-hears Derik's chastisement so she doesn't have to re-hash what happened, but I could definitely just have him appear at the start of the next segment if you think that might be a stronger way to go about it?

Thanks so much for the review! It made me really happy to read :) I was pretty proud of this chapter so I'm glad to see it was as emotionally-impactful on readers as I hoped :)



JabberHut says...


Ahaha I did expect you to comment on it ;) And I'm glad you did! I was honestly struggling with what punctuation to put there. It felt like a huge run-on sentence to just have commas between each statement -- but then felt like a really awkward, disjointed passage when I tried commas. I'm honestly absolutely terrible at rules of grammar and my older sister told me when I was a kid "If you're not sure whether to use a period or a comma, that's where you use a semi-colon because it's kind of half-way in-between" and I have no idea how sound that advice is but it's gotten me this far ;)


LOL it was my pleasure! I love punctuation discussions. The semicolon is such an anomaly, but it does have its place. Generally, commas are your first pick. Semicolons do have other rules to consider, like when the sentence has three independent clauses, then a semicolon most likely has a designated spot there. "I love my dog, but he's a total nutcase; he bolted across the house just to bark at a fly." <== Your clue in this case is the "but" between two independent clauses, so a semicolon can be used to separate the third clause.

Her rule of thumb isn't a bad one. It can still be used to combine two independent clauses that are somewhat related, but a similar case would be using the -- dash instead. "I love my dog; he's my best friend." vs "I love my dog -- he's my best friend." Or even parentheses.

YOU GOT ME GOING AGAIN, I'M SO SORRY.

Fair point! Do you think it would be stronger to bring him in at the start of the next chapter instead? I kept going back and forth on it. On the one hand I definitely wanted to leave it with Jerica just feeling /bad/ and on the other hand I was afraid people would be like but what happened to Akeno did you forget about him???


So it's hilarious you brought this up because I knew you had him end the chapter for that very reason, and I couldn't blame you for it! You had to remember him! I think you have options here, and one way is as you said -- just have him enter later.

However, I think it might work better if you used him where he is but as a means of comfort for Jerica and, in turn, the reader. I'm at a slight disadvantage because this is only 7.1. 7.2 might actually make more sense of Josef's humor here, but as a standalone, it doesn't work for me. However, if Josef comforted her like he had done earlier, which in turn gives the reader someone to lean on as well, you might find a way to transition smoothly from the tension to Josef's conversation. I can see Jerica, when she's caught her breath and is thinking somewhat clearly again, asking him outright if there's something on his mind that brought him there in the first place. Alternatively, Josef could just use his reason as a means of taking Jerica's mind off of what had just happened.

So yeah, he doesn't have to disappear from this room. As you said, he clearly has a purpose for being there and needs to hear this conversation. So I'd just monitor your transition from that drama into Josef's purpose, make sure the mood change isn't jarring or whiplashy. :D

Thanks so much for the review! It made me really happy to read :) I was pretty proud of this chapter so I'm glad to see it was as emotionally-impactful on readers as I hoped :)


AS YOU SHOULD BE!! <3 <3 <3



User avatar
848 Reviews


Points: 56003
Reviews: 848

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 2:41 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Chapter 7 ok let's go! You better fix up Rek in this one *shakes fist in warning*

Time lost all meaning. Whether it had been two hours or twenty minutes, Jerica couldn’t have guessed. It was dark now. Candles were lit all around the room – it had to have been the attendants that did it, but she hadn’t noticed. She sat next to the bed, feeling hollow and vaguely sick to her stomach.

The physicians had re-stitched her wounds that popped open during the battle and also sewed her self-inflicted gash shut. They stabilized Rek and gave him medicine to help him rest, then took their leave; she’d sent Rek’s attendants out of the room as well. And now they sat in a deafening silence.

This really sets the tone here and much as I hate that we don't know if Rek's ok or not, I think it's very well written! I would just add 'had' to after 'time' so that it stays in the correct tense.

Instead her brain jumped from being angry at the Nykerian ambush; to terrified that Rek wouldn’t ever wake up; to angry at herself for not obeying orders; to wishing she hadn’t attended the meeting in the first place to be able to screw up; to angry at Rek for taking the blade meant for her.

Not 100% sure on this, but I don't think the semi-colons work here because each statement doesn't form a complete sentence on its own.

She cleaned the blood and dirt splattered across his face, bit by bit, then rubbed as much out of his hair as she could. She set the cloth down and ran her fingers through his now-damp hair, working the tangles out.

Why didn't the attendants do this?

I wonder if I could find a sorcerer powerful enough to trade my life for Rek’s

I think before this statement I didn't really realise how much danger Rek was in. To me, the fact they'd stabilised him kind of implies that he's out of danger for the most part?

“What did the physicians say?” Derik asked, keeping his eyes on Rek.

“They gave him pain medicine and something to help him sleep.” Jerica’s mouth was dry. “Now it’s time to watch and wait.”

Where the hell has he been?! Fighting all this time?


“How do you expect me to defend you in the Council meeting tonight, Jerica?” He rubbed his face, taking a deep breath before he went on, forcing himself to stop shouting. His tone was still harsh. “You know I’m not going to hang you out to dry in front of Levin and Biryn, but damn you, Jerica. You had better get your act together. One more misstep this war and I swear to the gods I’ll court martial you. Haider at least knows enough to obey orders, which seems to be more than you’re capable of, and I’ll gladly hand him the title I’ll strip from you if you keep acting like this. Do you understand me?”

Woaah boy.

“Yes, sir!”

The exclamation marks don't make her seem defeated enough in my opinion.


Oh poor Jer! And poor Rek! And poor Derik!
I'm feeling all of the feels and I don't like it.




ShadowVyper says...


Thank you so much for the review!

Oh poor Jer! And poor Rek! And poor Derik!
I'm feeling all of the feels and I don't like it.


Ahaha <3



User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 4512
Reviews: 38

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 2:35 pm
View Likes
ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey again! Thank you for adding me to the tag list for this story!

Her mind wouldn’t link coherent thoughts together. Instead her brain jumped from being angry at the Nykerian ambush; to terrified that Rek wouldn’t ever wake up; to angry at herself for not obeying orders; to wishing she hadn’t attended the meeting in the first place to be able to screw up; to angry at Rek for taking the blade meant for her.


I really like this wave of conflicting emotions that we see here from Jerica, which is really good for her character development. However, the word anger is said three times. It does add some emphasis as that’s the feeling she keeps returning to, but using synonyms for anger might make the flood of emotions seem a little more diverse. That’s entirely up to you!

“We’re going to talk.” He finally turned towards her, eyes dark and angry. “Wait for me in your room.”


Was it too much to hope Jerica would get off the hook? Yes, it was. Did I hope anyway? Yes, I did.

She could go out of the tunnel to the side of the city wall, make a big loop, and sneak in from the back. She’d be able to take out plenty of Nykerians before they could kill her, and then she could go into the afterlife to prepare Rek a welcome fit for a king. And avoid the talk with Derik. It would be win-win.

No. Don’t be a coward. You deserve every word Derik has for you.


This passage is a little unusual to see— going off on a Nykerian-killing massacre and not stopping until she’s dead wouldn’t be considered cowardly if it weren’t for the meeting with Derek. Well, fighting will have to wait.

One more misstep this war and I swear to the gods I’ll court martial you. Haider at least knows enough to obey orders, which seems to be more than you’re capable of, and I’ll gladly hand him the title I’ll strip from you if you keep acting like this. Do you understand me?”


...On the other hand, Jerica, maybe you should hold back on the fighting unless instructed? Because I like you and it would be a shame if you had to lose your title like that. Despite what Derik says, I don’t think someone else could do it better.

It’d taken her months to convince Levin to pay for her to get a custom-built sword. The standard stock swords enlistees used were so clunky and heavy and hard to use. Hers was sleek.


Wow, months? He’s a king, and he would have the money, so he must have been really stubborn...

Akeno appeared in the doorway of her anteroom, cringing. “Yikes.”


Yikes indeed... Since this action doesn’t actually connect to the others in the paragraph, and there’s a character coming in, I would suggest detaching this quoted part to make its own short ending paragraph.

Thank you for letting me know about this new chapter! I’ll still be following closely. Good work!

- from one Shadow to another :)




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks so much for the review!!

Despite what Derik says, I don%u2019t think someone else could do it better.


Ahah, Derik also doesn't think someone else could do better ;) He's just angry at her right now but will cool off eventually.

- from one Shadow to another :)


:) <3



ShadowQueen says...


<3 I hope you have a good day!



User avatar
173 Reviews


Points: 440
Reviews: 173

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:37 pm
View Likes
Vil wrote a review...



Wither I'm here, or this is all an illusion. Not sure which I prefer, to be honest with you, but let's just get to this, shall we?

I really like this opening paragraphs, but there are a few tiny tweaks I would have made.

Time had lost all meaning. Whether it had been two hours or twenty minutes, Jerica couldn’t have guessed. It was dark now; candles were lit all around the room – it had to have been the attendants that did it, but she hadn’t noticed. She sat next to the bed, feeling hollow and vaguely sick to her stomach.


Only two changes, really-- adding "had" after "Time," and placing a semi-colon after "now." I feel like these could just be style preferences, but I think they add judt a little bit more.

that popped

You need a "had" here.

They stabilized Rek and gave him medicine to help him rest, then took their leave

Change "and" to a comma.

There are a couple mor places where you need "had," but I'm not gonna list them all.

This was a very sad, emotionally crushing chapter, from Rek all the way to Derik's "rebuke." Jerica needs some slack right about now, not another man being POed because things didn't go is way.

I like that Akeno stayed, that he gets to see some of what she deals with. Maybe it'll stop him from doing the same to her.




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks so much for the review! I appreciate it! :D

I actually actively try to limit the number of times I use the word "had" because I feel like past-perfect tense makes things drag and I use it very sparingly. But I do agree that I definitely should have used it for my opening sentence and I appreciate you pointing it out, I'll edit :)

I like that Akeno stayed,


<3



Vil says...


Oh, okay! I get that. <3




“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw