Published March 28, 2011
The King's Death
By: Colleen Tucker
Surrounded by white walls you lay,
rain pounds on the window,
but I haven't left your side,
I'll never leave your side,
as long as your heart of gold keeps beating I'll be here,
holding your hand,
Your eyes are cold and glassy,
they say it won't be long now,
that I should just leave,
but I can't,
they say that a sixteen year old girl can't handle this,
but they're wrong,
I can handle anything for you,
Together we took on the world,
I vowed when this began that I would stand by you,
and I will keep that promise,
until your last breath escapes your lips I will be here,
even though the days have passed without mercy I have stayed,
and so have you,
you have stood your ground against your final enemy,
against death,
I've been praying for a miracle,
for you to be healed,
but it hasn't come,
The final moment has come,
with an expression of agony you open your clear blue eyes,
gazing up at me for the first time in days,
sitting up you kiss my lips softly,
saying goodbye the only way you know how,
then you drop down to th pillows,
your smile is pure and innocent,
the smile of a dying angel,
and you die with my name on your golden lips.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
The tense shift here is really disorienting, switching from past to present and back before shifting to future, especially since there is no punctuation or other form of formatting to indicate where one thought ends and a new one begins. I am also left wondering why you have a comma at the end of every line.
If it was for stylistic reasons, then I suggest incorporating stanza breaks, but if it was because you were told that lines in poems have to end in commas, then I suggest you forget that "rule" and punctuate properly (or even leave punctuation out entirely). You could also play around with the formatting more, such as breaking lines in different places other than at the ends of phrases, which can make things more interesting and even add layers of possible meanings.
As it stands, the format of the poem strikes me as needing improvement (for clarity purposes).
As for the content itself, I would've liked to have seen more creative imagery, but the basic story of the poem is pretty solid, and there are enough details given that the situation can be fairly easily inferred. Incorporating more unique elements would make this poem more memorable, though; currently, this poem isn't sticking in my mind.
Overall, it's not a bad start. The core is there; I just think it could use a bit more layers around it.
This is a nice poem. Keep up the good work. It's very descriptive and has a nice flow. I think it's kind of sad, because it deals with death and it makes me think of loved ones and standing there waiting on them to have their last breath. Cool poem!