The Game

Heya ShadowOfHades,

I like what you've got so far, but there's definitely room for development. Is this a dodgeball game, by the way? It certainly sounds like one!

Characters

It sounds like you're writing from the perspective of the team! Unfortunately, without any member singled out, the reader can't identify with any of them. You need this connection for your story to make sense. Think how boring Lord of the Rings would be if we didn't have any of the heroes.

You've got a first person plural thing going on. Perhaps you could change it to a first person narrative and give your protagonist some close friends to talk to. That way you can explain the exciting game and put a human element into the story.

Danger

Think how rubbish Lord of the Rings would be if the heroes had an easy time of it. Yes it's important to show how strong the Hawks are as a team. But it's also important to throw in that aspect of danger. If the other team aren't getting a shot in then it's not a fun game -- maybe you can consider livening it up a bit with at least some retaliation?

It might seem terrible, but maybe it's worth having some casualties on the Hawk's side too. Especially if your main character watches a friend get taken out... That could make it more exciting and it would add human conflict as well. These are both things that all good stories use. See if you can expand this and put the flesh on the bones of this story.

Little things

Lord of the Rings would have been terrible to read if it had loads of incorrect grammar / punctuation / spelling. Aim high and spellcheck your work before you post it. There are lots of sites online (including Google Docs) that you can use for free -- you don't need to buy Microsoft Word to use it!

Also pick up your nearest fiction book and take a look at what the author does with paragraphing. You'll noticed, whenever a new person speaks, the speech occurs on a new line. These are just little things that don't make a huge impact on your story, but they certainly make it easier to read.


This is a good start, and I'm sure with some more revision you'll have a decent piece on your hands. Good job, and happy editing!

This was a good story, but, just like mine, your story goes too fast. You should describe what happens before they enter the field, while in the field, and once they left the field. We don't know anything about your characters, who they are, and what they are doing. Maybe, you could include some information about these games. Why they do it, when they do it, and how they do it.
You also have some spelling mistakes.  We were shakeing in anticipation. Should be we were shaking in anticipation.
Then the signal came, a shrill whistle echoed through the silence, and we charged, screaming in mad joy. =  All was silent, save for the rapid beating of our hearts, then the signal came. A shrill whistle echoed through the silence and we charged, screaming in mad joy.
we've = we hve
Our sneakers squeaked on the linolium floor as we slid to a halt, quickly picking up the large red rubber projectiles, gazing at our enemy, and picking our targets. = Our sneakers squeaked on the linolium floor as we slid to a halt, quickly picking up the large red rubber projectiles and gazeing at our enemy, picking our targets.
"FIRE!" our captain commanded, and the air was soon full of red rubber balls, and the surprised yelps of our victims. = "FIRE!" our captain commanded and then the air was full of red rubber balls and the surprised yelps of our victims.
Just like that, it was all over. Not a single one of the enemy team had survived our intial bombardment. = Just like that, it was all over, not a single one of the enemy team survived our intial bombardment.
We cheered and hollered with the crowed, our captain louder then the rest of us = We cheered and hollard with the crowed, our captain louder then the rest of us.
Victory was ours! "HAWKS! HAWKS! HAWKS!" the crowed chanted, paying tribute to our mascot as we left the field.=  "HAWKS! HAWKS! HAWKS!" the crowed chanted, paying tribute to our mascot, as we left the field.
Our destination? = our destination?
I hope this helped.
~Lili <3

This was a good story, but, just like mine, your story goes too fast. You should describe what happens before they enter the field, while in the field, and once they left the field. We don't know anything about your characters, who they are, and what they are doing. Maybe, you could include some information about these games. Why they do it, when they do it, and how they do it.
You also have some spelling mistakes.  We were shakeing in anticipation. Should be we were shaking in anticipation.
Then the signal came, a shrill whistle echoed through the silence, and we charged, screaming in mad joy. =  All was silent, save for the rapid beating of our hearts, then the signal came. A shrill whistle echoed through the silence and we charged, screaming in mad joy.
we've = we hve
Our sneakers squeaked on the linolium floor as we slid to a halt, quickly picking up the large red rubber projectiles, gazing at our enemy, and picking our targets. = Our sneakers squeaked on the linolium floor as we slid to a halt, quickly picking up the large red rubber projectiles and gazeing at our enemy, picking our targets.
"FIRE!" our captain commanded, and the air was soon full of red rubber balls, and the surprised yelps of our victims. = "FIRE!" our captain commanded and then the air was full of red rubber balls and the surprised yelps of our victims.
Just like that, it was all over. Not a single one of the enemy team had survived our intial bombardment. = Just like that, it was all over, not a single one of the enemy team survived our intial bombardment.
We cheered and hollered with the crowed, our captain louder then the rest of us = We cheered and hollard with the crowed, our captain louder then the rest of us.
Victory was ours! "HAWKS! HAWKS! HAWKS!" the crowed chanted, paying tribute to our mascot as we left the field.=  "HAWKS! HAWKS! HAWKS!" the crowed chanted, paying tribute to our mascot, as we left the field.
Our destination? = our destination?
I hope this helped.
~Lili <3