Despite being in St. Theodor’s Asylum for only four weeks, everyone seemed to be enamored with Krystal Silver. They loved the shy, fragile girl. Her sweet, quiet disposition was calming, and she was kind to everyone. And though most people liked her, one person seemed slightly more transfixed.
Keith Campbell was a sociopath who thought he was an android. When he first came to St. Theodore’s, no one thought he was capable of a single emotion besides his smug and arrogant demeanor. When he laid eyes on Krystal for the first time, he flushed. His face showed fascination, even adoration, towards the girl. Emotions previously thought impossible for the stoic teen.
By the third day after Krystal showed up, Keith had confessed his puzzlement over his unexplained feelings. His caretaker, Sasha, had been overjoyed; promptly setting up a meeting for him and the girl. Sasha set them up in the isolation room together, and left. She checked in ten minutes later to see Keith sitting against the wall, blushing furiously, as Krystal slept on his lap.
It was a small miracle.
Krystal’s caretakers, Draco and Manson, found out the second day of Krystal’s arrival that she could not sleep alone. She would scream and cry loudly until someone came in and rocked her to sleep. After five days Krystal no longer cried at night and no one could discover why. They found out 16 days later it was because Keith would pick the lock on his door and sleep next to her.
Sasha put a doorknob that could not be opened or in any way unlocked from the inside on Keith’s door.
That night, despite their best efforts, Manson and Draco could not get Krystal to sleep. She screamed and cried bloody murder. At around one am, a splintering sound filled the air, loud enough to be heard over Krystal. Manson jumped violently and Draco stood, drawing a tranquillizer gun from his pocket. There was another splintering sound, then a crunch.
Keith appeared in the doorway, shoving both men aside, both of whom were frozen in shock. He picked up the small girl and sat on her bed, holding her close. She fell asleep almost instantly.
…. No one decided to question their sleeping arrangement from then on.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
It's a good plot line but I am kind of confused on what exactly is going on. I understand that they are in an insane asylum but why exactly are they in there? I would explore each character more and explain what they are doing and what is going on inside their minds and how much of a jumble it is. Maybe like a puzzle with some missing pieces. But it is really good and I love the concept. It just needs a few touches and it will be quite amazing! Keep on writing! Can't wait to read more.
This is an interesting idea though I must say a slightly frustrating one. I realize that the mystery of why these two are connected on a subtle level is part of the story but it makes me wonder what is going through their heads. We are given a small peek into Keith's as he questions why he feels the way that he does, but is there nothing about Krystal that makes her wonder why Keith makes her feel so at piece?
These are just the thoughts of a man that enjoyed your story and would love to see it embellished and strengthened. There is a lot within this story that you could expand on and make this into an amazing masterpiece. It just seems a little short. Almost cut and dry. Perhaps a little more into the thoughts of the caretakers would help with that.
Good story, keep at it!
Happy Writing!
Hello
This story has a lot of potential with the setting as being a mental hospital however the story doesn't quite seem to deliver. There is definitely a possibility that you can make the Krystal and Keith's bond stronger because it seemed very weak. In fact, it seemed random and unlikely that someone would simply place them in an isolated room together. [quote] She fell asleep almost instantly [quote/] this line could definitely be used to incorporate more sensory details. Instead try, "his embrace enveloped her, and in his arms she finally found peace of mind and fell into a deep slumber instantaneously." While this is a good outline, it still has a long way to go, try and feature more descriptive language which will strengthen your story to no end.
Thank you for letting me edit!
kitkat84
This seems more like an outline than an actual story. Don't get me wrong, it's a very interesting idea, and the exposition to how everything came to be is well written and engaging. But what I'd like to see is the events of the story actually happening, rather than you just telling us what happened.
I find the character of Keith Campbell quite unexplored. You refer to him as a "sociopath", but we never see him doing anything that would make him a sociopath. Thinking he's an android makes me think he has some sort of mental instability, but it doesn't make me think he's a sociopath.
I can imagine the actual conversation that formed out of this would be rather humorous, heheheh. There would definitely be some great content for a black comedy in this plot.
I'm interested in knowing why Krystal is in the asylum, she seems like a normal person, aside from not being able to sleep alone without screaming. But that's hardly a reason to put someone in an asylum. Once again, there's definitely room for expansion.
Overall, the characters and plot are interesting, but like Lissa said, this can be done much more in-depth. Keep working on it, it has potential ^^
Nice. Very interesting idea you got here. A few suggestions:
-You can build a lot more off of the characters.
-Develop Krystal and Keith's relationship more.
-Explain why the sleeping thing is so important.
At the end of the story, I was intrigued but unsatisfied. I think if you made this piece longer you could go into further depth. You kind of left me hanging-I was really into this piece, and suddenly it's over. What happened?
But nice job overall. I love this idea.
~ Lissa
Hello! Review time.
First off, a couple things: If you're suggesting Keith likes/is in love with Krystal, and is a diagnosed sociopath, that won't work. Maybe chronically depressed would be a better choice, since sociopathy is a chemical imbalance in the brain that prevents emotional reception. Depression, on the other hand, can be broken through, and a chronically depressed person can be in a mental hospital if they are an extreme danger to themselves and others. Just a note. Next, is there more to this? I like it, but not as a snipit. I need more-- why is their sleeping arrangement so significant? How does their relationship evolve? I'm interested.
I want to be shown how Krystal and the others interact, not told. This goes with the longer length the piece is begging for.
Why would Sasha keep them apart with the special handle when Krystal is so good for Keith? It would make sense that she'd fight to let him keep sleeping with her.
In the second to last paragraph, you use "both" twice. It's easier to say "the men" and then "both men."
"am" should be "AM" in the third to last paragraph.
Finally, get rid of your ellipses in the final paragraph. It's already set apart, making the reader pause. You don't need ellipses too.
Overall, I like the piece! Please make it longer.
Hey. That was well written. Thumbs up for you!
To begin, I must say that it was a very interesting story, although could get confusing at times, especially when an "android" such as Keith could have the feelings he felt, with very little to none explanation. It felt as if you'd put in at least some sort of backstory, it would've been better (not that it wasn't good already).
Some questions to think about:
Why was Krystal unable to fall asleep?
Why was Keith "emotionless?"
And you probably know that already but remember: your readers don't. Suspense is good, but leaving us confused is not that beneficial.
But overall, amazing job, and I want to see more!
Hey. That was well written. Thumbs up for you!
To begin, I must say that it was a very interesting story, although could get confusing at times, especially when an "android" such as Keith could have the feelings he felt, with very little to none explanation. It felt as if you'd put in at least some sort of backstory, it would've been better (not that it wasn't good already).
Some questions to think about:
Why was Krystal unable to fall asleep?
Why was Keith "emotionless?"
And you probably know that already but remember: your readers don't. Suspense is good, but leaving us confused is not that beneficial.
But overall, amazing job, and I want to see more!
Sorry. To clarify, that was a review for the story.
Sorry. To clarify, that was a review for the story.