Published April 21, 2011
TOC: topic79659.html
I love the sunshine
warm rays clouded out
then the extra warm ones seep through
Trees dance with the leaves
floating in the breeze
la la la deedee doo
Kelsey and I asked
Daddy to put up the tent
they're fun to play in
Wind, it blows and huffs
makes big puffs
swoot sweet swoot do deedee doo
It's a tornado we screamed!
To the tent!
The Worlds ending!
Laughter!
Laughter...
_gone forever.
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140,879 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Maybe you were going for a style, but there was really no punctuation at all apart from the exclamation marks. It seemed imbalanced, but maybe that's just me. This obviously doesn't take away from the poem itself, it's more so a personal preference of mine I suppose. ^-^ Here's how I would have written this:
In my opinion, this seemed a bit simple. But maybe that's the approach you were going for? Although, it did seem to intend to be aimed in the style of a childhood memory. Maybe that's why you added the little sound words in here. Either way, I would probably rate this at about a 7 out of 10. Seemed like it could use some building onto.
The ending was quite vague. I figured you meant the memories were there, but the moment was gone forever. It might sound a lot nicer though if you built a little more on the poem prior to its ending. If even in the slightest ways, I think it might only be of benefit.
I love it. awesome and very poetic at the same time. But not in the regular poetic way, more of in your own style. And thats exactly what I love about this series. LOL< look at me getting all critic-y.
Hehehe, you did it again. You used warm twice in the first stanza. This one is actually better than chapter 2. Hmmmm. Try putting "its a tornado" in quotes. Or comma? That is about the only two nitpicks. I love how it started light and carefree, with Kelsey, qho is/was obviously important to you, but the last line shows it is a bittersweet memory. Brilliant, dear Knight. A msterpiece.