[Removed]
Ive been tossing an idea around and this version was just a more violent take, if I decide to do this version, I will repost it here on a later date.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi there! This review is going to be short but I hope it helps you any.
This story does make the reader interested in what will happen next, but it is more profane and graphic than it needs to be, ugh. In fact, you didn't need the F-words or anything at all. Some people think they can make their works more mature with an abundance of foul language and descriptive violence and sex, but the real maturity in writing, the kind that makes a reader think and go wide eyed, comes from just good writing, not "those" things. It feels like you are trying too hard to be mature, and you don't need to be, all right?
Now, plot wise, this is interesting and it is not interesting. It is interesting in how you provoke thought on why the character is doing what he is doing, but this is sort of a double edged sword. You start out the story with no description of what the person's intentions are, so you are leading readers through the dark for a good portion of the story, which causes the reader to lose interest. At first, I thought the kid was comitting suicide (because of your author's note)...Anyway, I have another thing. Also remember not to describe things in too great detail if those things don't relate to the plot.
Character wise; I know nothing about this boy. He strikes me as cold, careless, and totally unlikable. And with his current mindset, he will never be likable. It seems that he has no room for character development. Later on in your story, be sure to make him more than just a blood thirsty killer. Make him think in terms besides blood, cursing, and killing. A reader, even a hard core one, can only take so much of that. Give him emotions; make us care for him. In order to do that you must know where you can take this character, because right now he is at the point of no return. Remember, readers don't have to like the MC, but they have to relate to him. Make us care. Do this in the chapter a little. Make him feel something besides blood thirst. Does he feel revenge? Sadness?
NITPICK
This line is incredibly offensive in context. Delete it.
OVERALL:
Well, I hope I didn't babble too much here! I'm going to give you this much; I want to know what happens next. However, you give me not one iota of emotional attachment. I don't know why the MC is doing this. You don't have to tell us every single reason, but at least give the reader hints as to what is going on. It is not fun to be lead in the dark for paragraphs at at time. This piece flowed quite nicely, and I really did like it. It's just that it is a little too much. You don't have to go all out in violence and profanity to get a story. If the words come to you naturally, fine. Just don't pepper them in. Anyway, I hope this helped you any. Best of wishes. I would like to read the next part of your story, so keep it up for me!
Esther