I was there by ShadowDweller — Poetry

Review

ToritheMonster wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2011

What is with all these one sentence reviews?!

Okay, here's my review:

I was there
When you won your first gymnastics medal
I cheered
The loudest

I was there
When you had your first heartbreak
I gave you
My shoulder to cry on (You're using the word 'I' a lot. The constant use makes this read more like a rant.)

I was there
When our parents screamed at you
I defended you
To the end of the Earth (this line is weak.)

I was there
When you graduated
Bottom of your class
I was still proud of you

I was there
When you wrecked the car
My senior year
You were drunk
I told the police it was me (this is 5 lines, and breaks with the scheme. I would get rid of the 'my senior year' line)

I was there
When you flirted with my boyfriend
Right in front of me
I did not confront you
I let you be (again, 5 lines. this is also a weak stanza. Getting rid of any one line would make it disjointed, which sort of lets you know that this needs to be strengthened)

I was there
Hidden in the trees
When you kissed my fiancé
The night before our wedding (ooooh snap)

I was alone
In my hotel room (I would combine these two lines to make it 4 lines)
Crying my eyes out
When I decided
You are no longer my sister

So, this is a good poem in my opinion. it is full of emotion,and it tells a really sad and entertaining story. However, you constant use of "I was there" does not make this stronger. On the contrary, it adds an air of repetitiveness to the whole thing. I would get rid of most if not all of those "I was there"s and do some rewording. This poem can hold just as much power without you telling us constantly that you were there. We get it.

Keep writing!

-Tori

TylynRae

Review

TylynRae wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2011

Ah, this gave me goosebumps. I'm not sure why. But it did. It's like.. the ultimate betrayal. I think you should definitely expand this, maybe try writing abotu this same subject material but in a short story maybe? It's really lovely, and I'd like to see a bit more descriptions. Really well done =]

mellophone7

Review

mellophone7 wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2011

Wow. This is really sad, but it is also extremely well-written. A person trying to be a good sister, but in the end deciding that the one she is defending doesn't deserve to be her sister, but it pains her to say that....
Anyway, I really liked this. I didn't see any mistakes grammatically, so, again, great job!