Published January 9, 2008
My heart burns with passion for a girl so beautiful and kind. Though she may not know because I keep it locked up secretly in my heart, I like her more than anyone.
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141,695 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Hayden!!! I didn't think you'd post it, but you did! I thought maybe you were--dare I say it?--lying... Whoops. Misjudgement there. Anywho's, I'd just say to elaborate. Make it longer and-as Ginger said-use more passionate words. Who IS this girl? Lol. J/k!
Hm, okay then first off, Welcome to YWS! May I point out that there is a rule for the amount of reviews that you must make for each literary post. Look at rule number 4.
Now, you haven't structured this like a poem that I recognise, so maybe you should structure it into the proper stanzas and what not. Also, you don't really seem to have much in the poem itself, it was very short and I wouldn't really say it was a Haiku. You need to add a little bit more for it to appeal greater to the reader.
Then, I think you need to use more powerfully passionate words to help the reader feel how much you like this girl; at the minute it just seems as if you're telling the reader, instead of showing them.
Good luck,
GingerLove