The old wooden bed frame creaked as a grey haired old man shifted restlessly, his chest heaving as he fought for air. Near the partly open window on the opposite edge of the room sat an old woman wearing a mask, slumped over in a chestnut rocking chair. She sat up, her grey hair disheveled and her eyes still blinking away sleep.
“Earl?” she asked, her concern made apparent in the tone of her voice. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
Earl shook his head. “Millie,” he said, every word an effort. “Get some slee-”
“Hush,” she interrupted him. “Really Earl. You know you shouldn’t try to speak. Just rest and soon you’ll be better. Then you can talk my ear off for however long this quarantine lasts.”
“My Milliebird,” he admonished quietly. “You need to sleep. You can’t help me if you get sick too.”
“Just hush,” she told him, firmer than before. “I’ll be fine! It was always like you, putting others before yourself.” She shook her head wryly. “Do you need water or food?”
Earl just shook his head. He closed his eyes and the room fell into a restless silence, with the rhythmic squeak of the afghan covered rocking chair filling the room and faint birdsong making its way through the window.
The old man stirred again after a few minutes had passed. “Millie,” he said. “Talk to me. Tell me a story, like you used to do when we were younger.”
Millie pulled a grey wool blanket over her legs. “Which one would you like?”
Earl sighed. “Tell me about when we first met.”
Millie mused for a few minutes and then began, her soft voice taking on an almost ethereal quality. It flowed though the room, almost tricking the listener into thinking they were back in 1974 when it all began.
***
“Millie!” Sally beckoned to her from the top of the hill. “Hurry up. The rest of the group’s already there.”
Millie stopped climbing and stared disgustedly at her friend. “So?”
“Well, everyone’s waiting for you. You’re so slow.”
“Sally. You dragged me out here when you knew I got four hours of sleep last night. And now you expect me to run to catch up with you guys?” Millie shook her head. “Not happening.”
Sally huffed “Fine. I’ll tell them you won’t be long.” She looked pointedly at Millie. “Right?”
Millie ignored her and kept climbing. Oh why had she agreed to go on this stupid hike. She still had a paper to write about the rise and fall of watermills in Holland, and she had foolishly promised Sally to come with her and a group of their friends. Millie wasn’t sure why most of them were even here.
She reached the top of the hill and continued on the path, her head pounding from lack of sleep and the burning sun.
“Over here!”
Millie turned and saw a group of colorfully dressed young men and women walking off. As she hurried over, she tripped on a stick lying in the grass. She went sprawling face first onto the grass, her glasses flying off her nose. Millie contemplated sitting up, but her head throbbed, and she decided to remain as she was, her face pressed against the grass. It was remarkably nice grass, long and green and soft. A crunching noise interrupted her thoughts and then a loud swear. She looked up to see a blurry young man holding something in his hand.
“What was that?”
“I’m really sorry!” the man started to apologize. “I swear it was an accident.” He offered the broken pair back to Millie. “I noticed that you fell, and I was just coming to help you up. Then I stepped on your glasses.”
“Do you know how much another pair will cost?”
“I’ll pay for them,” he promised.
Millie sighed. Now she wouldn’t even be able to look at the view, the only good thing in this stupid hike.
“You can use mine, if you want.”
The offer made Millie start. Had she said that out loud?
He held out his glasses. “Take 'em."
Millie shook her head. “No thanks.”
“Come on, it’s the least I could do to make it up to you.” He looked so genuinely sorry that Millie took pity on him and agreed. Walking over beside her, the man guided her to a bench that sat near the railing.
He placed his glasses in her hands. “Here you go.”
Millie slipped them on and looked at the beautiful view for a few seconds. Turning away, she faced the man. He was tall, with brown hair and stormy blue eyes. She offered him a smile. “I’m Millie.”
“I’m Earl,” the man replied.
Millie placed the glasses back in his hand. “The view is breathtaking,” she told him. “You need to see it.”
He put them on and turned to look at Millie. “It is,” he agreed, never taking his eyes off of her.
***
Millie finished the story, her hazel eyes sparkling even brighter then they had all those years ago. “All these years, and I’ve never thought to ask,” she said. “Was that when you fell in love with me?”
Earl smiled. “Not then, my Milliebird, but later.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,264 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello ShadeFlame,
This was a lovely story. I really enjoyed reading this. The descriptions were nice, and the language was strong. The pacing flowed nicely. The characters, although simple, were fleshed out. I really felt their love. The shift to their younger selves was nicely done, too. Their introduction to each other was sweetly awkward.
I would add deeper emotions as the reviewers said below, because their love for each other is so great.
Overall, the romance is adorable. Great job!
Hi,
Hope you are doing good. It was a really beautiful story. I really liked the amount of detail you put into the story, it was not too much and not really less. I liked how the story started with the couples being old and not starting off with their young age.
All said it seemed to me like the story ended very abruptly, I’m not sure if you are planning to continue the story. If you do i’ll be waiting for it.
Thanks for reading through and enjoy writing.
Thanks for the review! I don't think I plan to continue the story, because by the time I finished it I was already pretty sick of writing it. I sort of had plans for it to be longer but I abandoned those when I realized I didn't want ti continue it, so that might be why the end is a bit abrupt.
Love stories always have that sublime feeling, don't they?
I liked reading this story from the beginning till the end. I love the feeling of love blossoming everywhere in the story, especially in this part:
"Millie placed the glasses back in his hand. “The view is breathtaking,” she told him. “You need to see it.”
He put them on and turned to look at Millie. “It is,” he agreed, never taking his eyes off of her."
It was the best part in the story for me.
One more thing I'd like to add is since you're writing this for a quarantine love story contest, you can think about adding a bit more about the disease, how Earl is going through the symptoms of COVID-19, etc.
You have a great chance at this competition.
KEEP WRITING.
Hello there Shadeflame
It is very beautifully written. I can seriously picture all the settings. The reader can feel all that that Earl and Millie endure. But, I also think you can speed up the pace of the story and include deeper emotions so that the reader connects with the characters.
The awkwardness between the two is wonderfully depicted though! Great Job!!
Thank you for reviewing this story!
Nice job with this piece! I love the way you structure it, so it starts out with Earl possibly dying of coronavirus. That adds an urgency and importance to the story you wouldn’t have otherwise. Earl and Millie have a strong dynamic and you clearly have a good sense of their characters. I like the dialogue and rapport between them. In the present scene, you can tell that they’ve known and loved each other for a while, and in the flashback you can see the awkwardness but also the budding romance.
However, I was a little put off by the pacing of your piece. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary moments that slow down the plot. For example, in the beginning, it takes a long time for them to get to the flashback. Millie and Earl spend a lot of time talking about Earl’s illness, and it doesn’t really move the plot along. It’s already established in the first paragraph that Earl is ill and Millie is caring for him. After that, I would try and cut to the flashback as quickly as possible, to make sure the reader doesn’t lose interest.
Additionally, the flashback moves very slowly. Millie spends a long time talking with Sally and describing the details of the hike, which I don’t think are very relevant to the love story. I would suggest setting up the hike, adding a few important details, and then immediately showing Earl, to keep the plot moving along.
I was also confused by one moment after Millie has tripped. She decides to “remain as she was, her face pressed against the grass”. I know you’re trying to convey that she’s injured and doesn’t have the strength to get up, but it doesn’t seem logical to me that a person would stay face down, in the dirt, if they were at all able to move. I’ve never seen that happen. Even if a person has broken an arm, they’ll always try to roll over. It’s a small detail though, and ultimately not that important.
Overall the romance between Earl and Millie is quite sweet and intriguing. I enjoyed reading this piece.
Hi ShadeFlame ! Traves here for a quick review.
It shows the most of his character. Although he wears glasses, he breaks the nerd stereotype by being so bold.I was going "D'awww!" and legitimately smiling throughout while reading this work. This is such a sweet story! When I found out that Earl was down with the 'rona I hoped that he wouldn't die or become worse at the end, because that's just the sort of cheap trick I'd pull, but thankfully that didn't happen. It was a simple story yet innovative enough in the flashback, and the flashback didn't feel awkwards either.
I actually had to go to YWS forums and read A LOT the articles on reviewing to further be able to critique this work, since this is neither my usual genre of reading nor style of storytelling. So thanks for that!
I'll be using the Story template from Review Templates
1. Atmosphere/feeling -> so this story had a feel-good factor, and I was happy (as evidenced from the "awws" and smiling) at the two characters' nostalgia filled attempt to escape from the unpleasant present, and the absolutely top tier way in which they met. I felt a faint "this too shall pass" vibe from the couple, as they've been through a lot together, and how they bantered a bit even though he's suffering. I did feel a little bad for him, but we got a nice story out of it.
2.1. Characters — We don't get a lot of details of their characters as the length of this work is flash fiction, and I feel they are sufficient. That is based on the assumption that they and their past selves are one person, which might not be true. We do see perhaps some growth in Millie ? Her younger self was angry when she slept less and her friends dragged her along, but now she's staying up all night even when he tells her not to. As for Earl, the best part of course was this line
2.2. Plot — I read along and enjoyed because since I usually avoid reading works of this genre, even the simplest of love stories( if realistic and written well) are enjoyable reads to me. But in general, I would have liked if it had a better hook than "how did you two meet?". ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxDwieKpawg ) The ending indeed was one such possibility, say if he had asked the question "try to guess when I fell in love with you" earlier and she had narrated the incident? (This is not such a good suggestions because it messes up some other things probably). Or if there had been something hanging upon the delivery of the :how did you meet" story, maybe someone else looking to re-affirm their frayed relationship through reliving a successful relationship's early tales? Something to make me care more about the ending of the flashback and more importantly, the present time. As I said, the ending provides a strong opportunity but it's too short/too late imo.
2.3. Setting — The setting was more or less perfect. I could imagine the two, him heaving on his bed, her on the rocking chair. The wool blanket was a nice touch. It is usually a good idea to not focus on the setting too much (in terms of word count) while writing flash fiction.
3. I think the dialogue was a natural strength of this work. Flowed well, and nothing in the sentencing or dialogue threw me off and distracted me from the story. It felt natural, but not weak. Like it could happen, but it would be worth a story. Well done!
That's all. If you have any questions about the review do ask!
Keep writing and sharing!
Thanks for the review! I really didn't think this one was that good, but I'm glad you liked it.