The lad that stood in front of the court radiated strength.
What could he care, for he knew why he did what was done. If he wasn't the first to find the chest, then the king would have taken it for himself. The power that the chest held still spoke from inside of him, clawing at the edge of his soul to unleash what was give to him. What have they done for you? Why do you still think of yourself as a humble servant to those who are willing to hang you for giving the world a Gift?
Scanning the Noble Court, with its high banners of the King's Clan symbol etched in gold stitching, the convicted lad noticed how nobody was willing to stand up for him. They just sat there in the long rows of decorated benches, petrified in fear when his glance rested upon theirs. Yet, not a single soul stood up or objected the Courts; for him, it was sure doomsday. But with every passing minute, the sound of the voice grew louder and vast in his head. The sound of the judge was so weak and dull compared to the rhythmic clash of the every growing voice that was filling the inside of his head with rage.
"Daniel!"
The shock of a familiar voice awoken him form the trance that had stirred a rumble from within.
A young maiden leaped from behind the jury stand, landing on the floor in front of him. The perfect golden hair that bounced lightly with every swift movement was tied up in a elegant bun with a cherry red pin. Her feature were as fair as the day he left her, almost four years ago. His eyes couldn't leave her beautiful lips and powerful blue eyes, the same eyes that could kill him with a stare.
"I...I thought you left?" The words escaped his lips before he could stop them, escaping in one breath.
"How could I?" Her voice was ever so sweet, lighter than the world around her. "You left me, remember?"
Ouch. The day that he left, the memory, was punching him in the gut. The words she yelled, the way that she screamed when he wouldn't go, the shouts of disapproval that cut harder than any knife he felt. That was the memory that kept him up at night, that would swirl in his dreams as a reminder if what he left behind.
His mouth hung open, but no words came out. Thoughts swirled in his head, as excuses burned upon on his lips, but no words rung in the air. The guilt was the only thing that held him back from speaking. That, and four years of forgotten history between the two of them.
Yet, there was no rage in her eyes, just a look of pity. A kind of despairing glance, as if he were a poor face that ended up on her doorsteps. His face fell from happiness, to dread, as the sense that she was right in front of him wasn't to free him, but to show that he was the one that lost everything.
Let it loose. There's no holding back now.
The sounds were digging into his skull now, the hammering of its might voice clashed against any solo thoughts of his own. Pity turned to anger, then anger to hate, as if it were natural. And he knew just who to choose.
He kidded the desk in front of him, aiming it for the once love of his life. The wooden table fell on her with a clash, her mid-body disappeared under the weight that pinned her down. The crowd around him started to stir, surrounding the once alive girl. The hatred came out with every deep breath that he flew out, and with it, the sound of the voice roared throughout the court.
I'm the only ruler now. The room started to spin in circles, the focus of the area was ringed with a scarlet hue. Wind tore at the front gate, blasted the windows. Showers of glass fell onto the crowd as the wind kicked in, and the rage fell upon the group like a tornado.
The end was now, by this couldn't be the end for him. For Daniel Pirate, this was only the beginning, not the end.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Okay so while I liked this opening sentence, I thought it could flow a bit better. Maybe write it like this I just think that flows a bit better. All I did was move around a few words. Anyway, it's just a suggestion.Nit-picks
I think you should reword this sentence a bit since it's quite confusing and difficult to read.
Grammar and Punctuation
just a small typo here. "form" should be "from".
I think you meant to say "kicked" instead of "kidded".
Overall thoughts
Story plot: Okay so this was quite an interesting story plot and held my attention. My only problem is that you didn't really spend enough time on it. I know that it's a short work, so you can't spend to much time on things, but I do think that you could have gone into thing just a bit more. I think that @gracevan pretty much covered the things that I'd like to see developed a bit more.
Characters: There where only really two characters in this story. The main was Danial and this girl that was his girl friend. You conveyed their relationship really well and the transitions between Danial's different emotions felt natural. You did a good job of getting inside the character's head and giving enough time for me to get to know him.
Description: Your description was also pretty good. You had a few one liners that where really good like this one You gave me a clear picture of what was going one and you used quite a few of the five senses.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
gracevan for a review here!
First of all, let me say that this is something I definitely think you should continue. It's a great start to what could be a very interesting piece.
You've done a great job capturing the readers attention with the first few lines! well done.
However, I must say it does get a bit confusing after that. Because this is a short work, you don't want to clog up the piece with a timeline or backstory, but a little bit of premise might not be a bad idea. Maybe some extra information about the chest or why the king possessing it would be such a bad thing. What gift did the chest give him? Are the voices evil? Are they benign? And I might suggest putting those parts in italics or bold, which just makes it easier to differentiate between the parts where the voices are speaking and the actual narrative.
Other than that, I like the premise of this story, and reading it made me want to know more about Daniel's relationship with the girl! Nice work!