Crack. The rare sound was chilling in the bare room. Glass walls, glass floor, and a roof so high up you couldn’t see it. Everything was perfect for the people on the other side of the glass as they watched a baby, barely breathing lie in the corner.
Another crack and an inhuman form lay on its side breathing laboriously. Shards of papery gold littered the floor. Too hot, they sizzled on the glass then burned white till they were no more.
Then it moved.
The sickly child had not moved and neither had the other being. It was the walls. Haunting grinds of ancient machinery had caused the walls to move closer together, pushing the baby and the odd creature towards each other. The people on the other side stared and took notes as both beings seemed to resist. A hand reached towards a lever. Who's hand it was is to never be revealed for its owner disappeared after the Merging.
The walls lurched to a stop. Confusion broke out among the observers as papers and pens launched into the air as if a highly powered fan propelled them. In the middle of that chaos the walls started to move again but this time nearly twice as fast.
What the onlookers didn’t notice in the mess of paper and pens was that the baby flickered showing something silvery and furry as if in one last defense against the inhuman form nearly touching it. The single person that took note wasn’t even an Onlooker, but was the owner of the hand.
The chaos creator was ignored and forgotten when the Merging occurred. The two infants were barely touching when it started. The walls continued to move in as they Merged. The features of one seemed to sink into the other until they were overlapping because of the pressing walls. Then they weren’t overlapping, they were one.
A healthy infant lay where they had met. It cried because of the cold floor as the walls separated into to a narrow hallway. A door became visible at the end and slid upward to reveal a neatly dressed woman. She was rather thin and had dark, long, silky hair tied into a decorative bun near the top of her head. She didn’t look like she was wearing make up but clearly was. Then again maybe it was the other way around, it was impossible to tell. Pale skin made her red, button lips seem redder and eyes seem unnaturally dark making it questionable to see where the pupil started or ended. Her outfit was a smart white blouse and black slacks that looked like designer clothes on her slim body.
No smile was to be seen in her eyes or other wise. Really her expression wasn’t an expression. Two inch high heels clicked on the path to the child. As soon she picked the baby up it stopped crying and went to sleep as if under a spell. Walking back anyone who saw her eyes would have said they were more like a hypnotizing cobra’s than a human beings.
Invisible lights flickered off as the woman walked back down the hall with the dreaming child in her arms. The Onlookers had all left by the time the glass room was dark and the woman had walked back through the doors. Only one living person remained in the looking room, the chaos creator. He was there but he pulled something on a black cord out of his pocket and was gone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is an interesting start, but rather confusing. I like how you have dropped the reader into the action straight away but as I continued to read, things got a little muddled up for me.
I don't understand how the 'crack' suddenly made the inhuman form appear. What caused the cracking sound? There needs to be more information.
This bit sounded a bit odd too,
'Then it moved.
The sickly child had not moved and neither had the other being'
I see what you are trying to do but repeating the word 'moved' makes it sound a bit weird. I'd suggest just using another word.
Also, what is/ who is the chaos creator? It needs a bit of an explanation.
'She didn't look like she was wearing make up but clearly was' - this is a bit of a nonsense sentence. Maybe re-word it? Just mention her flawless skin or something like that?
I understand that this is just the prologue and you are probably planning to answer questions when the novel starts but you can't leave readers with so many unanswered questions that they just leave confused.
This is a very interesting piece, I haven't read anything along the lines as this so I'm intrigued as to what the story is going to be about.
Please let me know when you upload more
Thanks for the review. In all honesty I wrote this bit a year ago and thought I had cleaned it up but apparently not. I'll look into the sentences and add more details. Thank you for pointing everything out and showing me what I need to clear up. I'll try to tell you when I upload more.
I love the beginning, when you drop the reader into events without giving any back round information. It gives the story a life of it's own, you seem to be a gifted writer! Though it is a little short, I would consider getting a little more descriptive and making it longer. One thing I noticed is that you didn't establish much of an identity for the character. I would try to use some dialogue or something to show the characters feelings. Sometimes throughout the story your sentences seem a little repetitive as well. Otherwise, Great Writing!
~Spaulds
Well, this is a prologue before the prologue pretty much and I purposely did not add dialogue or feelings to make the reader question what was happening and where the story could be going. I'll revise the sentences and post the next bit, not really chapter one but more like the second prologue, as soon as I get enough points. Thank you so much for the review.