Yay, I walked proudley
down the empty dark alleyway
I didn't come last
I came third...last
But there was something missing
So I bought something for my victory
Sunchips and a one dollar coke
Now feeling whole, I ate the chips
now feeling half, I drank the pop
So now i feel empty
What a wierd day.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Yeah, it's weird, but I liked it for some reason. I liked the 'What a weird day.' line. I have no idea why it's so cool, but it definitely is. Great poem.
The ending...
Yeah..
What a weird day?
What a weird poem.
What was the poem about really and what was the point?
i honestly can't figure out why you opened with "yay." it's distracting.
what would be funny is if you capitalized Whole, and left half un-capped.
if you came third, you'd be one third. so buying the stuff was two thirds (one third an item), and sunchips and coke were each a negative half? explore mathematical relationships in this. what does action do? what does consumation do? is there a formula? it's like saying that active making is only a third of a whole (what consitutes a whole? explore.) whereas eating (<3) is detrimental. det. ri. men. tal.
Yay, I walked proudley
down the empty dark alleyway
I didn't come last
I came third...last
But there was something missing
So I bought something for my victory
Sunchips and a one dollar coke
Now feeling whole, I ate the chips
now feeling half, I drank the pop
So now i feel empty
What a wierd day.
tHERE YOU GO...bLOWN UP....
Okay then... Let me go through the poem for you.
Horrible beginning, it wasn't strong and proudly was spelled wrong.
It sounds better "down the dark, empty alley way. (space between alley way I believe)
I don't evn know how to fix it...The concept was good, I guess, but you need a different way to say it. Maybe "I didn't come last"
"I came in third... or last."
Now, (comma) feeling whole, I ate the chips. ( period)
Now, (capital N and a comma) feeling half, I drank the pop. (period)
Add a period to the end. The ending was horrible. How unoriginal, boring, and strange. This poem wasn't really a poem, it didn't have a point and was a hopeless rambling. Try again.
...
That's pretty wierd. But I enjoyed it. It made me laugh. But I did have to copy and paste it and blow it up to read it. If you want much more crit, you should fix that.