Published December 29, 2011
Okay, here's the latest revision of:
I spread my wings, letting the cold wind whip against my face. Refreshing to say the least, souring over the city. Stupid people, living in reality, I have never understood it. Reality just hurts. I close my eyes and take a ten second nose dive, then quickly changing courses so I don't hit the concrete.
Not that it would matter anyway, being from the underworld. I open my eyes once more; most of them are staring at me. As if saying, “What’s a lone owl doing flying around in the streets of New York?” Well, we are sent out to gather information on other dimensions and report back. You don’t have control of anything; they send you here, to ‘check up on’ this race of beings. You come back with a report on how things are going.
To my right I hear a crows caw and take off. I have never met one who didn't try to peck my eyes out. I spread my wings and dive between two buildings, taking sharp turns, left and right. New York City is a group of small alleys between skyscrapers with one park in the middle, a difficult place to fly.
In this dimension: Reality, people are dying every second, as well as knew life being born, a big circle. How can they live in such a place and never try to escape it, they must be really stupid or a lot stronger than we will ever be. I land on top of the empire state building, silently watching. Off they go, trying to get things done in time. Trying to escape failure, heartbreak, and/or disappointment.
I feel bad for these humans sometimes, if only they knew their options, which paths to take. One day they'll figure it out, I hope, we all know they aren't the brightest race to live. That's what I am here to prevent, them figuring it out. I know I'm not supposed to feel sympathy, in fact it is supposed to be impossible for my species but... Families splitting, hearts breaking, lives ending, if only they knew.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews
I have just put up the latest revision.
I think I have all the grammatical errors down, and for it being mixed up, see what you think!
Hello there! I'm Nike, well obviously by my name. xD
Reading this I thought it was choppy and mixed up. Not messed up, mixed up. I think some sentences were not needed and some were out of place. I don't know, I think it might be just me, but over read it to make sure it makes sense.
I liked this, don't get me wrong, but at the same time it wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't get the whole story really. The MC is an owl from the underworld? Isn't the underworld a bad thing? If you're implying that it's not than show it because I definitively don't see it.
Is this going to be a novel or something? Because if it is than you don't have to add anymore detail, because you'll add it later. But if it isn't, I recommend adding detail, a back story, will you?
I liked the fact that this isn't in a person point of view. It's an animal. The animal actually is like us humans but smarter. Smart move there. I like your idea of writing about another world, just make it more, um, omph.
Keep Writing!
PM me for anything!
Nike
Soaring, Bella
this is one of the sentences that I think just don't give the right meaning, cause I feel there are extra words. To me, this would hit home if you just said 'Reality hurts.' Sometimes, less is more.
Upper case letter!
At this point, you need a new paragraph.
This part confuses me. I must confess, I don't see the point in it. It's kind of just stuck in there, at a random part. Think about that.
This should be a new line.
Points to look out for-
-knew/new, their/there, etc.
I get onto you about this ALL the time. Just keep it in mind. Kay?
-Blocks of text
This was ONE big block of text. I know it sounds weird, but it turns people away when you just have one loonngg paragraph. Not only is grammar important, but when you're writing something to be seen by the public, you have to appeal to their eyes too.
-Bullet points
You had some great bullet points. Like the last line (which I LOVE by the way) But, you also overshadowed them by extra words. Do you know what I mean? You add a word because, at the time it sounds good, but when you look back, it's just extra text. Next time you're writing something, think about whether the extra word you stuck in there sounds good, or just SHOULD sound good.
Oh Bella! I really do love it! <3333
~Isis
:O I like the last one