Crazy Is crazy does - first shared work...

Hello.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

A lot of your rhymes are forced. As in, they bend the rules of grammar and comprehension for the sake of the rhyme. Rhyme should never take first priority in a poem, even if you're adhering to an established form. Meaning should take precedence over rhyme, and you've let the rhyme alter some of the meaning and feeling of your poem. My advice is to not use rhyme at all at first, and if it comes back in naturally, let it happen. No one wants to have to read forced rhyme.

I don't really understand what this poem is about. While you've let the rhyme obscure some of your meaning, the disjointedness takes care of the rest of it. I can understand that it isn't a happy poem, and that the narrator is stuck inside their head, but I don't really understand what conclusion the narrator reaches. There is the repeated mantra of "crazy is as crazy does," but that's hardly saying anything, as it's not true, and can be potentially offensive to people with mental illness. Someone who is mentally healthy might do things that seem "crazy" to other people, but it does not mean that they are mentally ill. This belittles the problems that actually mentally ill people go through. I think you should probably change that, as it doesn't add anything to the poem.

I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy YWSing.

Hi!!!!!
Nice work.
I liked the rhyming scheme that u have kept. U certainly made an effort there. But that again might be a problem.The lines ,
"But it is now a question of what doesn’t lacerate

Buffeted lies one after the other leaving a perception of exasperate

I can’t help it when all I can think of is lonely and the mind exacerbates",
is too long .You could have shortened it .

And also the line
"My supply shortens and I can no longer hide",
can be,
" My supply shortens and can no longer hide "
OR
" Supply shortens and i can no longer hide".


"For it has become a question of sanity

When the mind loses control over all vanity

The futility of rationality

Emotions take over and I am no longer vigorous

The mindset becomes rigorous

Exhaustive lists of the frivolous"

These are my favorite .Nice job on the rhyming.!!!

So , thats just my opinion .

hey mate..
after going through your poem and ignoring the little teenie weenie flaws.... all I've got to say is that..though no doubt on the whole the main idea is great and the way u have used ur expressions is really impressive but the lines lack crips tone. In between the effect which few lines might make on the reader lessens up because of the overflowing no. of words in few lines. And yes another major thing that needs to be pointed out is that... Due to the lack of use of punctuation marks.. it really becomes pretty difficult to make out the scheme and moreover it reduces the over all impact of the poem and it's zeal... these were few words of thought.. which might be helpful for u in the longer run... On the whole a good effort..

btw it was pretty funny though but i think i must share... those lines that u used " Sticks and stones may break my bones... " ... hahah dear either i am mistaken or seriously you have taken up these lines from Rihanna's song lol.. ( just an observation, no offense)

Hi, priceofwords here!

I really liked this poem, you used groups of three lines that rhymed throughout which is quite a rare pattern and used exceptionally well, so well done! As NicolMemo said, your use of language is awesome, and if this is your first poem on the site then I really look forward to what other work you will produce!

One of the only problems I have with your poem is that the line, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,' seems a bit too long. It upsets the rhythm of the poem a little which is a shame because other than that you have a really nice thing going on there.

As well as this, your title and the ongoing line you have in your piece, 'Crazy is as crazy does,' doesn't really make much sense. It may just be me, but that phrase refers to the word 'crazy' being subjective to the individual and different for everyone, but you only focus on one type of, 'crazy.' Not that drug addictions and depression fall into that category of course, but some people may think that this is the message you are putting across. If you made it a bit more clear then I'm sure there wouldn't be any mixed messages.

Other than that your poem was fantastic and I really enjoyed reading it. You told a great story, one that I'm sure many people can relate to.
Keep writing, and welcome to YWS!;)
priceofwords

Hi,
Welcome to YWS!

I love the title, but you don't need to put the words I highlighted:

Crazy Is crazy does - first shared work...

I know you're honest, but I'm being honest too. You could put them in the description, though. (I'm sorry, I don't know whether you put them already or not because I didn't check it.)

Well, regarding about these:

Crazy is as Crazy does

(Press enter+shift here) Crazy is as Crazy does

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me