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A Storm of Flames And Feathers- Chap 1 (rough draft)- Isamu's 100th fight

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Akari had always dreamed of being a swan. Swans were graceful and elegant. They had feathers made of dew that fell from the heavens, as beautiful as a dancer in land and water. They were the most prized bird among all the farmers, treated like a king. But instead of the luxurious life Akari had dreamed of, she was destined to be the lowest of the low, forced to live in her own filth for the rest of her life until the farmers decided she’d be better off in a stew.

She was a chicken. And a horrible one at that.

“La la la la la. La la la la la. La la la la…”

A young pullet banged her head against the muddied coop wall. She sang happily as she did so, unaware of the hen behind her judging her in horror. Akari swooped in, her gray feathers fluffing up like a dog’s fur as she put her neck under the pullet and pushed her away from the wall.

The little red pullet gave Akari a careless smile before heading back to the wall. That time, she correctly aimed for the door and was able to walk into the field. Akari wasn’t sure how the farmers trusted her to walk into the egg box.

“Wait!” Akari called, her voice cracking mid-squawk. She rushed out of the coop, her wings spread as if she were about to fly, before sliding onto the ground into the flooded rice field. “Do you need some help out here? You might hit something!”

The pullet had already began to peck around in a dry spot with some of the other hens, letting out a chortle when she found a deliciously fat roach. Her eyes snapped open when she saw Akari, the bottom half of the roach falling out of her beak when it dropped open. She cautiously made her way up to Akari. Her feathers were ruffled as if she was prepared to fight.

“I’m sorry,” the pullet said softly. “Do I know you?”

Are you kidding me?

Akari sighed and shook her head.

“Sorry. I must have mistaken you for someone else.”

“Wait. Another chicken looks like me?”

Of course not. It’s not like you were bred on a farm of thousands of identical hens. But hey, what do I know?

Akari had forgotten how utterly stupid most hens were. They could never fend for themselves without the help of a farmer, and whenever a kite or other bird of prey tried to kill them, their escape response may as well have been a kiss on the murderous bird’s cheek. While the stupidity of Akari’s flock frustrated her more than a constipated egg, she often found herself thankful for it. A complete group of fifty idiots even banded together wasn’t able to judge Akari for her intelligence.

“Yes. I’ve seen one or two birds that resemble you,” Akari finally spoke.

The pullet seemed shocked, but also a bit bored. By the time Akari had made her statement, the pullet had already left to her clique of identical feathered friends. Akari tucked her legs underneath herself and sat in a dry spot on the rice field. Alone.

Akari wasn’t sure whether to be sad or relieved.

The young hen had dozed off by the time she heard a fox growling and a rooster’s mighty crow. Isamu, the resident rooster, was notorious for picking fights with anything he deemed larger than him. So far, he had never hit a winning streak. He had never won at all.

“Me. Wa-chi! Chi!” the fox growled. Akari understood very little of the fox’s speech, but it sounded as if he wanted a chicken. Before he got his chicken, he would have to leave the field with wounds and spur marks from Isamu.

“You’ll never take my hens!” Isamu crowed, digging his talons into the ground as he puffed up his feathers. His long, turquoise tail shone like a ribbon draped on the ground. It was his weak point. The dog could step on it at any moment and pluck out all of Isamu’s pride and joy.

Suddenly, the dog stepped towards Isamu teeth bared, and lunged at him. Isamu let out a squawk as the dog’s pearl-white teeth wrapped around his neck, kicking at the dog’s legs with his spurs. Just at that moment, Akari had a horrible idea.

Akari ducked beneath Isamu’s body, grabbed onto the fox’s neck, and began to pull. The fox yipped, dropping Isamu from its mouth, before wrapping a paw around Akari and pushing her onto the ground.

“You,” it yipped. “How. Dare.”

“I saw an opportunity,” Akari wheezed, “and I took it.”

The fox cocked its head. Its eyes were large and dark, like the many frivolously silly hens of the flock that didn’t keep their wits about them. But the fox’s eyes were different. They were curious.

“Smart,” the fox said slowly, enunciating it. It didn’t press quite as hard on Akari’s neck but made sure his paw kept Akari captured.

“Let me go!” Akari clucked. She had let her curiosity get the best of her. She had never done that before- not even when she saw a snake in the egg box, feasting on what could have been beloved chicks.

“Perhaps,” the fox hissed. “For a price.”

Price? What price?

“Tell me what you want. I will do anything to keep my flock safe.”

Even if I want to kill each of them every day.

The fox had changed in the short time Akari had took to process her thoughts. Its mouth had curled into a devious smile, its red fur had turned golden-red, and instead of one tail, it had three. It was beautiful and vile all at once.

“You will complete three tasks,” the fox said after deciding what it would say, “and in return for my three tasks, you will gain powers to protect your flock. And I will leave your precious flock alone.”

“It seems like I’m getting more in this deal than you.”

“Would you like me to change it?”

No! No,” Akari clucked, suddenly regretting her words. “Your deal is lovely. What is the first task?”

“Simple,” the fox smiled. “Go find the fox I impersonated, and kill it.”

Akari blinked. She could do no such thing.

“Oh,” the fox smiled, “and before I go, you might need one little thing.”

It pressed harder onto Akari’s neck. Her eyes seemed to go dark.

Suddenly, when light reappeared, Akari noticed everything was… Smaller. The hens and Isamu from before looked like peas on the ground, and the rice field felt more like moss on her talons. The fox sat on her paw, barely larger than one of her toes.

“I’m huge!” Akari exclaimed, looking herself up and down. The fox smiled.

“Yes. And a huge target for the humans.” It hopped off her toe and trotted off into the field before calling one last thing.

“I would suggest running before the humans realize they’re craving a chicken feast.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Hello! So, this is a very rough draft that I’ll definitely be revisiting, but I was just quickly getting ideas onto the page. My main focus is making a stronger (not quite as fast) plot, and adding WAY more chicken jokes. So, if you have anything in mind (jokes, or just criticism in general) feel free to comment below! I hope you enjoyed this :)

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
MothNBone
Review

Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize as this might be a short one but hopefully, it will be helpful in some way. Do keep in mind that I will try not to get super nitpicky since it is a rough draft. With that being said I think that's enough of a preface. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I was unsure what this would be about because of the subject matter and I also don't read novels with animal protags often. So forgive me if I don't pick up on any well-used tropes or conventions that are employed here. The biggest thing that cought my attention was the magic and mystical elements at the end.

I wish we would have gotten more because it seems like we have some Yoki-inspired monsters going on. If I am not mistaken that fix might have been based on eastern fox spirits like the nine tails. Honestly, this makes me very intrigued because these spirits are known to be tricksters and sly creatures who change forms. I wonder how much other spirits and possible trickery will come into play.

Now with my highlights out of the way, I do want to bring up some feedback. As always I do want to remind you that I am not a professional and you by no means have to use any.

The first few lines are A good hook but I do worry that it borders on telling instead of showing. to be fair I'm also probably guilty with that stuff in my own novel's prologue. ( It's the closest thing I have to this first chapter ) However, I feel that could be fixed by maybe having a moment where the Mc admires a nearby swan and tries to copy them. After that, you could have been called a way to break up the fight at the start.

I know you acknowledged that the pacing is fast but I feel slowing it down would be helpful. It would be a good chance to hint at the supernatural as well as most of the character arcs. On top of this, it could help to fill out the world a bit more as it feels lacking a tad.

I also found one line that could be rephrased a bit to streamline things.

Suddenly, the dog stepped towards Isamu teeth bared, and lunged at him.


I would rephrase this a little bit to keep the action going at a swift pace. Perhaps something like this would work.

Suddenly, the fox lunged towards Isamu with bared teeth.


Regardless this has a lot of potential to be a book based around folklore. I hope the drafting process is an easy one. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!

User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Wed Jul 31, 2024 5:13 pm

I cannot express how awesome this story is. It is amazing. Well written and so original. I love it!

The first couple of lines got me hooked. I looooove swans. So, hearing this narrator wax on poetically about swans... only to reveal that she was actually a chicken??? I snorted. It was awesome. In my story, which has swans, they actually insult each other with chicken, so I'd like to think that these stories can co-exist in the same universe. XD

Your narrator is so wonderful. I love how she is... literally and figuratively... a mother hen character of sorts. It is perfect. I love how sarcastic and grumpy she is... like the Little Red Hen. However, when things get bad, she is going to save them all.

I am so intrigued by this fox... who is not actually a fox??? What is it? I need to know about this fox more and why this fox isn't a fox and who is really the fox. Is this some sort of fairy tale fox??? A shapeshifter? A nefarious villain? A crafty wizard? WHAT IS GOING ON!!! I am intrigued.

Also, the cliffhanger is amazing. Akari is now a giant chicken??? What a blessing... and a curse! Can't wait to see what happens. :)

Let me know when you write more! :) I'd like to read more...



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland