Published June 10, 2011
Prologue: Midnight Murder
Midnight, Aswalle City:
The skyscrapers glittered as they reflected the light coming from the cars and shops below. Three people stood on top of the skyscraper. One was shrouded by a hooded cloak. Another was leaning over the edge of the building, her long, straight hair blowing around in the breeze. The third, shorter than the others, was sitting on an air conditioning duct, waving at something indistinct in the air. On the building across, wearing all black and holding a camera, was a reporter. According to the reflective badge pinned to his chest, he was Executive Head Reporter. He had built his career on hunting and writing about urban myths. There was only one which interested him at that precise moment in time. That was the myth of the Alchemists. The Alchemists were, apparently, a group of teenagers cursed to protect the Earth until Judgment Day. They were gifted with the powers over the nine sacred elements, Fire, Water, Earth, Air, Shadow, Light, Mind, Blood and Spirit. The reporter had been given an anonymous tip that said that if he waited on the rooftop, he might finally get the big break he had been looking for.
His train of thought was interrupted when a flapping sound filled the air and a shadowy figure emerged from the clouds. The man adjusted his position and poised the camera in his hand. Out of the clouds came a dragon. The reporter nearly fell off the wall. He had never seen a real life dragon before, only phonies. There were two more people on its back. One looked like they were extremely confident, standing up in between the huge wings of the dragon. The other seemed to be holding on for dear life around the dragon’s neck. The one sitting on the air conditioner waved at the person standing up and they waved back. There were five now. The reporter closed his gaping mouth, quickly checked his notes. He frowned. There were supposed to be nine people on the skyscraper tonight, four of them were missing. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought the shadows on the roof seemed to get darker. That was when something grabbed him by the leg and he was suddenly hoisted off the ground dropping his camera, his notes and his voice recorder over the edge of the building. He swore loudly and looked in dismay as his things became tiny specks in the distance.
“Now really, is that any way to be talking in front of women?” A taunting male voice came from the darkness.
“Don’t you know it’s not the smartest idea to try and spy on us at night when one of us is the Guardian of the night?” A female voice asked from right near the reporters left ear. The reporter gasped and looked up at his foot. A coiling, pulsating mass of shadows was all that was keeping him up. He opened his mouth to yell but was caught by a jet of water which appeared from nowhere.
“That’s not the smartest idea mate.” Came a different female voice, “Shadowess, could you please lower your shadows so he has something to look at?” The female which was supposedly closest to him snarled in anger. The darkness which had surrounded the reporter lifted and four people were standing there. The girl who was closest to him seemed to be surrounded by the shadows and had her left hand in the air. The boy who was standing next to her was surrounded by a coiling mass of thick, red liquid, and he seemed to be the eldest. On the other side of him were two girls. One could not be any older than 12, she looked like she was off in her own world, and didn’t want to be there. The other girl was too far away to distinguish from his new vantage point, upside down. The girl closest to him lowered her hand and the shadows around the reporter’s foot disappeared and he dropped from the sky. He landed with a thud on his head. His legs got caught on his camera tripod and it opened up a three inch deep gash on his right calf. Blood trickled in a thin line down his forehead and his leg begun to bleed profusely. The boy took a step towards him,
“Ouch, we can’t let that blood escape can we? Here, let me help you with that.” With a wave of his hand, the reporter felt the blood lift from his face and his leg became considerably lighter. The blood began to drift toward the boy’s hand, where it joined the rest of the blood circling his head.
The reporter gasped,
“Y-you’re the Blood Alchemist!”
The boy smiled, “How long did that take ya? Now, before you black out, we’d like to ask you a few questions.”
The girl to the Blood Guardian’s right snorted, “Oh c’mon Blair, why interrogate him when we already know what he’s here for and who he works for, because we sent the tip, so can we just go? I want to beat up some bad guys.”
Blair, the Blood Alchemist, ignored the girl and turned to the reporter. The reporter was scrambling to support himself against the stone of the wall. He stared into the crimson red of his eyes. Something very hard struck the back of his head. Lights blinked before his eyes and he didn’t even feel the razor sharp metal which pierced his heart and ended his life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hey! I really like this. You already have some really good reviews here so I’ll try to keep to the point.
Along with everyone else, I love the extra elements. The usual four (earth wind fire water) are very basic and I love it when people use others like lightning or metal or love or hate as an element as well. I don’t think I’ve read anything where the author uses mind and spirit or blood, so that really grabbed my attention.
A few things I think you need to work on would be adding in emotion and really making your scenes dynamic. The whole beginning just felt too bland for how epic it really was (I mean, dragons! And being suspended in mid-air by swirling dark shadows!). You told us what was happening very matter-of-factly and the reporter had virtually no reaction whatsoever. If I was in his place, my jaw would’ve dropped at the sight of a mythical beast, and I would’ve been struggling frantically, almost whimpering at being held by my ankles hundreds of feet in the air.
Also, work on your character descriptions. It can be very difficult to tackle, and you’ve made it even more challenging by making so many characters right off the bat. Just something to consider.
Anyways, this is great! I’ll try to find some articles that would really help you with this.
It was very exciting for a prologue. Which is good. I think you should give more description. But that isn't really much of a problem. I think it is a great story. This was the most exciting prologue I've ever read.
Hello there
I'm here as requested. I'll try not to repeat too much of what's already been mentioned by previous reviewers
Before I get into the reviewing, you should try and space your paragraphs out. If you're not sure of the turnout of the piece you're about to submit, then click on the preview option.
Okay, back to work.
Okay, the part I highlighted is quite incomplete. I guess you were trying to keep me in suspense by not mentioning the gender of these people or who they were, but in this case you really have to. Who's hair was blowing in the air, a he or a she? Then as you mention these people, I would like you to elaborate more on their features and yet, not giving away too much because I kind of get what you're trying to do here.
When you say, it's a little too vague because I kind of have no visual from the little information you have of the other two people. Which is why I stress the point of elaborating on them a little bit more.
I really love this idea!
Okay, I feel that you are withholding so much information here. I mean you are trying to paint a picture of things happening, that are out of the ordinary and I don't see it. There is not much action or a reflection of the spectators reaction. Everything is just hastened and very bland...or let me say, it not very exciting basically as it should be. Add more information please
Your dialogue needs a lot of work in terms of structuring. I know it's great to have variety, but make use of 'said', as much as you can because you can never go wrong with that one.
With a lot of practice, your grammar and dialogue will improve vastly! Your writing skills show a lot of potential and I really like the concept of your story; it's quite creative and I like that. I think what I have to say is pretty much scattered around the review so I hope I could help you out.
Keep writing and good luck!
Bonjour SerenityCross! Lollipopper here to investigate.
I saw a few grammatical errors but Justtrying picked most of them up.
I actually really liked this. Like, really, honestly and truthfully. Please keep me updated? I like the whole idea of it, and the five extra elements you added. I like the fantasy/adventure/science fiction/action feel....it could fit into any of these genres.
But...just a few notes:
Sometimes you need to clarify more. I don't know how to explain it--more description? I think you need a tad bit more, although I'm always saying that. But sometimes your writing is just too general, like "he checked his watch." Add emotion! "He anxiously checked his silver watch." Just an example. Your writing tastes a little bland at times.
And what CRL said--nine characters is a lot to handle. It's either going to take extra time to write this story or you're gonna accidently drop a few characters. I am wishing you the best of luck on this! What I'd suggest is later splitting up into two or three teams when they go on adventures or whatever. Each character will through much clearer and the reader will develop an attachment to them or pick their favorite. It's always fun to do that, is it not?
Third: I don't know why they'd really hurt the reporter. Even by cutting his head or whatever. They're supposed to protect earth, right? It doesn't make sense if they'd hurt him.
And...that's it. Thanks for the story. I really enjoyed it!
--Lollipopper
Nice job with the story, and Justtrying already pointed out the grammatical errors. I definitely like how you infused some originality into a premise that always seems tired when I come across it; usually there are only the four elements or people who can control them, but the five that you added definitely gives it more appeal. Just, once you get into it a little more deeply, make sure you don't lose any of the characters. I'm sure you can do it, but nine different minds are a lot to keep track of.
Thanks so much for your help! I am working on the next xhapter as we speak, and should be up later today. I look forward to your reviews!!
This is awesome! I love the mysteriousness of it. It made me want to learn more. Like the review above me said, you need to change the beginning a little. But all in all, great job! I love it!
Hey there!
That was nice! A little mistakes here:
It should be: Midnight, Brisbane City:
The skyscrapers glittered as they reflected the light coming from the cars and shops below. Three people stood on top of the skyscraper.
This should be : Another was leaning over the edge of the building. His/her [You need to mention the gender here] straight, long hair blew around the breeze.
They were gifted with the powers of the nine sacred elements: Fire, Water, Earth, Air, Shadow, Light, Mind, Blood, and Spirit.
Since the Blood Guardian is a high post, it should be in capitals : “Y-you’re the Blood Guardian!”
Other than that, it was amazing! Well done!