(Note: I wrote this...I think a year ago, so please, remember that LOL)
Asuanna sighs, wiping her brow of sweat as she holds her hand on her hip, the method somehow a way of helping her breathe. She looks over at the human shaped target, hoping that at least one of the attacks had hit the mark on the form.
As the dust clears, the truth is revealed.
She groans in disbelief, seeing that the target is untouched, not a single dent or scratch in the plastic skin. As the ground becomes visible, her confidence diminishes even more, seeing that the closest knife to the target...is about five feet too short, and not to mention WAY off to the right side.
..Man, I wish these targets weren't as far away...This would be a lot easier...If I could actually move from this distance, I'd have this done in seconds...
Suddenly, there's a knock on the steel warehouse door, putting her on guard, holding her remaining throwing knives tight in her fists, her knuckles turning whiter by the second as she prepares to take down the questionable visitor.
"Who's out there?!" Asuanna yells.
"Asuanna, it's me, Dr. Mutosuki."
She relaxes, glad that it's only the man that brought her back from the brink of death after her first encounter with their enemy, and who was making her do this in the place, so that if she was ever without Satoro, Mutosuki's nephew, or any other person, she would be able to defend herself.
"Doctor, you scared me, I thought for a minute you were members of the Ankoku." Asuanna replies with a sigh of relief, walking towards the locked door.
She hears Mutosuki's light chuckling from the other side, relaxing her even more then before.
"Oh no, it's just me. I'm just here to check in on you is all." he replies.
She smiles at the response, reaching for the handle so to let him inside.
...Mutosuki...You are such a silly old man...
Then, as she plays his response through her head one more time, she notices something.
Mutosuki usually says 'ya'll', considering he was raised in the U.S., more distintive, some place called Texas. She's never heard him say the word 'you' before.
She stalls as a sense of foreboding comes over her, still thinking over the situation.
"Asuanna?" Mutosuki's familiar and trusting voice calls, sounding a bit worried, and dashing her suspicions a bit.
Though, she takes a deep breath, trying to regulate her breathing so that she can sound normal, not nervous.
"Mutosuki, is Satoro with you?" Asuanna asks.
"Oh no, I left him at the garage." Mutosaki answers, "Why?"
Her eyes widen, before they narrow.
Without another thought, she takes the handle, pushing it out with all her might, forcing it off the henges.
She looks out to see what she had suspected.
A group of members from the Ankoku, one wearing a head piece, probably used to translate his voice into Mutosuki's.
...A trap...
She grits her teeth, using her abnormal strength to swing the door at a few men, throwing them all off their feet, knocking them out as they make impact with the cliff side.
Turning back, she sees more men running at her, their usual shocking sticks, pistols, and swords readied to use tight in their fists.
"H-How did you know-" the man with the head piece starts, the power now dislocated, so he no longer sounds like Mutosuki.
"-The doctor goes no where without Satoro because of his condition, that, and you guys apparently have no idea what an Texian accent is. As soon as he said no, I knew you guys were trying something." Asuanna snaps.
The men grit their teeth, irritated by their mistakes, though staying stronger, closing off the escapes by huddling closer around her.
"You're still outnumbered one to thrity-five, now surrender and except that your time of death has come!" he says, taking out a katana.
"If you value your lives, you will be the ones that surrender!" Asuanna snaps.
The men with pistols answer by getting their guns ready and aimed right at her, then fire in one swoop.
Asuanna's eyes widen as some of the bullets enter her skin, hitting her in all places from the neck down. Though, she smirks, snikering as she readys her own weapons she was training with, running at the men.
...At least on the bright side I can finally train...my Guerrilla Warfare moves...
The fact that she's still moving causing some to freeze in fear.
"W-What?! She's not dead?!" one yells.
"She's inhuman, just like Master told!"
"The Ashi must be terminated!"
"Shut up!" she yells, jumping in the air.
With a flick of her wrists, the ten throwing knives cut through the air, instantly stabbing into the chests of the closest men. Landing, she dodges remaining pistol shots, standing back up as the men hit fall in their own blood. Turning, she pulls a few daggers from the pouch connected to her leg, throwing them at the six men with feet of her, stopping them in their tracks.
"Ashi, you are mine!" a man yells, looking to be the advance leader as he wears the grey Ankoku insignia on his vest.
Her eyes widen, trying to keep calm as more pistol bullets rip through her skin, the numb pain beginning to take full effect inside her reinforced body.
...No, I need to get out...Or else he'll trigger...
"DIE!" the leader yells, stabbing a dagger into her chest.
"Nu-AGH!" Asuanna croups, feeling the sharp jolt as the blade digs into her skin, almost entering her metal heart.
Blood splurts from the gash as he pulls it out, snickering as she falls to her knees, the life in her eyes flickering, making it seem like she's in her final moments.
"Ashi, you are the evil that has been predicted to end our world. In the name of our Master, the bringer of peace and prosperity, I hereby declare you executed." their leader says, the men around him cheering with excitement, thinking that their mission has been a complete success.
Suddenly, there's a electric like pulse that fills the air, taking the members by surprise.
"What?..." one trails.
"Te cretins ausus ad influat propheta a conditor..."
Their eyes widen, looking back at Asuanna.
"No way..." the leader trails, his shifty eyes wide in something like terror as he watches what he thought was a corpse beginning to rise from the pool of blood surrounding her.
Her eyes flutter, glowing white light as the injury has brought fourth her true nature.
The nature of the Earth's destroyer, the Ashi.
"...hoc stulti scelus non transire..." she trails, kunai spinning on her fingers, at least four on each of them, making about forty weapons in total.
"She truly is the monster from legend..." a member comments, shaking.
"Parare vos, pro sui dimissione..."
Some of the men crack as her eyes intensify with power, her feet rising off the ground.
"R-RUN!!!!" one screams, starting a stampede away from Asuanna, men crying in fear and disgust as they retreat.
Without mercy, Asuanna whips the blades at all angles, the kunai extending, and flying faster then sound as a sonic boom encases them, blowing men all over as they're stabbed by the possessed weapons.
Moments later, Asuanna, who was somehow uneffected by the disastrous blow, lands back on the ground, now soaked in blood.
"Hoc fortunam assignari ad vos cum placuit ad uti ratio, non reprehendo quis sed vos..." she says, looking around.
"Damn...you..."
Still glowing, her eyes shift to see the leader barely breathing, the extended kunai sticking out through his side, meaning it somehow missed the target on his body.
"Ashi...you demonic succubus...You will not prevail..." he croaks, blood spatting in his coughs as he tries to take in air.
Asuanna, still in her true form, doesn't change her expression, pulling her assassins dagger from it's sheath at her side as she walks towards him.
"Emotionless wench, you will meet your demise...by the hand of my Master, I promise...you that!-" he starts.
Asuanna cuts him off, slicing his neck clean , so swift that blood doesn't even have time to cling to her blade.
Blood spats all over her, staining her uniform, and soaking her blue hair, making it a mucky brown shade. Her expression stays motionless and unchanged, no regret or even anger reflected in her glowing eyes as she stands, turning away as she resheathes her blade.
When she comes too, she finds herself standing near the head of the cliff, even higher then she was before.
Her actions while in her true form are hazzy now, back to normal, her eyes returned to their yellowish-brown color.
She gazes off into the distance, letting her mind roam as to distract it from her tremendous pain, her skin beginning to reform itself, her bone marrow and muscle trying to dispell the lodged bullets still in her body.
"I wish...this would end." Asuanna murmurs to herself as she sits on the cliff's edge that overlooks Kyoto.
She closes her now tired eyes slowly, feeling the light from the setting sun on her bloodied face. A breeze begins to blow along the ridge, rustling through her long, layered hair and tugging at her loose shirt. She shields her eyes from the dust and dirt that's disturbed by the increasingly gusting air, not wanting to irritate them further.
Eventually it dies down and she reluctantly stands, before moving away from the cliff edge, knowing that she'll need mateniance from the real Mutosaki. She sighs, giving one final longing glance at the wide sky before continuing down the slope. As she walks, she shutters, behind her all she could see was a never-ending sea of blood, becoming a waterfall as it comes to drain at the slopes edge.
...I am the Ashi, the prophesized Child of Destruction, the Daughter of the Darkness that is told to one day engulf Earth...
She looks up at the sky, birds flying towards the fading sunlight overhead.
Finally, her expression cracks, a tear rolling down her face.
...Yes, fate has cursed me to carry out the promise of life's inaliation...But, I will not let fate...take me as it's puppet...I decide...where I will fly to...
I will fight to protect what I am meant to destroy.
That is what I see as my fate.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!!
Normally I'd complain about too much of well "..."THAT. But I just think its your style. So I'd just advise to get rid of the one in the beginning. That's all!
Hmm, is this an actual word, or just a typo? Its not on google...So yeah! Not sure on this!
Ohh, WOW. You are awesome at describing without seeming like you're shoving it in our faces! Awesome work!
OK, this is absolutely incredible! I have virtually no complaints when it comes to dramatization. NONE.
PARAGRAPHING
Now with paragraphing, its usually three to five sentences. I did notice you have a couple of spots where it's only one sentence, so I'd advise working on that a little.
No need for those three periods inbetween. I know its supposed to be like a drag or something, but it doesn't seem to go very well with the line.
Hmm, slight nitpick here...seems like to much description right now, for something that isn't really that important.
Is somebody saying this through dialogue, or is it something with your style that I don't understand?
Just a typo...snickering is the way its supposed to be.
This didn't seem to make much sense to me. Slicing his neck clean? Maybe, Slicing his neck clean off? Or just something like that....
So the basic impression I got from this, is you wrote this with something going on with your life, or something. It seemed influenced almost! Also, I absolutely adore your writing style. It flows and you manage to insert description all throughout without me ever feeling like you're just trying to get it all out on paper, and not really caring what the scene looks like.
OK, I think I'm done! Thanks for posting this! You've got some serious talent as a writer!
Lol another who staggered into the older part of my writing. This is a few years old, so it's kinda in bad shape. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, even through my horrible grammar XD
If you enjoyed this, then I think you'd like my other storyline LAPIS, particularly chapter 6. Since it is review day, I say go just for the reason to get more points. Lol
Here's a link! -> LAPIS :Chapter 6:
oohh, THANKS!! I'll look at it!
Hello! I'm here to do a review pour vous! I'll just be writing my advice as I read.
Overall I liked the story!
"...glad that it's only the man that brought her back from the brink of death after her first encounter with their enemy,..."
-This is just my opinion but I think it would be better if you didn't just automatically tell who he is. Reveal his background a little more through conversation and such or just spread it out a little more.
"Her eyes widen, before they narrow."
-This is fine but might sound better as, "Her eyes widen, then narrow."
-Also, I know this is just your style, but all the spaces between lines make it look a lot longer than it actually is which can be bad if someone doesn't feel like reading a really long thing, but that's no big deal. Just a thought.
'"H-How did you know-" the man with the head piece starts, the power now dislocated, so he no longer sounds like Mutosuki.'
"'-The doctor goes no where without Satoro because of his condition, that, and you guys apparently have no idea what an Texian accent is. As soon as he said no, I knew you guys were trying something." Asuanna snaps.'"
-The reader already knows why she suspected them, so it doesn't really need to be explained again. You can include he piece of info on his condition with the part where she's asking if Satoro is with him. If I were the bad guy in this case, I would already assume that my cover had been blown because of some mistake in the disguise and wouldn't really be worried about asking.
Anyway those are just my thoughts and you are free to ignore them
Oh hey Morgan XD
Yeah, I wrote this over a year ago so I know it's pretty bad XDD
Thanks for the input love!
Hi SereneSimpliciT,Dark here to give review!
The story looks quite good with the unpretentious style of writing but is able to attract the attention of the reader.The story also full with mysterious and enjoyed reading every piece of it.
# ...A trap...-->Such as heart attack.I love this part!
She grits her teeth, using her abnormal strength to swing the door at a few men, throwing them all off their feet, knocking them out as they make impact with the cliff side.
Turning back, she sees more men running at her, their usual shocking sticks, pistols, and swords readied to use tight in their fists.
"H-How did you know-" the man with the head piece starts, the power now dislocated, so he no longer sounds like Mutosuki.-->The descriptions gives me a very breathtaking impression now.
Some part need improvement,but I still admire your story!Keep it up
kudos,dark
Thanks so much ^^

Yeah, this is an older piece of mine, I'm glad you liked it. I really need to rephrase it
Thanks so much!
~Maddie
I don't even let my older work reach anywhere where it can be seen xD
nice work Morgan XDDD
nice work Morgan XDDD
ED here to review. Well... sort of. Since you mentioned that you wrote this a year ago, I didn't think I would try to be too serious here... heh heh heh.
First of all, this isn't as bad as you think. In fact, you could probably salvage it into something really cool. (I mean, what's not to like about a kunai weiling, metal hearted succubus? Oh wait...)
Here's some of the major things I noticed:
1. The tone doesn't match. You started out with a rather light, almost humorous tone with her target training and what not, and then things quickly move to a melodramatic bloodbath. Which uh... well, it's sort of odd, to say the least.
2. More backgroung should be given (probably) about what the Ashi are and WHY these dudes are out for her blood... handled cleverly, of course.
3. There's a lot of fighitng, but no real conflict. Story is about conflict. Therefore she needs a goal, and the antagonist needs that same goal. Was the Texas Chainsaw Master (heh) the antagonist here? If so give them BOTH something to fight for.
4. You need more description. I think, anyway. I have no clue what sort of world this takes place in.
5. The inner monologue ending is pretty over the top, but you probably already knew that.
6. This could use a good spell check. I caught "henges" instead of "hinges" once, plus a myriad of other things.
7. How does one say "ya'll" in a foreign, fantasy, Japanese based language?
But hey, other than that, if you gave this a different approach and execution, it could actually turn out really good. I liked it. It made me smile, probably not your intention at the time of writing it but... it still shows promise, if you want to spend some more time on it.
Hope that helped.
~ED
Ah, the last thing I forgot to add was to cut out those caps. xD
Thank you for the review, I understand
I hope you'll at some of my other works that are more up to date LOL
~Maddie
You should send me some links to what you want reviewed. I'd be willing to do a few. (I actually have a review thread around here somewhere too... but no one seems to use that. heh.)
I left a link on your wall ^^
Knight Dragon, here to bestow a Review Day review upon your work!
I am reading this with the understanding you wish me to, but I will still review it properly.
Technical first:
"She relaxes, glad that it's only the man that brought her back from the brink of death after her first encounter with their enemy, and who was making her do this in the place, so that if she was ever without Satoro, Mutosuki's nephew, or any other person, she would be able to defend herself."
Wow. That's one really long sentence. Maybe break it up into two or three sentences. Also, "and who was making her do this in the place", I think you meant "in the FIRST place." Maybe that just didn't make it into the post and it's actually there.
"I'm just here to check in on you is all" could be better written "I'm just here to check in on you. That's all."
""-The doctor goes no where without Satoro because of his condition, that, and you guys apparently have no idea what an Texian accent is." Delete the hyphen, and change the comma before "that" to a period. Also, Texian should be Texan.
"...now surrender and except that your time of death has come!" Um, yeah, let's change "and expect that your time of death has come" to two sentences, written "...now surrender. Your time has come!" or "Prepare to die!" or something like that. It just feels scripted the way it is now.
"Landing, she dodges remaining pistol shots,...", add a "the" in front of "remaining". It helps the reading flow better.
"Asuanna croups", the "croups" is obsolete and archaic. I wouldn't have known what it means if I hadn't looked it up. I would suggest replacing it.
"Her actions while in her true form are hazzy now", you added an extra Z.
" As she walks, she shutters, behind her all she could see was a never-ending sea of blood, becoming a waterfall as it comes to drain at the slopes edge." This sentence reads awkwardly. I'd suggest rewording it. Maybe break it into two sentences and go from there.
Content:
This felt like a manga in prose form. It really did. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's how it struck me. And the prophecy thing reminded me of The Scrapped Princess plot.
But it did make me curious to read more.
Hope this helps!
Yeah, I agree with everything you wrote LOL
If you actually look on my page, you'll see that I am in fact a manga artist XD
At the time I wrote this, I still hadn't grasped...grammar...or storytelling XD
Thank you so much!
~Maddie