Published December 23, 2007
Sparrow
**
Many wander the path,
You think you tread alone.
Don’t conceal this wrath-
Don’t stumble on this stone.
*
Many drift, many are lost-
The sea of life pulls them every
which-way- driven, and tossed-
Perhaps, in you, there is safety?
*
The key to your cage, darling bird,
Is dangling ‘round your neck.
Such a fine chain- Absurd!
How can a touch of silver hold you back?
*
The winds hear you, little one-
They beckon you to the sky!
Feel the warmth of the sun-
Now open your wings and fly.
**
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Sparrow
Not cuz of the rhyming, tho 
)
**
Many wander the path,
You think you tread alone.
Don’t conceal this wrath-
Don’t stumble on this stone.
*
Many drift, many are lost-
The sea of life pulls them every
which-way- driven, and tossed-
Perhaps, in you, there is safety? - Haha. But no- safety and every do not not rhyme. Not in favor of this stanza
*
The key to your cage, darling bird,
Is dangling ‘round your neck.
Such a fine chain- Absurd!
How can a touch of silver hold you back? - Yeah!! Lol. I just felt like agreeing with you.
*
The winds hear you, little one-
They beckon you to the sky!
Feel the warmth of the sun-
Now open your wings and fly. YAY!!!
I liked this poem a lot! It's uplifting and cheerful. Some of it is offbeat, although, so I would suggest reading it aloud.
KEEP WRITING!
Wow, I really like this! I think your rhyming works really well, I especially love the last two stanzas. It has a great feeling and message to it.
The only thing I would do is add either a 'but' or a 'yet' at the beginning of the second line of the first stanza:
Really, really, good job on this one!
so late to critique your poems I am... but my response is the same, so far. excellent poetry Seraph! I didn't find any grammer mistakes, but I do agree with Cade. You do not need to put those asterisks between stanzas.
hope to see more!
I think everyone esle gave you some worthy critizism!
I think it was really good and you had some really great imagery.
Question; Stanza One : Exactly what does wrath have to do with a path?
The rest i think was extremely good.
Thanks Koko. I'll see what I can do
Some rhymes are hard to pull off because of accents, which people usually don't consider. It also depends on the readers own preferences.
My assumptions are that Cade preferes perfect rhymes, for example 'cage' and 'stage'. These words fit well into a set rhyming scheme, but they're hard to do all the way through a poem.
I prefere words with similar sounds, as perfect rhymes usually make me look back to the first of the pair, and disrupt the reading, but then it's just as hard to find words that sound similar in sound and fit in meaning, for example 'reap' and 'seed'.
It really does depend on which style you as a writer prefere, but try not to switch between the two.
I'll admit the lines;
'Don’t conceal this wrath-
Don’t stumble on this stone.'
- although they are kind of relevent, they don't really follow the poem all that well. I can't really think of anything taht could replace them.
'The sea of life pulls them every
which-way- driven, and tossed-'
maybe another dash next to every, to show that the sentence follows on here too.
The start of this is a pit patchy, but the last two stanzas are amazing. A bit of work and this would definately be a brilliant piece. Keep it up. Kudos.
Thanks everyone!
Well, this IS a poetic response to something else.
Uh, I don't see how 'bird' and 'absurd' sounds awkward.
First of all, nix the asterisks between the stanzas. We know there's a break. You don't need to reinforce it.
The last two lines both seem forced to rhyme with the first two. What wrath? What stone? The stone line can be easily fixed...you might say, "Don't stumble on these stones." It doesn't rhyme perfectly with "alone," but slant rhyme rocks.This is a pleasant, simple poem...you do need to work on your rhyme, though. A problem young poets face when they try to rhyme is not forcing the rhyme. You know the deal--you wrote one great line, but you have trouble writing another to rhyme with it. So you put in a word that doesn't belong, or you change the syntax of your sentence to something really unnatural. Don't do it.
Here are some examples of where your rhyme seems forced:
Wrath is a different story. It needs to go. It's just mentioned, out of the blue, and it's pretty obvious that it's only there to rhyme with path.
Every and safety don't rhyme. It's not even slant or imperfect rhyme.
Bird and absurd. Way awkward. Must go.
Other than the major rhyming problems, it's a good poem. It's simple in that it doesn't have much depth to it, but there's nothing wrong with that; it can still be enjoyable.
-Colleen
wow, as with your last poem I read (the rose poem), it's really good. very smoothly written and meaningful
This was pretty good.
I kind of think it would have been better if you'd introduced the bird theme earlier because the first two stanzas seem completely unconnected with the second two... of course, that could just be me because I'm not very experienced with poetry, but you may want to work with it. Maybe do something like switch the placement of the second and third stanzas? I dunno.
That said, I really liked the second two stanzas. They read very smoothly and the meaning is clear but poetic. I especially like:
Also, I found the rhyming very effective and the rhythm very musical.
Very good overall!
Hope this helps!
~Azila~