Hello Selena1016,
I might be a little late to the game, but I'm going to post this here anyway just so you have the information.
First off, I think you have a good paper here. You've got a good handle of how to create a thesis. Your thesis makes an argument against something which gives you things to support your thesis through. Your thesis that the way The Patriot is filmed and delivered creates bias among the audience is actually a very reliable thesis. It's true. There have been countless other people who have said that the way a film is produced creates bias as well. I think that sort of makes your thesis a little weaker, but it is still a good thesis to start with. I think what you could add to the thesis to make it stronger would be 'against the British' because while filming makes bias, we should be clear about who the bias is towards. This goes with any thesis. Make them as exact as you can. The more exact, the more your support will actually fall clearly in line with your point and the more you're going to have to say.
I think your introduction paragraph could be clearer. Usually when you're writing an essay you should go back and re-write your introduction paragraph after you've written the conclusion. This is because the introduction needs to know what the conclusion says, so if you don't have the conclusion written yet, it's hard to write an introduction. Because of this some people like to start with the body paragraphs first, and write the introduction and conclusion afterwards.
Overall I think you really get into some good material in your body paragraphs. I like how you're trying to deal with the filming, the connotations, and the actions in the film. I wish that you had made it a little clearer what you were going to use as support in your introduction, and also rewrote the first part of your body paragraphs though because I feel like they're a little jumbled. Let me show you what I mean.
The perspective in which the film The Patriot was portrayed demonstrated bias. The film was in third person but had an emphasis on the Colonists’ perspective. In the film showing emphasis towards the colonists, the viewers get to know more about the personal lives of the Colonists. Making the viewers inherently sympathize with the Colonists. In sympathizing with the Colonists it also villainizes the British redcoats. The British and the Colonists both kill each other’s soldiers. Due to the fact that the war took place in the colonies, Colonists die as well as soldiers. Although this was inevitable it causes you to further sympathize with the Colonists due to the fact that large numbers of their people have died.
You start out with talking about the general thesis. That is just a restatement of your thesis in green. When you're done with that, you should be saying something that summarizes what the blue, yellow, and red show. As the yellow is support for the blue, that's easy to do. All you have to do is say something along the lines of "the bias in the film is created through the closesness we get with the Colonists." This would be a thesis for this paragraph. It's not the main thesis, but it is a support of the main thesis if we had the thesis of "The movie is biased towards liking the Colonists and disliking the British." All in all, you have a really good way to form your arguments. The blue draws a conclusion in the yellow, the red draws a conclusion in the brown, that's exactly what you need to do, but you also need to do two things with these paragraphs. First, tie in how this support goes directly to your thesis [which is hard to do with a thesis that isn't precise enough], and second, you need to conclude it with how you get back to the thesis again. Basically you need to make a sandwich in your paragraphs leaning towards the thesis at all times.
Another thing that teachers love is examples. You do this beautifully when you go into your point about the actions of the movie and how the British vandalized the church in the movie. I think throwing in the bit about the Nazis being the ones who burned a church is sort of strange because you don't support it with facts, and you don't say how that would affect the audience of the movie, you just put it out there. If you said that this would affect an older audience who understood the symbolism and that it would bring up memories of the horrors of the Holocaust and World War II through this act of church burning to immediately create contempt and pain in the audience at the scene, you would be right on the money. You just needed to expand that idea, tell us how that relates to the thesis.
You also get into some really good examples when you're talking about the dogs and the people specifically as well as the way that it was filmed. I think this second to last paragraph of yours is your strongest.
Two things to watch out for, when you're writing a paper, you have to be consistent so you have "Redcoats" capitalized in some spots, and not in others.
The characters who were chosen to play the 2 protagonists, Gabriel and Benjamin Martin, are intended to be viewed as sex symbols which causes the female audience to automatically side with the protagonists over the British Redcoats.
In sympathizing with the Colonists it also villainizes the British redcoats.
Just proof-read a few more times for nouns.
Also, any number under 11 should be spelled out, so you should use "two" instead of "2" for a formal paper for one through ten.
You also have a fragmented sentence:
from earlier actually. This has no noun on its own. Every sentence must have a noun that it's talking about. Who/what is making the viewers inherently sympathize with the Colonists? You can solve this by making "making" lower case and putting a comma rather than a period right before it attaching it to "In the film showing emphasis towards the colonists..."Making the viewers inherently sympathize with the Colonists.
I will also suggest you read this out loud a few times, and read it cold because you have some sentences that don't sound right, or don't flow well. Treat it more like you're telling a story and you need to convince everyone in the world that this story is true, and the best way of looking at things. To do that you need to gain their trust, be clear about what you're trying to convince them, and pull at their heart strings. The best way to do that is thesis, support, example, conclusion for every paragraph in it's own unique way so things don't get too repetitive. That means you should have a mini-thesis about how your support fits into your thesis every paragraph.
I hope this helps! If you're confused about any of this, give me a shout and I'll see what I can do to help make myself clearer. Overall you did a good job picking your thesis, it just needs to be a little stronger and everything else would have fallen perfectly into place.
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