Young Writers Society

alliyah has brought me back and yes i agree with alliyah
this poem is so very good
i just love the fourth stanza

This poem is still so good.

i've come back again

nooo this poem is so good let me just read it for the 300 millionth time you know

Aha! And as the clock struck midnight, alliyah completed her review goal to catch up on the much delayed review of whatchamacallit's Seirre's lovely poem! <3

Thanks for being patient, I actually have really been wanting to review this, but it's also one of those poems that's so good that I'm like @_@ what can I say to add to this? But let's go for it!

Meaning
The mood is very chaotic to me, almost like the speaker is having a melt-down where everything is colliding and they are just getting more and more hightened in their emotions. I interpreted the poem to be about a speaker who is trying to fix *something* in their life by writing but they feel like their work doesn't make a difference to what they're trying to face, and so their notebook ends up empty. I'm not entirely sure what the "something" they are trying to fix is, but it seems like it has to do with something they are missing - especially as they try to replace old organs, and memories with sea critters and swimming.

The idea of helplessness comes across a lot to me - and putting in your best efforts but not gaining anything from it - futility. The image of the pufferfish jammed between ribs is so </3 heartbreaky and inventive and really brings that futility theme home to me. It seems like the speaker feels that their actions are so not-helpful that they are starting to become not only futile but destructive.

If I really want to read into the title - love the use of parenthesis to read it as "thoughts swim together" and "together is a forgotten state" and then to be read as all one whole - and even the symbolism of the parenthesis joining !!

I think that it could be interpreted as 1) multiple thoughts are swimming chaotically together. and in that state they must be forgotten. (how ironic for a present-thought to be in a forgotten state! - in fact it's impossible to forget what you are already thinking, so it makes the whole futile theme come back!)
or 2) the idea/ thoughts of "togetherness" is what must be forgotten, or has been forgotten - meaning maybe what they're missing is the person they used to be "together" with but now must find a replacement in their surroundings. metaphorically the sea creatures who can't replace all that the person was to them.

Highlights
I think you're really really good at keeping a poem moving along winding pictures, while still keeping the theme unified. It makes the poem really engaging because as a reader you're not sure where it's going to go next, so you keep following along trying to get to the next part. For instance in the first stanza,

i try to write something, okay not too strange because i know
if i can throw unexpected action paired with writing enough blank white sheets
into this horizonless sea, woah totally unexpected setting!then perhaps
i can sop it all up or patch all the leaks introducing problem, that you have to read on to know more about or

new organs are hard to come by, but jellyfish
pulse through the sea like a heartbeat so
i stuff one into the sea of me - tentacles slither
through my veins and the sting feels sweet.

Hey whatcha! Incoming review!

It's great to review another one of your works! Let me get started.

I'll go stanza by stanza to keep things more organized.

i try to write something, because i know
if i can throw enough blank white sheets
into this horizonless sea, then perhaps
i can sop it all up or patch all the leaks or

fix whatever's wrong is the mantra but i'm not sure
what the wrong is. i'm bloated on emotions and
shards of my sea glass heart ride the tide -
if i can use words to drain the ocean, i can

go dredging for your lost pieces, i tell myself like
i am a fractured puzzle disintegrating into pulp
and i can be held together by the net of a notebook.
i use all of my paper mache mush to sculpt

new organs are hard to come by, but jellyfish
pulse through the sea like a heartbeat so
i stuff one into the sea of me - tentacles slither
through my veins and the sting feels sweet.

i swim deep to make new memories but all i make
are collapsed lungs that shrivel under the weight
of remembering old ones. pufferfish glide past:
i jam two between ribs and watch them inflate with

long sharp skewers break through my soft skin
and i wish they were at least filled with ink
so i could tattoo progress into my palms.
but instead i lean back and let myself sink into

the shifty seafloor sand engulfs my empty notebook.

Hello whatcha!

Once again, as it tends to be with your poetry, this one is so filled with these intricate threads of imagery. I could immediately recognise the voice as your signature poetic voice. The mood in this one was this sort of chaotic overwhelm, which I can see clearly in the style of the title, with a touch of heartbreak.

Subject, Themes, Narrative

This was a nice introspective poem about a speaker trying to put their feelings into words. When reading this, I thought the subject of writing was being explored to show how words can sometimes be inadequate to depict feelings (ironically, given that this poem for me at least conveyed very strong feelings!) or even for self-expression, as in the second stanza metaphor “a fractured puzzle” implies. The line about the “empty notebook” seems to contrast with how the skin of the speaker’s palms is being tattooed with progress. Finally, the speaker gives in to the futility of this endeavour with a classic one-liner.

I thought the narrative here was simple, but portrayed in great detail, with each stanza exploring a somewhat different aspect. For instance, stanza 2 to me seemed to be about catharsis, trying to “drain the ocean”, whereas stanza 3 is more about identity.

Language and Imagery

The main two motifs I saw was the notebook motif and the marine imagery. They seemed to be in conflict with each other, as in the first stanza where the speaker is trying to use the “blank white sheets” to soak up a “horizonless sea”, and the contrast in size and scope between these two things makes their efforts seem futile. The second stanza expands on that to link it directly to writing with “mantra” and “words” that fail to “drain the ocean”.

I thought I saw more visceral imagery towards the climax (around stanzas 4,5) of the poem, for instance the turn of the images to “new organs” and the speaker trying to “stuff” and “jam” things into their body. With the viscera, though, there comes these images of vitality and life, such as the simile “like a heartbeat” and the sting feeling “sweet” (and I personally always associate sensations with vitality).

The imagery in the last two stanzas seemed more disjointed, jumping around. For instance the “skewers” are in the speaker’s “ribs” but then they want to “tattoo progress into . . . palms”. I didn’t quite get the sense before that the speaker had landed on the seabed, so the “lean back” came as a bit of a surprise.

Structure and Sound

I enjoyed the contrast between the regular 4-line stanzas and the heavy enjambment such as in “or . . .fix”. I thought that seemed to reflect the speaker trying to put their fragmented emotions in order.

The most significant technique you use here I think is the mixing of tenses between stanzas, at the point where the enjambment occurs. It’s like a breaking of standard prose grammatical rules, and not just the kind of rules you find in a school book too, but breaking the rules such that the lines are no longer as intuitive to read. For instance, “watch them inflate with . . .” made me antici[pate a present continuous tense like “breaking through” but instead it continues “long sharp skewers break through”. The overall effect for me was one of jumping, fragmented thoughts.

That technique was super interesting to me, and I thought it worked well since you incorporated it into the regular pattern of the stanzas and also didn’t overuse it, in my opinion.

That's all

Overall, a great and classically whatcha piece with cool experimental grammar shenanigans.
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim

whatcha!

It seems that we are doomed (;)) to be enamored by each others' poems because I read this and OMG you are amazing and I loved this so much <33 I'm pretty sure the entirety of the site knows at this point that I vibe big time with ocean-related-things and ouch the visceral reaction this poem gave me was on point.

i can sop it all up or patch all the leeks or

but I'm not sure
what the wrong is.

i'm bloated on emotions and
shards of my sea glass heart ride the tide -
if i can use words to drain the ocean, i can

new organs are hard to come by, but jellyfish

i swim deep to make new memories

pufferfish glide past:

i jam two between ribs and watch them inflate with

i wish they were at least filled with ink
so i could tattoo progress into my palms.