Hey chamical! I remember that you requested this review of me quite a few months ago (a year, I think) and I have decided to catch up on all of my owed reviews and get a head start on my reviewing game for RevMo
So for the hook, I wasn't really hooked. Usually, I'm hooked with strange sentences, something like: "Kara stared at the marble, wondering why it looked like that" or something. I've also noticed that most people are actually attracted by that as well, which is why I tend to use strange sentences in the beginning and then slowly lower the strangeness into normal human level XD However, the sentence that you chose seemed extremely cliche which is something that would be great if you fixed.
Next, I've noticed a lot of tense changes. You change from past to present tense constantly inside of this piece. Now, I'm not saying that I do it too (because I do; I know I'm being a hypocrite) but you do switch back and forth a lot, even in the same sentence at some points. What I recommend is reading it out loud and/or looking for verbs inside of the piece using a "verb finder" (look it up on Google and you should get one. If finds other parts of speech as well, if you would need it}. This should also help you in the future, when you have to use more tense changes.
LIke LadyBird/Lizz said below, this is an extremely awkward prologue. I don't really feel immersed in it. Maybe a flashback within a flashback would help, or more connecting sentences and conjunctions (I think that's the term lmao). There are also a few extremely awkward sentences that could be fixed. I'll give you one example:
"And, as your mother, I'm asking you to live it happily. Nobody your age should have a worry. Except if you crush loves you."
First of all, it's "your", not "you."
Second off, you could probably combine the second two sentences together. It'll make a lot more sense than the fragment sentence in the end. I would also recommend putting an idiom in the sentence along the lines of "worry in the world"?? idk
You don't have to take this advice.
Then again, I'm pretty sure that you asked me to do this a year ago. But hey, a girl's gotta keep her promises [i]sometime[/i[, right?
Hope you have a fantabulous day!
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