When I was little, we had to learn the five senses. My teacher would always tell me "Remember, it is touch, taste, hear, smell, and see, nothing more!"
I always thought that we all had six senses. "What about the 6th sense Miss.?" I would ask again and again.
"What 6th sense?" She would laugh and say, "We only have five sense, little one."
Of course, I would not give up! "The one with the special ability." I would whisper, not wanting anyone else to hear. That was how I got my first F on an assignment.
I still believe that instead of five senses, we all have 6. I hav an extra one. It took awhile for me to learn, but I can control it pretty easily. I know when a person is lying, and when they are not. It comes naturally. No one knows, I am terrified the wrong person may find out.
Lucie's Coffee was, as usual, filled with teens from town. A few older couples sat, sharing photots of their grandchildren. I ordered an vanilla bean iced coffe, my usual, and made my way through the pink and purple decorated space, to the booth in the corner. It was away from the rest of the crowd, definately quiet, how I liked it. I was sitting there contemplating the design of a hippo in a tutu on the front of my coffee cup, and reading my favorite book "OF Mice and Men" when Christopher appeared.
When he started walking over, I distracted myself with my coffee. "Hey" He said, choosing the other side of the booth to sit down.
"H-hi!" I squeaked, nervous as hell. What if he was here to make fun of me? No, he wouldnt do that.. we were neighbors! Why couldnt I think straight around him?
"I was wondering if you would want to go to a party this weekend?" He said, brushing his long black bangs out of his face. I looked him straight in the eyes, and quietly looked to see if he was lying or not. We were close friends and all, but our friends never got along together. It was weird to "be inside" someone else. It was a feeeling I could never explain. I looked around his mind, looking for the awnser. He was not lying, he wanted me to go. When I backed out, fully back into my own, he was pale and wide eyed.
"What the dammed hell was that?" He asked, shocked, as if he knew what I was doing. I stood, looking at him speechless. No one had ever found me out before.
"What do you mean?" I asked. I tried to act like nothing happened.
"That buzzing, that weird feeling. Like a part of you was in my head." He said.
I got up to leave, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the same seat as him.
"I can tell when someone is lying, and when they are not. I always have, ever since I was born." I whispered. "Please do not think i'm a freak.."
He looked into my brown eyes. His fingers trailed to my face, brushing away the hairs that escaped my ponytail. "Look me in the eyes." Was his simple request.
I looked him in the eyes. "I like you Alison, ever since I moved into the house next door" Christopher said, just loud enough for me to hear. I shook my head, confirming that he was telling the truth. With that he kissed me, just a small kiss, but enough so I would never forget his lips on mine.
"Be mine?" He asked, his lips dangerously close to mine. My heart skipped a beat again.
"I would love to" I said, trying to keep a smile off my face.
Since that day, we have been dating. He is the only one who knows my 6th sense. Problem is, will he keep the secret?
Hello, A Boy from the Future is here to write a very short review...
First of all, I'd like to say that you've done splendid job here. I like the theme of the story. As I can see other critics have done great job in rectifying the errors so I may not comment upon the grammatical or punctuation errors.
1.) Plot:- The plot of the story is very intriguing. I like the plot and your word choice as well. A bit more description would be more helpful though. I hope more description would be found in your next chapters.
2.) Characterization : - A bit more description is required here mainly on the appearance of the girl, who is the protagonist as well I pre-assume. Anyway I like the characters and dialogue is beleievable.
Overall, I feel that this story has great potential. I am very keen to know more of it.
Keep up the good work.
With Best Wishes
Keep Writing
-gauravkundu32-
It was interesting, but you had a few errors. You miss spelled several things and forgot to add words such as, 'What about the sixth sense miss.?' There was your first mistake '.?' It should have just been a question mark. And you miss-spelled 'against' Other than those few errors interesting concept!
Hi SecreteJournalist! I'm Cgirl here for a review on this awesome intro!
1. "We only have five little one." <— There should be a comma after "five".
2. "I would whisper, not wanting anyone else to here." <---- "Here" should be, "hear".
3. "The person in the booth infront" <---- It should be "in front" not "in front".
4. "He wasnt lying, he wanted me to go." <--- It should be "wasn't" not "wasnt".
5. "Please dont think im a freak.." <--- It should be "don't" not "dont". Also it should be "I'm" not "im". One more thing, it should be "freak." not "freak..".
6. "Problem is, will he keep the secrete?" It's "secret" not "secrete"
7. "I shook my head, confiriming" It's "confirming" not "confiriming".
8. "He said, curioisty and anger written across his face." It's "curiosity" not "curioisty".
9. "I ended up agaisnt the wall," It's "against" not "agaisnt".
I suggest that you edit your work first before posting.
Also describe how it feels to use her sixth sense. Like when she uses it on Christopher, describe how she can do it and what she sees.
Like @StellaThomas said, describe the cafe more.
Overall, good start but there was a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. I definitely can't wait to read more!
Hey there, Stella here!
So first, FUN FACT: humans actually have nine senses. Wait what, I hear you say, is this some crazy new-age philosophy?
Nope! It's science. Our nine senses are sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, thermoception (sensation of heat/cold), nociception (pain), vestibuloception (balance) and proprioception (knowing where your body parts are in space). So now you know!
But obviously we don't get taught that in primary school. Like many things, in college, we learn that we've been being lied to for eighteen years.
That aside, this seems like a pretty interesting concept for a story. One thing I think you could work on to make it even better though was the way you describe things. One of the biggest things you'll see people on YWS talking about is "Show, don't tell." Let's take an example from your story:
"It was a small place called Lucie's Coffee, a major hangout for teens in my town. The coffee shop had the same setup as a starbucks, but was pink, and the logo was a hippo in a tutu. I sat in a booth in the very corner, where I usally sat to get away from the crowd. "
Now this is what we call telling. You're telling us what the café looks like, which is fine, we get the picture. But you could do something much better- you could show us the picture. I don't know how every Starbucks is set out- and do you mean every single thing in the café is pink? Either way, it doesn't seem natural like this. You can rework it to sound a bit better. For instance:
"Lucie's Coffee was, as usual, filled with teens from town. I ordered and made my way through the all-pink café to my usual booth in the corner, away from the crowd. I was sitting there contemplating the design of a hippo in a tutu on the front of my coffee cup when Christopher appeared."
This way, the description happens alongside the story, you don't have to take a break from plot to describe what you see around you. Your description of Christopher has the same problems.
I did find the scene a little bit contrived. What teenage boy says that? And what was she doing that he found so weird? If this is an ability she uses very much, wouldn't he have noticed before? Besides, didn't it just look like a bit of a weird glare- something that might freak you out a little bit but nothing to have a hissy fit over? And then suddenly confessing his love before the poor girl has even had a chance to say anything... I don't know. I'm just not buying it. I think that their relationship could be filled out a lot more, and this is only just the very beginning, you don't need to do all of it right here right now!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
This is an outstanding start and I believe the rest of the story will be even more outstanding. I love the idea of a sixth sense and I wonder if you really do have that sixth sense. I know it is really childish of me to think that you do just by reading this story, but this story is extremely convincing. I feel as if I was right there in the room drinking a hot cup of coffee with a shit load of sugars and creamers. So now it is time for me to stop sucking up for no reason.
So first of all there are a few spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes, and pretty much every one has those, but that does not mean they do not need to be fixed. The first one is a spelling mistake, but it could also be a grammar mistake ("What about the 6th sense Mrs.?" I would ask again and again.) This should actually be ("What about the 6th sense Miss?" I would ask again and again.) It could also be ("What about the 6th sense Mrs.”and then her last name would go here”?" I would ask again and again.).The second one is a punctuation mistake (“The one with the special ability." I would whisper, not wanting anyone else to here.) There are many more, but I don’t want to make you feel down on yourself.
So now I will tell you the upsides of this review. This story runs smoothly throughout the whole thing. It even has this loving, curios, and thrill feeling to it. I wish you good luck on the rest of this story. I also want to tell you that this is an outstanding piece of literature.
P.S. You should definitely put an age warning on this… I suggest making it 16+… oh and this does not people have to be 16+ to read this story it just warns them what kind of content it has.
My secretes are my secretes
My secretes are my secretes