Walls

Ok, the rhyming is out of control. Although beautiful poems have in the past had an intense rhyming scheme, it does not work in this poem. You need to be more subtle because readers often take this sort of rhyming to mean comedy. This does not seem to be a comedic poem to me. I suggest trying to dial down the rhyming for the sake of the subject matter. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

I absolutely relate to your opening lines. I stopped and read them again before even continuing with the poem. I Had to take a moment and absorb it. Those two short lines set the mood so clearly that the whole poem seemed to throb with it.
In the last line of the first stanza though, I don't really understand why you chose the word "or". It seemed to me like "love perks" was a second example proving the line before it, not a contrasting one? Using "and" would have made more sense to me.
The last line of the second stanza seems a bit short compared to the others, and the rhyming ending seems to cut off the flow.
Those are the bits I would focus on editing, because all in all I think this piece is really impressive in its ability to convey emotion.

Hey there, Seastormy.

I'm GeeLyria, and I'm here to review.

First off, I want to let you know that I am going to be honest with you. Let's start with the first stanza. The beginning immediately wrapped me up like it should have happened; I noticed that your rhyming pattern was consistent, and the imagery was very enjoyable. The message was sweet, concise and very likable. That is great!

However, I don't feel the same way about the second stanza. Why? Because it is too different when you compare it with the first one. The first four lines are poetically acceptable, while the rest sound more like a typical conversation. The very last line slapped me right in the face because, even though it rhymed, you made it sound like your purpose was to find a word to place it there, and be done with the poem.

I'd suggest you to work on it a little bit more, because it kills the magic and the readers enthusiasm to say "This was a very good poem". We don't want anyone to forget what you've written five minutes after they read it. I honestly think that would a shame, because you did show you have the talent and the potential to make something worth remembering.

Do keep in mind that the beginning of a poem should be like a "Welcome" carpet, and the end should be like a cherry on top.

I hope I've expressed myself correctly, and that I get to see more of your work soon. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

~GeeLyria

Hey there!

Now with only two stanzas I shall touch more on the wording than flow and structure. Since they seemed to be of equal lengths.

"My dear, though there is a beacon of light,
The walls are still closing in on me tight."
I don't see the relation between the beacon of light and walls closing on me. If you want to take the opposite of the beacon of light, talk about something related to darkness.

'It's rather odd how the world works,
Like diseased minds or love perks."
I liked this two sentences, especially the phrases "diseased minds" corrupted minds I suppose and "love perks" relationships.

"Again, it seems, you've made a fool,"
I would use the word "been" instead of "made" here. Reason being the narrator is telling a particular person he/she is a fool, not made someone else a fool.

I do think this poem talks about several themes that are pretty unrelated. First there's the thing about being trapped (walls are still closing in on me) and then you jump to "how the world works". It's not exactly a smooth transition there, and it's in fact a different topic.

The second stanza is more linked together. With letting down the guard to hoping whatever it is will stay. But that is just naive thinking, and thus the person is a fool.

I think that if the first stanza was changed a little to link up the different sentences it would flow much better.

Hope my review helped!

Uh oh~ After running into a bunch of poems that handled rhyming well, I'm sad to have to say that you've let the rhymes run your poem. You started with a nice idea -- the walls, and that feeling of being trapped, but what you really wanted to say was lost in forcing rhymes with "works" (you didn't really want to say perks, because who in the world says "love perks"?), and "fool" (you know "you've lost your cool" doesn't fit with the tone you want at all!).

Really, I think it would be beneficial to you to dig into this topic -- this one beacon of light in a room where the walls seem closer and closer. Where does the light go as the time pass? Why is the speaker within walls in the first place? Follow the story, the emotion, the tone, the feeling you're trying to evoke, not the rhymes. Oh anything, anything but the rhymes for you!

I do want to know what this other person has started, though. I want to know more about that. This poem is so short and it really only says two things: "I feel trapped and it's weird, and I think you did this to me." Give me more from this!

PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions or comments about my review, and good luck. Push further. I'd like to see you get better.

Hannah