It's a strange thought that I had crossed paths with such a person that day. That I had experienced such an odd form of wonderment soley from the hands of man, the same of which has drawn more horrors than pleasantries. That day, when the sun highlighted the square and the crowd of nameless faces consisted of industrious beings and smoky young temptresses doused in smoking cigarette fumes was the day that had made the mechanical structure of my mind switch into overdrive.
As I walked the streets laden with both the young and old, my eyes were drawn to one man in particular. Thin and lanky, holding a wooden beauty with silver whips choking it's neck. He set himself down on the sidewalk, his back against the divinely old structure behind him, his polished instrument poised perfectly in his lap. Without a second thought his fingers began to dance with the strings of the beast, placed precisely in the spots that would make the man-made instrument cry out in a beautiful variety of noises. Louder and louder it sang out to the busy streets, it's notes circling pedestrians and begging them to indulge in the sweet sanctuary of it's sound. In that moment, the stress of everyday life was washed from me by the intricate pitches of the guitar. Such a sound it was! How, I thought, was it possible for something so simple in design to create such a complex feeling within me? It made Gabrielle's Horn seem... unholy. The chatter of the crowd was drowned out by the harmony of which a common day man induced, plucking the strings calmly as if this was only a leisurely melody. And when he looked up and pierced me with his steady gaze, the music continued flawlessly, unnoticed by most of the masses who deemed themselves above those who sat in squares and played brilliant music for open-eared wanderers who sought the reassurance that only the sound of a well-played instrument could achieve.
Many days after that I thought endlessly of the music tht man had produced, how it had flowed so smoothly through the crisp city air. It was foreign, unrecognizable. It did not belong here, sifting through the crowd of people who could care less about the beauty of simplicity. I did not go back to the square within those days, though I heard every once in awhile talk of silent stranger strumming away on his guitar. It was two weeks later that I plucked the courage to confront him, to inform him of my opinion on his work, of his masterpiece. Once more I found myself concealed among people who could not understand art and its forms. I walked all the way to the spot, bracing myself for the meeting, running through the words that spun uncontrollably in my head and jammed harshly in my throat. Turning the corner now, expecting to see him sitting there with his instrument in hand, playing the crafted tune he had come to play regularly. I could just hear that melody clearly in my head and-
He was not there.
I sit here now, telling the story of that day that opened my eyes to a different form of art. One of which I had never appreciated as much until that stranger, the newcomer, held me transfixed to my spot, desiring more of the sweet sounding pitches that erupted from the neck of the wooden object. Even now, weeks after he disappeared, I can still hear the notes climbing the walls of my home and knocking on my window, begging me to kindly sit and listen to the symphony of the streets.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I often hate reading short stories. Mostly because I cannot write them myself. However, you have written a very beautiful story and I applaud you for all but mastering the art of the short story.
You write in an oddly classical style and that definitely appeals to me. Your words were carefully planned and unbelievable beautiful. However, at times, your writing often made the reading difficult. Sometimes, it is better to be blunt than poetic. If you have something to say, say it. Do not dance around a subject too much or the reader will feel as though you did not say anything at all.
Overall, this was a very enjoyable story. I can't wait to read more from you. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey there!
As with Shino, I'm going to review this paragraph by paragraph.
The first paragraph was amazing, it was so descriptive in many forms and the setting clearly showed in my mind. The words you used to describe the crowd were enjoyable to read. However you used the smoky word twice. It's sort of repetitive and also the flow of the story is affected. Either get rid of one of the words or even change it with another one.
The second paragraph I found was too big. It could have been split into two separate paragraphs. The first paragraph being the narrator describing the man playing the instrument, and the second paragraph being the feelings derived from hearing the music. However it was a really well written paragraph and I really liked reading it.
The third paragraph was very well written too. It had kind of a fast pace to it and also the narrators sudden change in mindset. However the last sentence was cut off by the phrase "He was not there". I would have preferred to see the last sentence have an actual end to it.
Somehow this feels like a flashback given that the last paragraph starts off with "I sit here now". It's also a good way of ending the story. Overall I feel that this narration was very well done. Lots of description and feelings involved too. The only thing was I didn't feel a sense of attachment to the character or the tune that he supposedly talked about. Build up on the character if you could, but the narration as it is now is wonderful.
Hope my review helped!
Hey there Seastormy! I'm gonna give you a quick paragraph by paragraph review.
But some of the things I do to avoid them might I help you.
The first paragraph is an interesting introduction, you do a good job hooking the reader in. It's not until you get to the third line that there is an issue. There's some word repetition when you say 'smoky' and 'smoking'. 'Smoking' isn't necessary here, because when we imagine cigarette fumes, we already imagine smoke. I would consider cutting it out.
The next paragraph is really beautifully written. My only problem with it is how long the paragraph is, and the lack of variation between sentences. Short paragraphs are easier for readers to get through and help keep your writing flowing naturally. Long paragraph can choke a reader's interest. I suggesting breaking these paragraphs up at some point.
Another thing I want to take a second to talk about is sentence variation. When someone talks about sentence variation, they are talking about varying sentence length and pattern. This makes your writing flow more naturally and keeps it from becoming monotonous. For instance:
I went to the beach last summer. My family had a fun time there. We spent a lot of time in the water. I can hardly wait for us to go back!
These sentences are roughly the same length. If it went on like this, you'd probably grow annoyed and stop reading. This might read better:
I went to the beach last summer. Me and my family had a great time, especially when we were swimming in the salty ocean. I can hardly wait to go back!
This is more natural and less choppy.
The next paragraph is great, but watch out for run on sentences. Try reading through each sentence without taking a breath, and if you find you are holding your breath to long, it's probably a run on sentence.
The fourth paragraph is beautiful, just like the rest, but it still has some issues with sentence variation and run on sentences. I struggle with run on sentences all the time, so I'd be a hypocrite to get on to you too much for them.
1. I read my sentences out loud without taking a breath. If I go too long without a breath, I know it's probably a run on sentence.
2. I count my commas and semi-colons. I try not to have more than three commas/semi-colons per a sentence.
3. I keep my sentence structure as simple as possible.
Anyway, I hope this helps! You're a very talented writer, keep up the good work!