Sailin' with Jerry

by Seastormy
  • March 7, 2013
  • Poetry
I set sail with problems
And no way to fix them.
I found an easy method
Through bitter, amber liquid.

Those nights were focused
On fun and lavish lust,
Devil red diamond hearts,
Clubs and spades of dark arts.

Played pong with cups of fire,
And often needed a lighter,
To create smooth smoke
From burning sticks or a toke.

And when I was too drunk to stand,
I'd still have a drink in hand,
Saying I was ever so very
Lucky to be sailing with Jerry.



(If anyone is familiar with Sailor Jerry rum, my friends and I would often say we were "Sailing with Jerry" when we drank it.)
Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
AmourDevorant
Review
AmourDevorant wrote a review · Fri Mar 08, 2013 3:05 am

I was hoping this was about Sailor Jerry! My first experience with alcohol was with Sailor Jerry. Cool bottle, bad idea lol.

I can't tell what rhyme scheme you're going for. It looks like A/B/C/D/E/F/G/G/H/I/J/J/K/K/L/L. Phew. I think if you kept it more consistent, and lengthened the meter a bit, this could turn into a bubblier (excuse the pun) drinking song :3 I think drinking songs go typically A/B/B/A?

If that's not your intention or interest, I still think the rhyme scheme and meter could be cleaned up.

Also, it falls a little flat without more progression of the effects of the rum. You said in your post that it's always 4 stanzas... 8 stanzas is like 2 sets of 4, right? :D I like this a lot, but I think it could be more involved. After all, it describes social drinking (the games, the smoking, beirut), so bring out the more lighthearted side of getting rid of your problems for a while.

User avatar
NoirLumiere
Review
NoirLumiere wrote a review · Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:54 am

Hey, Seastormy! Noir here, and I'll be your reviewer today! Let's rock.

First off, concept. The concept for this reminds me of the old song "Whiskey River, Take My mind." At least, I think that's what it's called... I can't remember. Basically, the concept is very cool.

Second, rhythm. I admit at first, the rhythm threw me off a bit. It took me a few moments to get some of the rhymes, but then again, I was reading silently. Anyways, the rhythm was excellent, and your use of couplets made me smile, as most of my own work is in couplet form.

Finally, grammar. At my first read of this, I saw no grammar mistakes. I thought I had seen one, but it was just my hyena imagination throwing me off. Go figure. The grammar was excellent, and I saw no problems whatsoever.

In all, this poem was amusing and fun to read. The concept made me chuckle, the rhythm was great, and your grammar was excellent.

This poem gets my hyena rating 10/10.

This has been NoirLumiere, and that's your review. Good night and keep writing.



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