Mushroom Caps in Lemonade

I like it! It sounds very obscure and wonderfully vague, in the way that it doesn't really say anything, but shows a lot - if you get what I mean. You have a great use of metaphors and visuals that gives the feeling of a trip, a psychedelic trip, a wonderland etc. There's some parts in the poem that you seem to split lines that are, to me, rather unnecessary, but you can do whatever you want in Mushroom littered lemonade.

Seastormy,

I haven't read any of your previous reviews so I apologize if I repeat things. First of all, I love your title <3 That is just such a striking image in my head and if you ever ask around here, you'll see that I'm quite the...er Lemon enthusiast. Yes, I said it. So mushroom lemonade, that is something I must try now

There are a lot of interesting things happening here and that gets me excited :3 I'm just going to walk through this stanza by stanza. Your first - I am assuming that when you refer to "Alice" you are talking about Lewis Carroll's Alice, yes? Boy, I hope so, otherwise this review is gonna be a load of worthless. Vibrant visuals - nice assonance there. Your last line is what gets me, "confusingly" is not a word and while I get that you may be trying to evoke this sense of confusion or what have you, it doesn't work in this case it pulls me out of the poem. It pulls me out of the poem so bad. So, just nix it. "And strange thoughts." Good.

Now this first stanza kind of acts more like an introductory stanza more than anything. There's nothing really of substance here, and it seems like it's more of a lead-in to the rest of the poem. I like for stanzas to be able to stand on their own and measure each other equally in powerfulness, but for now - it definitely does serve to get me further into that rabbit hole :3 you've intrigued me.

The second stanza is just loveliness. I love your creative spirit, the alliterations are nice and add to the kookiness of the imagery as well. That second line is just about my favorite in this stanza. I'm not a fan of "sensationally" though, like is it a psychedelic kind of sensational? a fame? It's not really evoking any sort of emotion other than that it's supposed to be dazzling or something, and that's already coming across even without the adverb. It's funny because you have such strong lines, so your adverbs here stand out /weak/ in comparison.

The last stanza is thought provoking. I know a bit about Alice, so there are a lot of interpretations about how the whole story is a metaphor for drugs, and the title kind of makes me think in this direction as well. I'm not a fan of the "Much less Greek Philosophy" that just comes out of no where and I think you don't lose anything if you just nix it.

The last two lines <3 So much love.

Great poem, an enjoyable read :3 I would love to chat about it, if you'd like. In any case, let me know if you ever need a review and good luck with your writing endeavors.

~ as always, Audy

This is a nice simple poem with a good intention, but it falls dreadfully short of where it could have gone. You’re talking about Alice. You’re talking about new sensations and vibrant visuals and strange thoughts and you give us none of those. Why?

You poked at it. You saw the potential and you poked at it very timidly and never reached it. Grass shouldn’t be purple or spidery, so you used that, but you can go so much further. Give me movement and texture and smell and sound and light and color and every sensational thing you can bring, and give it to me mixed up. Give it to me like mushroom caps in lemonade, where I see them floating like ice cubes or growing from the top of ice cubes, maybe. Give me something new, not just something “a little strange”.

Look:

Stepped in the purple prairie,
Barefoot on the spider grass

Feet on the purple prairie
where the blades pushed up between my toes
to make me bleed
and everything else was alive
with spiders the size of pin heads:
the sound of autumn leaves on an empty street.

Hello, there are some really good lines in here, and the imagery is nice. Some things:

-The title is lovely, and like the world of Wonderland, the whole mushroom thing is super trippy. I would have liked to see the mushroom caps perhaps make a presence in the poem somewhere.

-I'm not too fond of the first stanza, mostly because it's a cerebral, or maybe just too explanatory. It's not very visual, like the rest of the poem, and so is kind of out of place. I always found that words like "nonexistence" don't really paint anything for us readers. It's a metaphysical thing that doesn't really give us anything.

- I agree with Penguin, the spider grass line was very nice and gave us an absurd look into this world. You do a wonderful job with the color imagery and it is definitely the vibrant world you promised. I think perhaps if you were to convey the first stanza in terms of this world as opposed to just telling us, it would be more effective.

-"Much less Greek philosophy."
--Not a fan of this line, mainly because we go from the world of wonder to this dry, empty historical reference. Maybe if you gave us an image of Greek logicians or something like that, it would help juxtapose the two ideas of the rational and irrational.

-"So I laughed at silent spectators
And bathed in the lava light."
--You don't bring up these silent spectators previously and if they simply represent a general public or some such, it's kind of lazy writing. It's too easy of a target, really. If they represent someone specific, you need to let us know, because otherwise we can't quite form an opinion on them.

The terms "lava light" mixed with "silent spectators" also give me the sense of a hellish world, and I didn't really think you were going for that, though maybe you were. If you were, I think the connection from a vibrant, beautiful world to a hellish nightmare was made without any sort of transition or explanation. If you didn't intend to make anyone think of hell, then I would cut those lines and really look at what you were trying to say exactly.

I can surely explain anything further if you like.

Hi Seastormy,

I like your name! Welcome to the YWS and thanks for posting a cute little poem. I like Alice in Wonderland in all its incarnations, although I can tell this is from the most recent movie. At least, I hope it is! The colours and vivid nature suggests it to me. But on to the review!

I’ll note first that you don’t need to capitalise the first letter of every line. You can, of course, but it isn’t necessary. Your wording is a little off in parts, mostly “confusingly” which is a word but an incredibly awkward word to read. In a poem about Alice I could almost let that slide, but it throws off the rhythm in your lines and makes it more difficult for me to continue reading through.

Your best line is “Barefoot on the spider grass” for me, it’s just… lovely. Utterly lovely. I think that some of your deliciously descriptive adverbs here are too much. I think you could lose “Sensationally” without any worry, because stars pulsing are sensational without you reminding us they are. You could lose “though” in your last stanza also because it’s awkward and unnecessary, taking it out doesn’t change what’s said at all. I’d throw out “the” in your first stanza also, and if you couldn’t tell, I’m just adding these in as I re-read your poem, hah! I like your use of alliteration and I know asking you to take out some of the words will alter that, but since you don’t use it consistently, it shouldn’t be much of a problem.

Your ending is the weakest part of the poem; your final two lines are just weak. They don’t stamp anything home at all. That would probably be fixed by swapping them “So bathed in the lava light/and laughed at those silent spectators” would give you a harder, stronger ending.

All in all I like your poem, and the whimsy it employs. It’s fun and interesting and doesn’t need too much done to it, certainly nothing in the content. A bit of polishing up around the edges and this will be wonderful.

Please hit me up if you have any questions or queries!
~ Pen.