Published January 12, 2013
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello! I am Maddy and I'm here to review!
The subject of this poem is wonderful. It's interesting, which is perfect! However, the rhyming kinda made the poem hard to read. You had some "almost rhymes" and some actual rhymes, but then you had worda that didn't even seem to rhyme. I'd work on making it rhyme more, if you want, or just make it free verse, which will make it flow easier.
Another thing that put me off was the syllable count. Try to even that out a little bit.
good luck and happy writing!
The last sentence two lines in this poem are probably my favorite! I would love if you could get as specific with the rest of the piece as you do in that moment.
I also find that your rhyme and rhythm schemes are a little unbalanced which makes the poem sort of awkward to read. I think what could really help this piece is paying attention to balance of rhythm and content, to make sure the rhyme scheme turns out more level than it is.
Overall, this is a lovely start and I would love to see more!