Published January 9, 2013
Bloody knuckles and brittle bones,
Fight your battles with angered tones.
The facade has lifted, your faults exposed,
And now the guise is disposed.
You've lost the battle with Golden Eyes,
Gazed upon the most unexpected prize.
A token, a myth, a commonly told tale,
Spoken by those with lives for sale.
Because, for skeptics who believe they are wiser,
The subtle pain is the least desire.
With clouded thoughts and a shaky hand,
Reality has become too much to withstand.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Hi, Seastormy.
I am GeeLyria, and I will be suggesting you some things today. But first, I want to welcome you to YWS! If you have any questions about the site, feel free to contact me.
I seriously cannot express how much I loved this poem as I read it. The wording is fabulous; it made me I fall in love! It flows like a river because your rhythm pattern was consistent and that made it magical. As lame is it may sound, it's neatly organized and attractive to the readers eye. Kudos on that! In my opinion the poem is wonderful.
However, I spotted the title of it right after I finished reading (I never verified it before that for some reason). And we all know that it is not wise to judge a book by its cover (or title), but you never want to give the wrong impression. For some reason, I find the title to be non-attractive; being totally honest, I'd tell you that the title up there makes this sound more like an essay than a poem. Some readers might actually ignore this post, thinking that the content is just as boring. That would be a shame, considering this is an amazing poem. O:
That's all I've got to say; there's my grain of sand. If you have any questions, do contact me. :]
~GeeLyria
Hey there!
I really liked this writing, and I feel like a lot of people could relate to this.
I did have a few questions about it, though.
- "You've lost the battle with Golden Eyes." Is this a person, or something else? Probably something I just haven't heard of. Fits well in the poem, though!
- "..Gazed upon the most unexpected prize.
A token, a myth, a commonly told tale,
Spoken by those with lives for sale." I don't really understand what prize it is that you're referring to; this threw me off a bit. The rest of that stanza was written well, however. Realistic.
- "Because, for skeptics who believe they are wiser,
The subtle pain is the least desire.
With clouded thoughts and a shaky hand,
Reality has become too much to withstand." This is probably my favorite stanza because it's so real. Very well written, too.
Overall, very nice writing. Hope to see more from you soon!
Hey again, Seastormy.
I want to come out first and congratulate you on a fantastic couplet in your last stanza:
This is fantastic because it not only flows well, it's absolutely brimming with criticism, sting, and reason. It is the clearest moment of your opinion and point during this entire poem. It says, "If I can't see you suffering, you're not suffering", and I love that approach to a subject of pain.
The rest is really distracted though. I think I mentioned this on your last poem, but again, I think you've fallen prey to the rhyme. I mean, look:
The first two lines talk about how visible the pain is: bloody knuckles are evident, as are angered tones, and "brittle bones" is a really visual phrase, if not actually a visible image in reality. It also mentions something about a battle. Then the next two lines talk about no longer hiding behind something? Is this related to the battle? Is this related to the bloody knuckles? If it is, I don't see the connection.
And though in some cases, the won/loss switch makes sense in a situation like this -- the victim thinks they are winning and society things they are losing -- it's really odd for you to make the switch in the same stanza. You tell the victim they've lost, but then go on to describe the prize. Which side are you on? And who is Golden Eyes? If you have a meaning for that phrase, it's not obvious to me, and since it's capitalized it seems important.
Lastly, you have that awesome couplet, but the second half of the stanza again contradicts it. I think you're trying to get at both sides of the fence, but instead of coming off as understanding, it seems distracted and undecided. Are you speaking with the victim or against him/her? To fling the reader back and forth in the space of a stanza is disorienting.
Now, I know a lot of poetry relies on connotation, but I'm not able to break into what you mean by the commonly told tale that's supposed to be the prize of this suffering? The token? The myth? Is it just the end-goal that they want? How does that come from people with lives "for sale"?
Also, I am not sure where the "because" at the beginning of the last stanza is supposed to connect to. You've lost because skeptics don't care about invisible suffering, or people speak of this prize because skeptics don't care about invisible suffering?
Clean it up a bit. Think on it a little. Decide what you want readers to understand and what you think they can push themselves to deduce, and make it what you want it to be.
PM me or wall post me if you have any questions, 'cause I don't get notifications to replies to reviews.
Good luck!
Hey there!
This poem is pretty well done. The rhyming is good and the word choice and phrasing brings about a smooth poem. It has an even length across the stanzas, but I don't really get how eating disorders are related to this poem. To me this poem talks about suffering, but in general. There's no actual specification or reference to this as eating disorders.
"You've lost the battle with Golden Eyes"
I don't really get the Golden Eyes here, what does it refer to?
"Because, for skeptics who believe they are wiser"
The comma here is pretty unnecessary, it would smooth just as well without it in my opinion.
The stanzas seem to be talking about different topics which don't seem related. I see a picture of suffering, and also people hating to be judged. I get the feeling of the narrator reprimanding a particular someone in the first and second stanzas, but in the third stanza the tone seems to change and there seems to be more of regret there.
Overall I think that if you wanted to make this a eating disorder poem you need to have it as the main subject and not just talk about the suffering in general.
Hope my review helped!
Often when I'm writing, I tend to refer to people/things as an eye color rather than an actual name. To me personally, the eyes are a window to the soul, they tell much more than you're willing to let on. "Golden Eyes" in place of an eating disorder name because to me it's sounds more appealing and less shocking when read.
And thank you! I wasn't sure if that comma was really needed, but I left it anyway just in case.