Though they might have been extremely young, the two twins picked up on their mothers panic immediatley. It could have been the way she gripped their tiny hands fiercely, or maybe how she kept glancing at the front door fearfully. The little girl, only 3, tugged at her mother's shirt.
"Mommy, I wanna go." Not that she actually had anywhere in mind to go, but being so young, she deemed it the appropriate thing to say. She did want to go, just away from the high paranoia that spread through the air. She couldn't understand why her mother was sitting on the floor alertly, but it was mildly displeasing.
A huge bang went off followed by the yelp of an injured animal, making both of the twins scream out. The mother's eyes widened to stark. She pulled them in closer to her, trying her best to eliminate any distance between them. A man entered the room, his clothes splattered with burgundy splotches. There was a large rifle dangling at his side, shiny and mysterious to the two children.
"Daddy!" The little girl squealed loudly, reaching out with her one free hand. He had a dreadful look in his eye. He walked over to his family and crouched down in front of them.
"What do we do?" Their mother whimpered, her voice barely above a whisper. The children couldn't understand how pathetic she looked, but their father could. He brought a hand up and caressed her cheek. His hand was shaking.
"We have to hide them and cover their scent, it's our only hope." He replied, picking the little girl up and rightening himself. She smiled at him gleefully, believing that daddy would wisk them away to a funner place. Their mother stood, too. She was cradling the boy, who save for screaming at the explosion, had yet to make a sound. He was always the quieter of the two children, though both of them were the opposite of talkative.
The father walked through the dark kitchen and silently opened one of the smaller cabinets. After inspecting it and removing the few items it held, he set his little girl inside. He took the boy from his wife, who had followed him to the spot, and set him inside as well. There was another loud bang and a crashing sound that made the parents whip their heads around fast. The father closed the cabinet quickly, blocking the children off from the world almost.
They waited for what seemed like an eternity, too afraid to do anything. Tears hadn't even sprung in the irls eyes, though her brother seemed to be taking the situation worse. He had wet trails running down his cheeks. When the cabinet door swung open once more, their mother was there sobbing intensly. There was something big and furry in her hands that was dripping with a thick, dark liquid.
"Listen babies, mommy loves you. I wouldn't do this if I didn't." She cooed through choked breaths and tears. Shakily, she raised the mass and stuck it in the cabinet over them. It was the foulest thing they could have ever imagined. The smell of the dead thing was suffocating, choking. It's dark blood, still warm, drenched them and covered them in the scent. They both started crying immeditley. "No crying!" Their mother shouted in fear. It was quite possibly the tone of her voice that had stopped their cries of detest, making them realize in some form of way that this situation was serious, that they wouldn't be if they didn't listen to their mother. She was desperate, deranged. She willed them to understand what was happening."You can't cry babies, don't make a sound. Nothing. Don't talk to anyone, no one. Mommy will be back, I promise."
With a shut of the door once more, the children stayed silently covered by death, never to see their mother or father again.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey Seastormy! I read your piece couple days ago and as today is the review day i decided to give my opinion.
First congratulations, you made a really cool prologue. It's like a teaser for me, really interesting and well written. Many many questions that i expect you to answer soon in a new chapter. I got very curious
You have good style, made me visualize the scene, the desperation of the parents. ..
I could point out more aspects i liked, but basically is like Mihai already said:
"I don't like to comment on grammar or structure or whatnot; the idea of a story is what grips me. And you did a more than fine job."
Good job and keep writing!
Before I give you my two cents, I want to briefly address the other reviews you got. Somebody was talking about lack of story and the fact that you called it prologue being pointless - I disagree. It does what a good prologue should do: it sets the atmosphere, it makes you ask questions and when you finish reading and you realize that few to none of those questions were answered, it makes you want to come back, to find out more!
Actually, this is my two cents. I don't like to comment on grammar or structure or whatnot; the idea of a story is what grips me. And you did a more than fine job. A dozen questions are left unanswered and if nobody sees that important enough to come back and read some more, that's their fault.
There was one, particular line of dialogue that I didn't like - "Listen babies, mommy loves you. I wouldn't do this if I didn't." - I thought it to be a tad too shallow, but I trust that this is one of the first drafts of the story (it's inevitable: all writers come back and cut, add and rewrite), so I'm not sweating much about it.
I'm going to wrap this up by giving you a small piece of advice: don't change your style. Don't.
Keep writing and message me when the next chapter is up!
Best of luck
It makes me so happy to know you like my style ^^. Often, with anything I write, I tend to leave a whole bunch unanswered and address them later in the story. Thank you.
Hey there,
I'm going to be doing a review for this piece.
There are couple things I want to mention about formatting that might help you and your readers just be able to read this easier. Try to an extra break between the paragraphs so it doesn’t look like we’re staring at large block of text.
Another thing I noticed was your dialogue format. We have some nice articles here on YWS that can help with correct punctuation for dialogue. You had certain lines like
“No crying!” Their mother shouted in fear.
–What’s wrong with this? It is the capitalization of ‘their’. I know, really? But little things like this can alternate the meaning of what the quote is doing. Capitalizing the ‘their’ means that the action is separate from what is being said. So she shouts the “no crying” but then she shouts again in fear. If you want to say she shouted ‘no crying’ in fear then you don’t capitalize it.
"No crying!" their mother shouted in fear. / "No crying," their mother shouted in fear.
-Tricky? Not so much but you get used to it. The exclamation mark has it's own set of rules for dialogue punctuation. You can consider it as the child of a comma and a period.
Your writing though is actually pretty good. I think you had some nice description and imagery going on in this little prologue. Though, you might want to watch out in some places there because you had some slips like ‘irls’ instead of ‘girl’s’. Try to run a spell check before you post to catch the little things. It’ll make it easier to read for your viewers and then their reviews can concentrate on the story instead of the punctuation.
As for your prologue, I don’t really see much of the point of it. Prologues are usually used to set up a story and help clarify something that might come later in the story but this prologue doesn’t really seem to accomplish anything in particular that I see might be very important later on. I can definitely see this as the beginning of a first chapter though.
I think you still built a pretty good atmosphere as you wrote this and I think you could still go further. If you need help navigating to the right forums for any writing tips or such, just shoot me a PM and I’ll help you out.
Keep writing,
-S
That's actually very helpful, thank you.
This is very interesting. As the start of a novel, it definitely grips me. I think you've got a good style and what seems like a good plot going here, and I just have a few little nitpicks.
"the two twins picked up on their mothers panic"
Firstly, just as a side, the two is not really necessary- the twins sort of says that already. But that's not a big issue. The big issue is 'mothers panic', which should be mother's panic as the panic belongs to the mother and so you need a possessive apostrophe. I noticed another apostrophe mistake somewhere, so I've linked you a thingy with the rules. It really is worth reading through and learning them- http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
"sitting on the floor alertly, but it was mildly displeasing."
Again, two little things. 'floor alertly' just reads a little awkwardly, I think. There's just nothing very alert about sitting on the floor. Just adding something simple like: ears pricked, alert.
or whatever would make that much better. Mildly displeasing caught my attention as well. This sentence is sort of through the young girl's eyes, and mildly displeasing just sounds out of place in her vocabulary, and it just sounds weird anyway really. I'd use something like unnerving, maybe...
""Daddy!" The little girl squealed loudly, reaching out with her one free hand. He had a dreadful look in his eye."
Reading this, I thought the Dad was about to kill them or attack them or something. Maybe use a more precise word to conjure up a slightly different emotion.
"a funner place" I don't think funner is a word. A less scary place, perhaps?
"Tears hadn't even sprung in the irls eyes" Is irls meant to be girl's? Again, see the apostrophe link.
Other than those little bits, there wasn't anything, apart from that I had to read through it a second time before I realised where the dead animal came from, so you could make that a little more clear. Also, I'd like to know where they are, what time period they're in, whether they're in a fantastical world. Just a few sentences, a description of their home, their dress, something in the way they speak, could make this clearer.
Ummm... That's it!
This is a nice little prologue, very gripping. Do check out that website with the rules of apostrophe use!