Beauty Queen

I really like the concept behind this poem. My favorite lines are the last two lines "She's singing a happy song, But she has the lyrics wrong." I feel like this poem could be longer considering there is so much material to work with covering this topic. For something written at three in the morning this is pretty impressive!

Hey there, Seastormy!

Well I really like the concept and some of the images you've constructed in this poem, but...something...something is lacking. It may be that the rhyme scheme is just a little too maudlin, or perhaps it's the inconsistent rhythm, or the words that don't rhyme all that well - perhaps it's all these things. But something's just not working.

Now there are some things I really like. Certain lines, like

"Wants a deity to watch her soul,
But she's stuck praying to a porcelain bowl.
She walks the streets all night long,
The stars are diamonds and she's in a Beetle's song."

are really great. That being said, even these lines that I kind of adore for their concept and theme fall flat due to the rhythm and rhyme. I would've loved to see you find a little more freedom in your choices, and I think that such a strict rhyme scheme is really hindering you more than it helps.

Certain lines also lack a very strong impact, and would do better if they were expressed in a more creative way. "She's got brains in her head, she could go far" is a good example of a cliche line that could be transformed into something with the same message and a little more finesse.

In any case, this really was a good poem, but it also has miles of potential when it comes to improvement. The concept and imagery are great! Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

I like the message of this poem. I know it's sad watching somebody with a head on their shoulders waste their talents because they know they're pretty. Your vocabulary is excellent, as is your choice in rhyming. And for something written at three in the morning, the rhythm was pretty impressive too.

The only real thing I thought would improve it was maybe to split it into separate stanzas. Maybe after "And drugs to thank", as it would go well with how the piece flows. Basically just where you use a full stop. But in fairness that's more of a presentational point than anything strictly literary.

All in all, very good work. Keep it up

hey...wow,this some great piece of writing.
i like the way you work with you rhymes and your choice of words is just perfect.
keep up the great work,you are a very good writer.

"Buying bottles to stay alive.
She's singing a happy song,"

i love that part the most..

I love this part of the poem
"Bulimic, big-titted beauty queen,
Smarter than she seems"
I feel as though this whole poem is something every teen girl can relate to. Its also pretty deep for some thoughts at 3 am! aha! I also love the last stanza about the lyrics! it has so many different meanings to it! please do not stop writing!