PAVEMENT!
Chaos – yellow lines running together madly blending creating an unending line of yellow
running on and on and on until the black meets the canary and vision touches the horizon
and we realize I am driving look up look up LOOK UP!
CHAOS
car crashes into ditch road slips from under tires gravel flying dirt
exploding in air and air bags inflate seatbelts catch hold no blood no
broken bones tires fighting for traction and
PAVEMENT!
Breathe.
Drive slowly.
Breathe.
Don’t watch pavement.
Breathe.
Drive.
Stay
On
The
Road.
Breathe.
Pavement.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
That gave me chills...
You're using a common topic to most people, and I think that really helped get a visual across. It's pretty good. You lost me a little bit in this line:
"running on and on and on until the black meets the canary and vision touches the horizon"
I don't know why, but it just didn't go for me very well. Try re-arranging?
I really liked the road slipping from under the tires though
Not too much to say. You're being unique and I really like it. Good job!
I don't normally like poetry. But I found this rather... interesting. It was different. I never imagined a car crash like that. And it was short so my really REALLY short attention spam could actually stay through the whole thing. I actually had to read it twice before I could fully understand it. Overall I really like this, and I think you should write more like this. You are really talented.
An interesting take on a car crash
Nice repitition, I like the theme, the feeling when you're suddenly thrown into a situation so fast and terrifying that you lose feeling, like in a falling or apocalyptic dream, or when you're on a rollercoaster.
However, I know that there is a theme of fast paced chaos, that you don't have time to pause for breath, but that's still no excuse to ignore punctuation. I'd give suggestions, but it won't take long to correct so I won't bother.
One last thing:
First of all, who's we? Secondly, it kills the flow (another thing overall to work on), and it also sounds wrong. If this is supposed to be chaos, and a car crash, you wouldn't have time to notice this, and there is no reason given for why he would be driving and staring at the pavement. LSD or something? Please specify
Anyway, a bit of work and you could mould this into a really good poem, good luck