Hello there fellow writer
I'm Buranko, member of this gorgeous society ever since yesterday, and I am here to give my honest opinion on ur wonderful piece.
First of all WOW! This is the third time I am reading this and I am still as impressed as I was when i first read it. The amount of ideas this poem conveys is just stunning.
When reviewing a work of someone else, almost all the time I try to stick not to the technical part, punctuation, rhyme, rythm etc. but the part that deals with ideas and feelings that certain piece contained. However, it's a little bothering not seeing any punctuation whatsoever, and if we take into account the effect on the reader you can say it has a rushed feel to it, like some poem you made really quickly on the way to work. There is also that part where it says "these origamis grows".
Perfect introduction. It lays off really well the theme and purpose that needs to be achieved in your work. The problem comes when switching from the introduction to the main point: "With ideas conceived in his head/Struggling to be born and take shape". So far so good. But when trying to ignite that flame of the poem it feels a little off. Again that rushed feeling "Somehow they escape through his pen". In the introduction you said that the ideas are struggling, there is a hard attempt they make to take shape. So the word "somehow" breaks all the effort by making everything seem random and not a big thing.
Other than that there is nothing more that bothers the natural flow of the poem. The philosophy is nice and I was surprised you tagged this profound poem as a fantastic piece. Great work and hope to read something else by you soon!
Points: 18
Reviews: 78
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