Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Just fuck off;
go away,
because your words,
are just too cliché.
You don't know how it feels,
to lose a friend;
You don't know how it feels,
to have a heart that won't mend.
Sorry won't cut it;
condolences won't make it better,
they won't bring her back,
she's gone forever.
Staring at her grave,
in utter despair,
I wonder if,
It's a grave we can share.
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139,691 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
Hello! CaptainSalty here with a review.
Okay, not bad at all. It was a bit choppy in some lines, it was short, I will say that. I do wish it would go on. I honestly don't like the simplicity of it. In my eyes, it needs to be elaborated.
The rhyming I don't like the best. It's just forced. Especially in the first stanza.
How are the words 'too cliche?' To me, this part doesn't make sense. It would b' t me, but saying 'harsh' instead would make more sense.
Here, I didn't see any mistakes. Yet, instead of comparing with 'you don't, you don't,' I would contrast instead.
Here is where it seems very choppy. The last line is very short compared to the first three lines. Adding the word 'condolences' made it seem longer. Either you want to shorten the first three lines, or elaborate the last line.
Same as the third stanza. Elaborate on the third line, or shorten the other three lines.
Also, with the first three stanzas give the 'friends for life' feel, when the last line gives the 'lovers for life' feel. Is the poem romantic or about friendship?
Overall, not a bad job. It isn't the best, but never the worst. I do like the concept of it. It just needs elaboration. I do want to see more poems from you. O
Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSalty
Hello!
I really did like this poem. I liked how the end came as a bit of a shock, I didn't realize the friend had died, at the beginning I thought maybe the two friends had just grown apart, or that this was going to be a sad breakup heart break poem. (Which I always enjoy to read) The ending was very powerful.
The only thing that was a little off to me was "condolences won't make it better." I feel like that line doesn't quit flow with the rest of the poem.
Otherwise and overall you did an excellent job, please write more!!
Thank you
-Scribble
Greetings! I'll try not to harp on the content of your poem, as you are already aware of its implications from previous reviewers; "cliche'," emotionally tempestuous and perhaps a little juvenile. However, it is understandable, as these emotions and themes are challenging to use as a starting point. They deserve further development, and with the proper practice and knowledge, you may very well find your voice.
First, I usually don't critique the literal writing of others. However, you may find it useful to try to match syllables in lines and rhymes. Let's look at your first stanza.
"Just fuck off; (3) "Just fuck off,(3)
go away,(3) Go away; (3)
because your words, (4) because your words (4)
are just too cliché" (5) are too cliche';" (4)
That omission is just one syllable, but see how not using the word "just" twice kinda makes it roll off the tongue more easily? Sometimes it's the little things. I hope I was able to be of some assistance, if you'd like any more tips just contact me.
Cheers, and remember to keep writing and find your voice!
Thank you, this review was very helpful!
- Scribble
Hello Scribble!
"Just fuck off;
go away,
because your words,
are just too cliché."
These lines startled me and intrigued me simultaneously... Just saying.
The poem has two main emotions (in my opinion):
1. Irritation towards a person either mocking your sorrow or trying to console you (to no avail).
2. Sorrow over death.
The poem is haunting and personally I feel taunted by it, as I have felt the same way and I don't really feel good about it.
The last stanza is very macabre and is queerly soothing to me (I'm not encouraging suicide). I mean, it gives a good ending to this narrative and maybe... just maybe, it meant a grave for the sorrows and fury (from my perspective).
It gives a good insight about the character's emotions in this poem so... I enjoyed reading it and trying to figure it out.
Thanks, good review. I like your interpretation of the grave, really like it.
-Scribble
Hello there Scribble! I like the pen-name. To start with, I'm going to just copy and give my thought process, and then give my review at the end of that.
Sorry, it's how I work through poetry, and I think it's good to know how poetry affects people each step of the way.
Just fuck off;
go away,
because your words,
are just too cliché.
(After this, I was fairly certain it was going to be stereotypical angsty girl/heart broken teenager poetry. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just- as you say- cliche.)
You don't know how it feels,
to lose a friend;
You don't know how it feels,
to have a heart that won't mend.
(Was still pretty sure it was going to be a break-up poem.)
Sorry won't cut it;
condolences won't make it better,
they won't bring her back,
she's gone forever.
(Uh oh... Not a breakup poem. Murder poem? Suicide?)
Staring at her grave,
in utter despair,
I wonder if,
It's a grave we can share.
(Oh boy... Oh dear...)
Okay reviewing time! I like the feel of the poem, and that you weren't afraid to make it more 'vulgar' than what poetry tends to be. I feel like too many people force poetry to be pretty and delicate, when some of the best poetry derives from pain or loss- which is NOT pretty. Good job for that. As far as grabbing, it does keep you interested, but seeing as the poem is so short, half of it is spent (in my mind, feel free to disregard it) without a clear message/reason. The loss is clear, but it isn't directed or hinted at the darker tone. But poetry has no rules, so that's a personal choice!
To me, there was one hiccup in the rhythm, and that was the 'condolences won't make it better' line. While I love the word choice, the line seems inordinately long in comparison to the others, which causes a hitch in the natural rhythm of the reader. I'm not sure how you would change it, if you wanted to, but I do like the idea of keeping the word 'condolences' because it starts to give the reader a more concrete image of what's happening.
All in all! Good job, and you're more courageous than many people by posting poetry when you're new to the form.
- Renn
wow, thanks. This is a great review. I feel much better about the poem now, ad I'm glad you liked it!
- Scribble
Hey,
Firstly I want to say that, especially as you're new to poetry, I think this poem is brilliant!
I really felt so many emotions when reading these few words, which is hard to do in a short poem. It's sort of harsh in a way but that's something I really like about it because it gets the true pain across. And can I just say: the rhyming was done very well; I usually hate rhyming poems but this one flowed nicely and the rhyming didn't seem forced.
I'm really sorry that you lost your friend, I know exactly the pain you are experiencing right now. I'm not going to try and offer you some cliche sh*t like 'it will be okay' because honestly it is going to hurt really bad for a long time, however, channeling your hurt and emotions through writing is a useful and beautiful tool for getting them out and making you feel less alone.
All I can say now is keep writing, my friend.
-plathonstone
Thank you, i'm glad you liked it.
I didn't actually lose a friend, i had a horrible dream about losing my sister, who is also a good friend of mine. I woke up actually thinking she was gone and felt really horrible for those few seconds i believed it.
But i decided to write a poem about losing somebody, as i have lost relative. Though it didn't really bother me (as much as that sounds horrible) my dads reaction when his dad died was horrible. Never saws him cry till that day, and it was like i could feel his pain.
Your concern is well appreciated though, and thanks a lot for the kind review. And you're right, writing is a good tool to get your feelings out.
Thanks again, friend.
- Scribble
Hey Scribble,
Myjaspercat here for a review...
Well first thing first, welcome to the world of poetry. That being said, your poem here seems very structurally sound there wasn't much that I thought you could work on. If I have to say anything, it would be that I feel like this would be better without a rhyme scheme. The way you have it now isn't bad but it could do with out rhyming. Anyways, I love the feel of it and I like the concept behind it. Good job, have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing. ---Myjaspercat
Good advice, i shall take that on board. I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks for the review
- Scribble
Your welcome.