It begins at the start, a blank page of white.
A thing that’s simple, square, and oh so bright.
Then at the beginning and the start of creation,
There’s a black blight upon a once white nation.
And so it begins and flows, but soon it will end;
Nothing good lasts forever, no matter the trend.
A moment of still, and then snow turns to black.
It seems incomplete, but he’s sure to be back.
The sun rises beyond, concealed to his world,
With white he starts again, black is then twirled.
It’s not long till the lines begin to take form.
Up from the aught he bids his creation to worm.
And then it is willed into an inanimate life;
Odd cryptic stripes storied with glory and strife.
He raises stoic castles and grand armies clash.
But it’s wrong, then righted with a paltry blank slash.
The days go past and the creature starts to grow,
fed with a smatter of voice, words, vice, and woe.
And after long lettered days he lays down to bed,
that’s when the beast really rears it’s beautiful head.
Finally. It is finally finished. But in truth it’s not.
Looking back, he’s dissatisfied with a certain spot.
But it’s alright; and so he starts again on the light.
The next story will be better upon the page so bright
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
This is very good, and a remarkable first poem!
Me being nitpicky:
Paper isn't square! Well, yes some is, but generally square jars with my inner paper monster.
A couple of points on the last line:
Change bright to white. I like white, that should be reason enough.
Stick a full stop at the end. Now that's what I call fussy.
Advice:
Get separate folders for poems and short stories. Or it gets really confusing.
Very well done, I can see I haven't been very encouraging, but I hope I help,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey there! This is AWESOME first poetry. I love the personification and the imagery and everything about it. It's the stuff I live for. Some pointers:
"that's when the beast really rears it's beautiful head"
it's should be its. The beast doesn't rear it is beautiful head, it rears its beautiful head!
The flow of this poem feels forced, and a bit choppy. I feel like you're trying to fill syllables in some spots, and though they are beautiful words, they don't necessarily fit together the way that you are attempting to make them. Does that make sense?
Your last stanza felt very stop-and-go. I think that, in the future, you should pay more attention to your punctuation in your poetry. Punctuation is ALWAYS important (I'm probably the president of the punctuation fan club), but it is especially important in poetry, as it is all about the rhythm of the words on your page.
All in all, I think this is very good work! You should definitely write more poetry in the future. This concept was absolutely amazing and intriguing to read.
Keep writing!
Emily
Wooh! Great job on your first poem! Glad to give you your first poetry review!
The way you described it was also very captivating. The metaphors you brought in were nice too, especially the running metaphor about the sun. Your diction was also very consistent and well thought out.
First off, I really liked the idea of this poem here. Writing about a page's experience as it becomes a work of literature was an awesome-sauce idea. Nice going there.
Now, just cause this is a review, I do have to point out that this is, in fact, a poem in which the rhythm could be a little bit smoother. While you did a great job conveying your ideas and expanding them with metaphorical examples and effective diction, it seemed that the rhythm of the poem didn't really match up with the nice-and-even syntax. Whenever I read a poem, I read it sort of like a song. If each line flows together nicely, and the initial rhythm isn't interrupted (unless of course it's intended to be interrupted), it makes the poem that much nicer to read. Here, I'm not sure whether or not you intended for almost-perfect rhythm, but if you did, it didn't add much to the thematic awesomeness of the poem. Other than that, everything else here did!
Hope this helped ya!
Thank you for the review. I wasn't really thinking about it in that way, so i guess I have a little work to do.
No prob. Any time. Also, don't stress. It wasn't that bad haha. I still like it as it is, I just think that'd make it better.