They came like a string of fireflies at dusk. Up over the mountains, one by one, invisible in the dark if not for the lit cabins of the zeppelins that carried them. Up across the darkening blue abyss they came, heading set towards the sizeable yard that stood in front of the palace where rows of soldiers stood adorned in sharp white uniforms, alongside a throng of servants, butlers and greeters ready to attend my coming guests.
They came as I watched from atop the vaulted balcony that stood above the great and intricately decorated bronze doors that served as the gate to my domain. They were slightly cracked, which was more than enough to grant entrance to four men abreast into my less than humble abode. The first zeppelin made landfall as it navigated into the light that shone from the door, a bright shadow stretching into the dark alongside the red etchings of a fading sun peering up from the peaks and through crags that characterized these mountains. Out stepped the first few recipients, men and women of a high stature that they had made for themselves. It didn’t take long for them to hurry the servants that began to attend them to grant them entrance to my castle.
No surprise there. I had a reputation for a strange sort of decadence, even in contrast with an uncharacteristically wealthy world. And I rarely entertained guests. Such a thing is only right, being the greatest being to have ever existed in mortality. But even with such a despicable standard upheld, I wasn’t that depraved. Besides, old habits die hard. Long nights of tireless strategizing and an uneasy persona had lent me an affinity for comfort, and more specifically comfortable clothes. My simple white silk garments would hardly hold up to the elaborate tuxedos and gowns my tenants sported, and I would have to force the sensation of under adornment to the side tonight in order to retain such amenity. A ridiculous notion when put under scrutiny, I mused to myself. As the King of Kings I could go naked and no one would raise a voice in complaint.
I waited on the balcony until the cold bit, and there were only one or two zeppelins that had yet to arrive. A complacent smile had found it’s way onto my face. Even after ten years, the novelty of calling upon whoever I wanted, and them arriving never wore off. I was honored to host such an association, and a child like glee had welled up within my gut. Before long my satisfied smirk transitioned to glee. It was about time to announce my presence.
One deep breath of crisp air later, I retired to my chambers for a time. I intended to make this perfect. After two months of preparation, it had to be. Crossing the baroque tile floors of black and white marble inset with a brass lining that laid beneath decorative oriental rugs of red and gold I made my way to the mahogany coffee table where I had left the notes that pertained to the opening speech. I went over it one final time, listening to my voice reverberate off of the classically decorated walls I had always been fond of. I was ready. It was ready. Simple. Elegant. A little bit of humor and cold clout to easen and sharpen the mood, and most of all, true to myself. I never let anyone write my speeches for me. Politicians and bureaucrats should be the last people in the world to utter a lie.
I was ready. I was sure of that, but still the cold claw of fear had begun to grip my body. I could feel my heartbeat. My arms felt weak. I began to sweat. It was simple as speeches go, but I was admittedly nervous. It had been years since I gave my last.
“Time to go.” I muttered to myself reassuredly. “Time to go.” Deep breaths. I stepped out into the hallway that lead from my chambers to the grand spiraling stairway that stood to the right of the grand hallway where my guests resided.
“Here we go.” I forced myself to march down the hall, footsteps echoing sharply off of the soft white stone all the way. At the end I met Gerard flanked by two halberd wielding guards, stiff as the stone that their white uniformed robes seemed to sprout from.
“Ready, Sir?” He inquired. With that the claw in which I was held shattered. My shoulders relaxed, my heart rate slowed, and my characteristically wicked grin sprouted up from aught once more. Damn, I loved that accent.
“Yes. I believe that I am.” I replied in dignified exhilaration. With another deep breath, I glided onto the balcony in which the staircase rose up to meet, and gazed upon my tenants as they swirled around in colorful, quilted attire. Slowly, one by one they took notice of me and the slow din of conversation faded into a heavy silence. Quickly glancing out the titanic bronze gates, I assured myself that this was everyone. They waited.
“Ladies and Gentlemen.” I began as I cleared my throat. “I would like to thank you for taking part in the first ever annual inaugural anniversary celebration.”
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Hello! I really like the character and his voice. The descriptions are great, but some of them are slightly unclear. For example, the wording of these lines makes them difficult to understand:
In some places, the descriptions feel repetitive. Also, there are many details given, and some of the details feel unnecessary. This gets in the way of the story's flow.
I think some of the descriptions should be changed. Perhaps they could be clarified or made briefer. Aside from that, I enjoyed the story. The events and descriptions are intriguing, and I look forward to the next part. Keep writing!
Heya! I'm back!
So... I like the era you picked. And the zeppelins! I love zeppelins.
Anyways, onto the nitpicking:
As for grammar, I noticed a few run-ons and missing commas. Some of your sentences are really long, and kind of easy to get lost in. I think that's it though. Nothing of great importance.
Technique... I do like that you incorporated the scenic detail into the action, but remember! It's not just about what everything looks like. And I think you've lost yourself to all the great big words in your vocabulary. (It's not a bad thing, just my personal opinion.) Honestly, some of it sounds unnatural. Please go back to using your similes and metaphors! I love seeing techniques like that! Also, I like the way you compare sizes to emphasize the palace's enormity. Very nice.
And dialogue... You don't always have to start with what they say. And since only two people are talking, you don't even have to tell us who the dialogue belongs to, because we can probably guess. (also, you're still punctuating your dialogue incorrectly. It's done like so: "Time to go," I muttered to myself."
As for plot. It's still going slow. I think you could have included more action in this chapter, and introduced a few girls who will not work, as well as enemies(?). Other than that, awesome! I'm still very curious about where you will take this one. Your vocab is AMAZING, just be sure to mix it in with literary elements. That will take you to the next level.
Ciao!